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PLEASURING A WOMAN 101 


INSTRUCTOR: IAN KERNER, PH. D. 


SHE COMES FIRST POP QUIZ 

Are you Sexually Cliterate? 


SHORT ANSWER - 40 POINTS (please provide answer in essay form) 

1. Why is the tongue mightier then the sword? 


2. Explain the "Jackson Pollock" lick. 
Compare and contrast with the "Elvis 
Presley" snarl. 


TRUE OR FALSE - 20 POINTS 

The clitoris has eighteen parts, all of which 
play a role in the production of pleasure. 

BONUS QUESTION - 50 POINTS 

Are you ready to get down to business and 
"think outside her box"? 


SHE COMES FIRST 


the thinking man's guide 
to pleasuring a woman 



IAN KERNER, Ph. D. 




Introduction: Confessions of a 
Premature Ejaculator 


T HE PREMISE of this book is simple: when it comes to 
pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, 
cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue. As bestselling 
sex author Lou Paget has written, “Ask most women, and if they're 
being honest, they will admit that what makes them hottest and come 
hardest is when a man can use his tongue well.” 

But as with any language, in order to express yourself fluently, in 
order to make your subject sing and soar, you must be thoroughly 
acquainted with the rules of grammar and style. One of my favorite 
books on the subject is the indispensable classic Elements of Style. I 
don't think I would have made it through freshman comp, or survived 
college as an English major, without that slim, dog-eared paperback 
tucked away in my back pocket. In the able hands of authors Strunk 
and White, grammar was not simply made understandable and 
meaningful — it was made beautiful. 


Elements of Style exhorted readers to “write boldly and make 
definite assertions.” And in the spirit of that timeless classic, She 
Comes First will condense a wealth of experience and expertise into 
a simple, essential rule book; it will elaborate on the principles and 
philosophy that underlie those rules and, in doing so, offer nothing 
less than the definitive guide to the grammar of oral sex. If you want 
to learn how to give a woman mind-blowing, body-rippling orgasms 
with your tongue every time, this is the book for you. 

Although I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, this book is 
principally written from a practitioner's perspective; by someone 
who knows and loves cunnilingus, appreciates its role in stimulating 
female sexual response, and has developed a methodology for 
consistently leading women to orgasm: one that stems from the 
conviction that cunnilingus is much more than just a sexual activity, 
but rather the centerpiece of a philosophy of sexual contentment. 
Call it the “way of the tongue. 

But don't get me wrong: I'm not some Casanova or Don Juan, 
vainly putting words down on paper in order to boast and strut — far 
from it. Through much of my life I've suffered terribly from sexual 
dysfunction, and I know all too well the humiliation, anxiety, and 
despair of not being able to satisfy a woman. If anything, this book 
was written in the sincere hope that other men might develop 
effective “sexual habits” — ones that will enable them, along with 
their partners, to suffer less than I have, or perhaps not at all. As 
Tennessee William s wrote of the marriage bed in his play Cat on a 
Hot Tin Roof, “When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are 
there, right there!” Well, here's to getting rid of the rocks and 
smoothing out the sheets. 

My initial forays into oral sex were a crutch, a way of 
compensating for my sexual inadequacies, and they were approached 
with the assumption that cunnilingus was a poor man's second to the 
joys and splendors of “real sex” — like many, I took it for granted that 
intercourse was the “right way” for couples to experience orgasms. 
But, to my surprise, I discovered that the “way of the tongue” was by 



no means inferior to intercourse; if anything, it was superior, in many 
cases the only way in which women were able to receive the 
persistent, rhythmic stimulation, outside of masturbation, necessary 
to achieve an orgasm. I quickly learned that oral sex is real sex, and 
later in life, when I happened to come across a copy of the seminal 
Hite Report on Female Sexuality, I was reassured to find that women 
consider oral sex to be “one of their most favorite and exciting 
activities; women mentioned over and over how much they loved it.” 
When it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an 
orgasm — the only thing that's wrong is to assume that women need 
or value them any less than men do. 

In her article “Just Be a Man: Six Simple Suggestions,” sex 
columnist Amy Sohn's very first piece of advice is, “A man goes 
down. No excuses. No hesitation.” 

But once down there, what's a man to do? The vast majority of 
women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how 
to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough. Flannery O'Connor was 
right: a good man is hard to find, especially one who's good at taking 
a leisurely stroll downtown. But once found, a skilled cunnilinguist 
rarely goes unappreciated. In her essay “Lip Service: On Being a 
Cunning Linguist,” author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich sings 
the praises of a boyfriend who specialized in oral sex: “I became 
tongue-whipped (the female equivalent of pussy-whipped) and even 
offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After 
two months, I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.” 

It's time to “think outside her box.” When it comes to the oral 
caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butler's infamous 
line to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind: “You should be 
kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.” 

Those who know me know I'm a private person. I wouldn't dream 
of confiding my battles with sexual dysfunction to the world if I 
didn't wholeheartedly believe that there was a compelling need for 
this book. I know this based on what I've read, what I've been told, 
and, most important, what I've experienced firsthand as a clinical 


sexologist: not only do women crave and enjoy cunnilingus; they 
require it. Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one 
complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to 
experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is 
not simply “more foreplay,” as magazines often chide us, but rather 
the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay, 
namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of 
lovemaking — the transformation of foreplay into nothing less than 
core-play. 

This book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-”outercourse” — 
a conception of sex that goes beyond penetration, embraces mutual 
pleasure, and is better suited to stimulating the female sexual 
anatomy to orgasm. This model doesn't exclude intercourse, but 
instead promotes the postponement of male gratification until after a 
woman has achieved her first (but hopefully not last) orgasm during 
a session of sexual activity — a deferment that has the double benefit 
of vouchsafing female satisfaction while also significantly enhancing 
the quality of the male climax. This book espouses the postponement 
of gratification, not the postponement of enjoyment. 

She Comes First offers men and women a surefire “bird in the 
hand” approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes “all or 
nothing” proposition of intercourse. It's time to close the sex gap and 
create a level playing field in the exchange of pleasure, and 
cunnilingus is far more than just a means for achieving this noble 
end; it's the cornerstone of a new sexual paradigm, one that 
exuberantly extols a shared experience of pleasure, intimacy, respect 
and contentment. It's also one of the greatest gifts of love a man can 
bestow upon a woman. 



How to Read this Book 

In Part I, The Elements of Sexual Style, you will be introduced to a 
powerful philosophy that will inform, if not dramatically alter, the 
way you approach sex and relationships. You will learn to: 

• Dispense with “disinformation” and cultivate a true 
understanding of female sexuality 

• Think clitorally, rather than vaginally; to focus on stimulation as 
opposed to penetration 

• Postpone gratification without sacrificing pleasure 

• Turn foreplay into coreplay 

• Skillfully navigate the process of female sexual response and 
appreciate the role of the clitoris as the powerhouse of pleasure 

• Develop a sense of awareness that will render the often elusive 
female orgasm knowable and tangible beyond the shadow of a 
doubt 

We will also discuss important, often misunderstood, topics such 
as the “real” anatomy of the female genitalia, hygiene, safe sex, as 
well as the social and cultural context that informs the way we thi nk 
and act regarding cunnilingus. 

If Part I is the “why” of cunnilingus, then Part II, Rules of Usage, 
is the “how.” Here you will be introduced to proven oral techniques 
that will enable you to successfully take a woman through the entire 
process of sexual response, or what I've dubbed the “play process” — 
foreplay, coreplay, and moreplay. 

Whereas many sex books are content to merely tell the reader 
“what” to do, it's this author's conviction that the “when” is just as 
important. It's all in the timing, and to that end. Part III, Putting it 
Together, delineates clear routines for seamlessly integrating the 
techniques into a unified experience that will enable you and your 
partner to reach new erotic heights. 


Peppered throughout the book you will also find illustrations, 
tips, exercises, interesting facts, frequently asked questions, as well 
as candid responses from some of the many men and women I 
interviewed regarding sex, relationships, cunnilingus, as well as their 
own personal do's and don'ts. 

Finally, at the end of the book you will find a series of appendices 
that address many relevant topics and specific situations. 

Taken as a whole, She Comes First represents the most thorough 
treatment of the art of cunnilingus currently available, and will not 
only teach you everything you need to know in order to master the 
grammar of oral sex, but will also answer any questions you might 
have along the way. 

By the time you finish this book, you'll not only be thinking about 
sex from a new perspective, but there will also be nothing you won't 
know about how to lead a woman to orgasm with your tongue time 
and time again. 

Pop Quiz 

Feel free to read She Comes First in whatever manner you find 
comfortable, but if you're inclined to skip Part I and go straight to the 
techniques in Part II, then I would ask you first to consider a few 
simple questions: 

• Did you know that the clitoris has eighteen parts, all of which 
play a role in the production of pleasure? Can you identify them? 

• Did you know that the vast majority of nerve endings that 
contribute to the female orgasm are concentrated on the surface 
of the vulva and do not require any penetration whatsoever in 
order to be stimulated to orgasm? 

• How many different types of orgasms is a woman capable of 
experiencing? 



• Can you say with complete confidence that you know how to 
locate the G-spot? Can you name any other hidden zones of 
pleasure? 

• Do you know why cunnilingus is the best means of stimulating a 
woman to multiple orgasms? 

• Do you know why a man is partially responsible for his partner's 
genital scent? 

• Are you entirely sure that your partner has never faked an 
orgasm, and can you unequivocally recognize the difference 
between the real thing and a screaming phony? 

If you answered no to any of these important questions, then I 
would encourage you to read the book from start to finish. But no 
matter how you choose to peruse She Comes First; I hope that, like 
Elements of Style, it proves to be a book you can come back to time 
and time again, regardless of your level of expertise. 

A Taste of What's to Come 

In the spirit of Elements of Style, here are a few basic rules to get 
you started: 

1. Learn to Appreciate Irony: because when it comes to human 
sexuality, life abounds with it. Just for starters, take the fact that men 
and women's genitals are formed from the same embryonic tissue, 
yet our respective processes of arousal couldn't be more different. As 
the founding editors of Men's Health magazine, Stefan Bechtel and 
Laurence Roy Stains, so succinctly put it in their book Sex: A Man's 
Guide, “Studies show that three fourths of men are finished with sex 
within a few minutes of starting. But women often need 1 5 minutes 
or more to become sufficiently aroused for orgasm. And therein lies 
a world of rage, grief, and airborne pots and pans.” 


To put it in grammatical terms, most women are left frustrated 
with “incomplete sentences” in the face of their partners' prematurely 
“dangling participles.” Hence this book's emphasis on the 
postponement of male gratification and the first part of its title: She 
Comes First. As journalist Paula Kamen documents in Her Way, a 
Survey of Contemporary Young Women, “Women's orgasms are no 
longer considered a lucky bonus or an afterthought, which marks a 
shift away from sexual guilt and toward women's pursuing their own 
desires, as men always have.” 

When it comes to pleasuring women, keep in mind the ancient 
words of Taoist master Wu Hsien, “The man must keep the situation 
in control and benefit from the communion without undue haste.” 

2. Don't Mistake Her Subject for an Object: namely, the clitoris. 
With its eight thousand nerve endings (twice as many as the penis), 
enviable ability to produce multiple orgasms during a single session 
of sex, and no known purpose other than pleasure, is it any wonder 
that Masters and Johnson proclaimed the clitoris “a unique organ in 
the total of humanity”? The clitoris has over eighteen parts, both 
visible and hidden, that participate in the production of pleasure. 
(Keep reading, and you'll learn how to master each and every one of 
them.) Contrary to conventional wisdom — at least the kind that's as 
common as Ben-Gay and mildew in the men's locker room — the 
clitoris is much more than just a “love button,” it's a sophisticated 
network of arousal that has more hot spots than a latent volcano. 

3. The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword: especially when it 
comes to clitoral stimulation. Even pom star Ron Jeremy, in 
possession of the famous ten-inch member, observed, “More women 
have gotten off with my tongue than with my penis.” Shere Hite, 
author of the Hite Report on Sexuality, went so far as to suggest, 
“Intercourse was never meant to stimulate women to orgasm.” One 
of the reasons for this is that the clitoris is about 2 to 3 cm closer to 



the front of the woman's body than the vaginal opening. During 
intercourse, the penis often misses the clitoris altogether. 

In Sex: A Man's Guide, the authors cite a study in which ninety- 
eight wives in happy, stable marriages kept a sex diary that noted the 
frequency of sexual activity and the level of satisfaction. Of all the 
activities they mentioned, cunnilingus ranked as the most satisfying. 

Eighty-two percent said having their husbands pleasure them 
orally was very satisfying; the next highest activity, intercourse, was 
rated very satisfying by only 68 percent. The women reported that 
during intercourse they reached orgasm about 25 percent of the time. 
But they reached orgasm 81 percent of the time during oral sex. As 
Dr. Alex Comfort wrote of cunnilingus in The New Joy of Sex, “One 
can give the woman dozens of orgasms in this way and she may still 
want to go on from there.” 

4. Learn from Your Mistakes: Unlike the adolescent boys of the 
Cook Island of Mangaia, who, according to author Shane Mooney, 
arc trained in the finer points of breast stimulation, cunnilingus, and 
delayed ejaculation in order to guarantee the pleasure of their future 
partners, our Western education is, alas, an incomplete one. When 
surveyed by Shere Hite regarding their partners' oral techniques, the 
vast majority of women complained that guys were too rough, too 
impatient; too fast, too slow; off target, or they changed rhythm at 
the wrong time. One woman even exclaimed, “It seems like he is 
trying to erase my clitoris.” 

Yikes! 

But what many women don't know is that men yearn for feed- 
hack and guidance. They crave instruction, but communicating about 
sex is far from easy, and words often fail us in the heat of the 
moment. As author Sally Tisdale put it in her book Talk Dirty to Me: 
An Intimate Philosophy of Sex, “We can't really explain how arousal 
feels, what an orgasm is, and the closer we get to one, the less value 
words have, the less we can use language at all.” 


So we turn to sex books and magazines or, worse, cheesy porno 
flicks, and locker-room banter. Most books take an encyclopedic 
approach to sexuality — a little of everything, not a whole lot of 
anything. They emphasize breadth rather than depth and, at best, 
cunnilingus is given equal attention with other subjects. When it 
comes to detailing technique, most offer a few scanty pages at most, 
and almost all write about cunnilingus as an aspect of foreplay rather 
than as a complete process in its own right. They're like big fat 
cookbooks that are limited to a few recipes in each category. But 
cunnilingus is a repast in and of itself, and there are hundreds, if not 
thousands, of unique ways to partake. 

Attention Men 

While She Comes First will benefit anyone — straight or gay, male or 
female — who has an interest in learning about female orgasms and 
producing them consistently through inspired oral techniques, the 
book was written primarily for those guys of the world who crave the 
knowledge to become better, more sensitive lovers, and for the 
women in their lives who are eager to benefit from their education. 

The truth is that men and women differ markedly in how they 
learn about sex. The Kinsey Report, a well-known survey of human 
sexuality, observed in 1953, “It is obvious that neither younger girls 
nor older women discuss their sexual experiences in the open in the 
ways that males do.” A lot has changed since then. In an updated 
1990 Kinsey Report on Sexual Literacy, the authors note that women 
aged eighteen to twenty-nine fared better than their male peers in 
terms of their knowledge of sexuality and attributed the differences 
to women's “growing belief that they have a right to sex information 
and accessible publications about women's health.” So it would 
appear that both the women's movement and the safe-sex movement, 
with their emphases on clarity and candor, have done much to 



educate women about their bodies and sexuality in the last half 
century. 

But what about guys? 

In both my research and interviews I observed that the women 
were, in general, more knowledgeable about sex and tended to be 
much more willing to discuss sexual issues freely and candidly. In 
describing sexual activities, principally cunnilingus, women were 
significantly more aware of the qualitative aspects, as well as the 
technical details, related to their sexual response. While emphasizing 
the importance of personal experience in acquiring knowledge, 
women also confirmed that much of their information on sexuality 
came from friends and parents, as well as books, magazines, and the 
Internet. 

Men, on the other hand, were not as knowledgeable about 
sexuality, and tended to describe activities such as cunnilingus in 
more graphic, objectifying detail. Men also acknowledged that they 
relied more heavily on pornography and firsthand experience when 
seeking information regarding female sexuality and felt substantially 
less comfortable seeking “touchy-feely” advice from parents and 
friends. 

So where is a guy to go when seeking specific, accurate 
information regarding how to stimulate the process of female sexual 
response? The media bombards us with sex, 24/7, but there is very 
little mainstream discussion about human sexuality, and even less 
that is targeted specifically at men. Ironically, some of the guys I 
spoke with said that the television show Sex and the City — with its 
candid discussions of oral sex, orgasms, and other issues — was a 
principal source of information about women's sexual attitudes and 
desires. Still others confided that reading magazines like Cosmo and 
Jane in private was illuminating, and that there was a quality of 
information that couldn't be found in men's magazines. 

One guy summed it up: “ Cosmo and Glamour are much more 
specific about sex and relationships than men's magazines like 
Playboy and Maxim , which constantly talk about sex, but not 


sexuality. They're more 'conquest-oriented' than advice-oriented, and 
they also focus a lot on gadgets, weight lifting, and getting ahead in 
your job. Men’s Health definitely raises the bar, but that's just one 
magazine, and even it tends to focus more on achieving perfect abs 
than on detailed sex advice.” 

Unfortunately, both men and women end up suffering from this 
dearth of accurate information — with men flicking their tongues like 
porno stars, employing sexual positions that have little to do with 
clitoral stimulation, and generally being clueless about the female 
anatomy and the process of sexual response. 

When it comes to mastering the grammar of oral sex, we need 
more than just a handful of random tips gleaned from the latest copy 
of Maxim or Cosmo. We need that veritable “little rule book,” as 
Elements of Style has been so fondly dubbed: focused, concise, with 
techniques that make sense, explanations that illuminate, and 
routines that really work — a book that inspires us to develop our own 
unique voice and sense of style. She Comes First is that book. 

So whether you're just starting down the path of a cliterary life, or 
are already a bona fide member of the cliterati, get ready to learn the 
rules of grammar and to deploy them with style. 

Why I Wrote this Book 

My own education as a “cunnilinguist” began with sexual 
dysfunction — a long-drawn-out battle with premature ejaculation 
(PE). I was hopeless, pathetic. Just the sight of a woman's naked 
body could make me lose control, and foreplay quickly led to end of 
play. In the language of love, I couldn't get past the first syllable. I 
was sure that on my gravestone, my epitaph would read, “He came. 
He saw. And then he came again.” 

Later in life, I learned from my study of the pioneering sex 
researcher Alfred Kinsey that the typical male sustains penetrative 



thrusting, on average, for about two and a half minutes. That 
provided some small comfort, but at the time I felt terribly alone. I 
often wondered why I was “biologically cursed” to reach orgasm so 
quickly. Was it a vestigial remnant of the evolutionary battles of 
natural selection, when a man had to spread his seed quickly in order 
to ensure the propagation of his genetic material? Would Charles 
Darwin have told me that what I considered a grievous weakness 
was, in fact, a competitive advantage in the struggle for the survival 
of the fittest? Perhaps, but to me it felt more like the “barely hanging 
on of the unluckiest.” 

Today, I am convinced that one of the main sources of PE is poor 
masturbation habits — how boys are taught, or rather not taught, to do 
it quickly, furtively, and shrouded in taboo and secrecy. It doesn't 
take long for a young man to program himself to seek his pleasure 
quickly, and as we all know, bad habits are difficult to break. 
Perhaps if someone had told me early on to masturbate with a 
woman's orgasm in mind, rather than my own, I would have been 
spared years of turmoil. 

1 was a sexual cripple, and oral sex became my crutch. If I 
couldn't satisfy a woman with my penis, then I'd sure as hell satisfy 
her with my mouth! I can still remember all the fears, 
preconceptions, and blunders of my early experiences in college. My 
first forays into cunnilingus were not unlike many men's — hesitant, 
tentative; going down here and there for a few licks. I learned 
through trial and error, but eventually came to realize that 
cunnilingus was much more than just an arbitrary, or optional, aspect 
of foreplay; it was coreplay. It was an essential process — with a 
beginning, middle, and end — for leading a woman through the many 
stages of arousal that eventually culminate in climax. Cunnilingus 
not only enabled me to pleasure a woman utterly and completely, it 
allowed me to stop worrying about sex and start enjoying it. In doing 
so, I was able to drop the anxiety, develop greater self-control, and 
become a better lover overall. Cunnilingus certainly saved my sex 
life, and when I think about all the depression and heartache I 


suffered as a result of my battles with PE, it's not so far off to say 
that it saved my entire life. 

I'll never forget the first time I ushered a woman into orgasm with 
my tongue. It was a watershed moment. I felt as E. B. White did 
when, recalling his years as a young struggling writer in New York, 
he described how it felt to sit down for dinner at Child's restaurant on 
Fourteenth Street and, going through his mail, discover his first 
check for a magazine piece he had written: “I can still remember the 
feeling that this was it, I was a pro at last. It was a good feeling and I 
enjoyed the meal.” 

I couldn't agree more. 

Today, I'm happily married and able to make love successfully, 
but I still believe wholeheartedly in the “way of the tongue.” It's 
simply the tool best suited for the job. More than that, I believe that 
cunnilingus is the most intimate, respectful, and rewarding sexual act 
a man can engage in. As Sally Tisdale wrote, “To submit to an- 
other's belly, or another's mouth. Oral sex may be the most potent of 
sexual acts. It is an act of power derived from the most vulnerable 
kind of intimacy.” 

Some people refer to oral sex as mouth-music, and as a musician 
I guess you can say I'm well down the path of accomplishment. But 
it wasn't until I met my wife that I found my Stradivarius — unique, 
beautiful, and priceless. If she is my violin, then I am her bow. I 
encourage you to find your Stradivarius. And when you do, protect, 
cherish, and remain constant to it, for then you will be able to play as 
a master. 

As much as I will discuss general techniques for success, every 
woman is different, and cunnilingus is ultimately about individual 
acts of knowing and giving. That's not to say you can't have a lot of 
fun casually, but such exploits are ultimately the pursuit of technique 
without a greater sense of purpose — pyrotechnics rather than real 
fireworks. Giving great head requires trusting the rhythm of what 
happens and relaxing into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self. 
It involves a mutual process of letting go and connecting to each 



other on every level. There's no faking it. You need to be more than 
just a technician. You need to imbue technique with all of your 
senses and imagination. Y ou need to be present, you need to be real; 
you need to be there in body, mind, and spirit. 

As E. B. White wrote, “Style results more from what a person is 
than from what he knows. But there are a few hints that can be 
thrown out to advantage.” 

With that in mind, let's get going. 


PART 


The Elements of Sexual Style 

ONE 


“Following then the order of nature 
let us begin with the principles which come first. ” 


— Aristotle, Poetics 



She Comes First: 

The Courtesy That Counts 


L ADIES FIRST, gentlemen. When it comes to satisfying a 
woman, a little old-fashioned chivalry goes a long way. Lest you 
think the importance of such courtesy is over exaggerated, direct 
your attention to Lorena Bobbitt, who, when questioned by police as 
to why she cut off her husband's penis, responded, “He always has an 
orgasm and doesn't wait for me. It's unfair.” 

Need one say more? 

Men are designed for efficiency. It doesn't take much to get us 
aroused, it's a rather uncomplicated process, and we tend to come 
only once before requiring a “refractory period” (also known as the 
part where we turn over and start snoring). And depending upon our 
age, this period could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a 
couple of days. 

The simple fact is that male orgasms come easy. Masters and 
Johnson dubbed it “ejaculatory inevitability” and the late Dr. Alfred 


C. Kinsey, famous for interviewing thousands about their sex lives, 
declared that 75 percent of men ejaculate within two minutes. 

But when it comes to the female orgasm, nothing's inevitable. As 
Sally Tisdale wrote: 

Male sexuality seems different from mine fundamentally 
because nothing need be involved but the head and shaft of 
the penis, no other part of the body need be troubled, 
touched, undressed, or soiled . . . the male orgasm has always 
seemed to me to burst almost from nowhere, to be infinitely 
more ready and willing than my own. 

The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes 
much longer to achieve during a session of sexual activity. In 
particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, 
requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation. Is it 
any surprise, then, that researchers from the University of Chicago 
declared in the 1 994 Sex in America Survey that men reach orgasm 
during intercourse far more consistently than do women, and that 
three fourths of men, but less than a third of women, always have 
orgasms. Less than a third! That means more than two out of three 
women on average are consistently denied their climax — good 
reason to start hiding the cutlery. 

“The male belongs to Yang 

Yang's peculiarity is that he is easily aroused. 

But also he easily retreats. 

The female belongs to Yin. 

Yin's peculiarity is that she is slow to be aroused 
But also slow to be satiated.” 

(Taoist master Wu Hsien) 




Irony, bitter and cruel, seems to be embedded into our respective 
processes of arousal: that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, 
possessing both a clitoris — an organ designed solely for the 
production of pleasure — as well as the ability to experience multiple 
orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often 
find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered — a magnificent 
conflagration left unlit — all for lack of a match that can hold its 
flame. 

It's not a problem with the match, say many men, but rather that a 
woman's fuse is too long. Perhaps, but then this raises the question 
how long is too long? Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and 
Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent 
twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to 
reach orgasm consistently. That's a shift of tectonic proportions — 
from two out of three women not being able to reach climax to nine 
out of ten achieving satisfaction — all because of a matter of minutes. 

Few, if any, of the world's problems can be solved with a mere 
twenty minutes of attention, and yet here, in the complex 
sociopolitical landscape of the bedroom, we have an opportunity to 
create bilateral satisfaction. When put that way, in the context of 
sexual peace and equality, is twenty minutes of focused attention, 
applied appropriately, really too much to ask, especially if it can 
save your sex life? 

Take the path of the true gentleman: postpone your pleasure. As 

Sir Thomas Wyatt, father of the English sonnet wrote, “Patience 
shall be my song.” 

Ushering a woman into orgasm is both exhilarating and 
liberating. When she comes first, anxiety and pressure are dispensed 
with; you are emboldened, empowered to pursue with gusto the 
gratification that awaits you — a climax that will be heightened all the 
more for having been postponed. 


I love to make my girlfriend come, I love to experience the whole 
thing — the buildup and release of waves of pleasure, the 
surrender to ecstasy, the spasm of satisfaction, the momentary 
loss of self. It turns me on even more to know I made it happen.” 
(David, 27) 


What greater reward could a man ask for? 




Her Clitoris: The little Engine 
That Could 


I LLUSION: The clitoris is “a tiny love button,” “a little pink 
pearl,” “small as a pea,” “a bud,” “a nub,” “a nib,” “a knob,” “a 
teeny-weeny cock.” 

ALLUSION: There's more to the clitoris than meets the eye. 
Much more. Don't mistake the hooded crown (the “glans” or “head”) 
for the entire clitoris. As we will discuss, the head is just the tip of 
the iceberg, a tantalizing allusion to unseen wells of pleasure. 1 

Like a Greek column, the clitoris has three components — a head, 
a shaft, and a base — that extend throughout the pelvic area, with 
visible structures encompassing the entire area of the vulva, from the 
top of the pubic bone down to the anus, as well as unseen parts inside 


It's worth noting that within the medical and scientific communities the actual 
anatomy of the female clitoris is still a matter of some debate. While there exists a 
contingent of traditionalists who maintain that the clitoris is composed of nothing 
more than the glans (the head), there is also a more progressive and widely accepted 
view that builds on the research of pioneers like Masters and Johnson, Mary Jane 
Sherfey, and the Feminist Women's Health Centers among others. This view 
(espoused within these pages as well) maintains that the clitoris is a complex organ 
system that is homologous to the male penis. 


the vaginal area. In their landmark work, A New View of a Woman's 
Body: A Fully Illustrated Guide, the Federation of Feminist 
Women's Health Centers identified eighteen structures in the clitoral 
network, some visible, some hidden. 

With more than eight thousand nerve fibers, the clitoris has more 
of these than any other part of the human body and interacts with the 
fifteen thousand nerve fibers that service the entire pelvic area. This 
vast erogenous landscape literally throbs with potential pleasure. As 
science writer Natalie Angier writes of the clitoral network, “Nerves 
are like wolves or birds: if one starts crying, there goes the 
neighborhood.” So stop thinking of the clitoris as a little bump, and 
start thinking of it as a complex network, a pleasure dome, the 
Xanadu at the heart of female sexuality. 

Because it's all that and more. When engorged with blood 
during sexual arousal, the clitoris increases in size, just like a penis. 
In fact, the clitoris was created from the same embryonic tissue as 
the penis, and can be compared point by point with the male 
genitalia. And unlike the penis — burdened with the responsibilities 
of reproduction and the removal of waste — the clitoris is devoted 
solely to pleasure and confers upon the female “an infinitely greater 
capacity for sexual response than a man ever dreamed of.” (Masters 
and Johnson) According to Greek mythology, when Zeus and Hera 
went to the hermaphrodite Tiresias in order to determine who 
experiences more pleasure from sex, men or women, Tiresias 
responded, “If the sum of love's pleasure adds up to ten — nine parts 
go to women, only one to men.” 

Like Christopher Columbus sallying forth into the unknown, your 
exploration of the clitoral network will lead to the discovery of a 
whole new world. But knowing a little geography goes a long way. 
The earth isn't flat; nor is the clitoris a love button. Know your maps, 
and know that every voyage is unique. 



Think Outside Her Box 


W HEN DESCRIBING SEX in the proverbial locker room, men 
tend to employ the language of penetration — adjectives like 
“hard” and “deep.” We go in, we extricate: “I lucked the out of 
her” — as though pleasure was something buried deep inside her 
womb, a nugget to be rammed, jostled, and liberated with the 
powerful male tool. 

Rare is the man who says, “I made love to her as subtly and 
lightly as a feather”; “I grazed her vulva as with the delicate wings of 
a butterfly”; “I barely touched her she came so hard!” And yet such 
language would be more appropriate, as the inner two thirds of the 
vagina are substantially less sensitive than the outer third. In a series 
of experiments, Dr. Kinsey asked five gynecologists to examine the 
genitals of almost nine hundred women in order to find out which 
areas were the most sensitive. “The deep interior walls of the vagina 
really have few nerve endings and are quite insensitive when stroked 
or lightly pressed.” But when gently touched on their clitorises, 98 
percent of women were aware of it. 


The superiority of the clitoris to the vagina in stimulating the 
process of female sexual response is enough to throw many a guy 
into a tailspin and make him question the very meaning of life, or at 
least the meaning of his penis. But as difficult as it may be, it's 
important to separate the concept of procreation from pleasure: the 
penis, by dint of its convenient fit into the vagina, may play an 
instrumental role in the former, but that doesn't mean it's ideally 
suited to the latter. 

This sort of talk is none too popular, mainly because it challenges 
the very foundation upon which our society's conception of sex has 
been forged, and throws into doubt the value of intercourse as the 
principal paradigm for constructing a model of mutual pleasure. 
From losing one's virginity to the consummation of a relationship to 
the cherished simultaneous orgasm, our culture has enshrined the 
role of genital penetration as the be-all, end-all of heterosexual 
relationships. Where would the “third date” be without it? 

The idea that genital penetration might be seriously over hyped is 
a bitter pill to swallow, especially for those men of the world who 
base much of their sexual self-esteem on the value of their penis in 
stimulating female pleasure. As we will soon see, there is a long 
history of “clitoral denial” in our culture that stems back to Freud — a 
way of thinking so deeply embedded into our collective 
consciousness that even a woman is more likely to question, or 
repress, the natural instincts, responses, and sensations of her own 
body — or just fake her way through it — than to challenge the 
conventional wisdom or risk bruising the male ego. Is it any wonder, 
then, that according to author Lou Paget the number one question 
sent in by female readers to the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine is: 
What can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse? Here's a simple 
answer: Don't have intercourse. Or at least make it part of a larger 
event and not the event itself. 

The pill doesn't have to be bitter, and once swallowed, it can be 
incredibly liberating. When we know how to recognize and navigate 
the process of female sexual response, when we understand the role 



of the clitoris in stimulating that process, then sex becomes easier, 
simpler, and more rewarding, and we're impelled to create pleasure 
not just with our penises, but with our hands and mouths, bodies and 
minds. In letting go of intercourse, we open ourselves up to new 
creative ways of experiencing pleasure, ways that may not strike us 
as inherently masculine, but ultimately allow us to be more of a man. 
Sex is no longer penis-dependent, and we can let go of the usual 
anxieties about size, stamina, and performance. We are free to love 
with more of ourselves, with our entire self. 


The Female Orgasm: Keep 
it Simple 


I N THE LORE of female sexuality, a lot of fuss is made over the 
differences between clitoral, G-spot, and blended and vaginal 
orgasms. The clitoral orgasm is often criticized as being quick and 
lighthearted, while the others are somehow deemed more serious and 
substantial. But a quick study of anatomy reveals that all orgasms are 
clitoral. The clitoris is the sexual epicenter, an orgasmic powerhouse 
in which no sensation goes unnoticed. As Natalie Angier writes of 
the infamous G-spot, the area of soft tissue just inside the vaginal 
area, “The roots of the clitoris run deep, after all, and very likely can 
be tickled through posterior agitation. In other words, the G-spot 
may be nothing more than the back end of the clitoris.” 

As for vaginal orgasms and the moans of pleasure that often 
accompany penetration, sorry to burst your bubble, gentlemen: while 
we'd like to believe that these sensations of excruciating ecstasy are 
being delivered from the depths of her vagina by the sheer power and 
reach of our formidable thrusts, they are actually “caused by pressure 
on the parts of the clitoris that surround the vaginal opening,” what 



author Rebecca Chalker refers to as the “clitoral cuff.” When this 
highly sensitized area is aroused and engorged with blood, a 
horseshoe like arch forms at the vaginal opening and applies friction 
and pressure against the male penis, playing a pivotal role in the 
stimulation of the male orgasm. So, in one sense, both the female and 
the male orgasm depend on the clitoris for stimulation. 

For those doubting Thomases who still can't let go of their 
vaginal attachment, consider that an estimated one in twelve 
thousand women suffers from an unusual congenital disorder called 
vaginal agenesis, in which they are literally bom without a vagina, 
despite normal development of external genitals, including major and 
minor labia. While these women are often unable to become 
pregnant without surgery or intense medical therapy, they are, in 
fact, able to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm — because even 
though they may lack a vagina, they still have a fully functional 
clitoris. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of women who have 
been subjected to the brutalities of a clitoridectomy. This painful 
mutilation, often referred to as female circumcision, is still practiced 
today in some cultures and almost always leaves the woman 
permanently disfigured, traumatized, and deprived of a clitoris and 
any chance of sexual enjoyment. 

What these two examples demonstrate is that even if one 
adamantly subscribes to the idea of vaginal and G-spot orgasms as 
being discrete orgasmic experiences unto themselves, the clitoris is 
clearly the “starter” or catalyst for sexual response. While it's 
possible to experience a clitoral orgasm without the presence of a 
vagina, it's virtually impossible to experience a vaginal or G-spot 
orgasm without the presence of a clitoris. 

So when considering all of the various terms and types of female 
orgasm that are often bandied about, we can simplify matters by 
adopting “Occam's razor,” the principle coined by the medieval 
philosopher William of Occam that lies at the root of all scientific 
modeling and theory building: Entia non sunt multiplicanda 


necessitatem. Translation: “One should not make more assumptions 
than are absolutely necessary.” 

When we speculate about the nature of a given phenomenon (like 
the female orgasm), this principle beseeches us to eliminate those 
concepts, variables, or constructs that are not needed to explain the 
phenomenon. In doing so, we reduce inconsistencies, ambiguities, 
and redundancies, as well as the likelihood of error. 

So there's no need to quibble over semantics when it comes to 
identifying orgasms. The clitoris encompasses them all. The tongue 
is far better used to produce orgasms than to waste time naming 
them. 



The Tongue Is Mightier 
Than the Sword 


N UMEROUS STUDIES have demonstrated that women whose 
lovers give them direct clitoral stimulation during sexual 
activity are more likely to climax consistently. But because of its 
location, most sexual positions (especially missionary-style) do not 
properly stimulate the clitoris. As Shere Hite concluded, “Sex 
provides efficiently for male orgasm, and inefficiently for female 
orgasm.” 

If you were going to paint a landscape in fine, subtle watercolors, 
would you use a soft, flexible brush, or a cumbersome, unwieldy 
roller? A woman's orgasm is complex and often elusive, and many 
men are unable to control their penises with enough precision to 
properly guide a woman through the stages of arousal. Making love 
with one's penis is like trying to write calligraphy with a thick Magic 
Marker. 

The tongue, on the other hand, is under our direct control, has no 
time constraints, and can be manipulated with expert precision. 


In Sex: A Man's Guide the authors conclude, “One of the biggest 
revelations of the Men's Health magazine survey was the number 
of men who said that oral sex is the best way to ring her chimes. 
Over and over again, we heard such things as 'oral sex is the only 
method that consistently enables my wife to reach orgasm' or 'if a 
man knows how to give outstanding oral sex, then a woman will 
reach orgasm every time.’” 

Unlike the penis, it's effective when hard or soft, and never gets 
overheated. When using his tongue, a man doesn't have to worry 

about growing fatigued, nor does he need fret over premature 
ejaculation or impotence. He can relax and enjoy the act of giving. 

The tongue, an array of muscles and nerves held together by a 
membrane covered with thousands of taste buds, is the most versatile 
sex organ we possess. It's the only muscle in the body that's not 
attached at both ends. We can touch, taste, and lick with it. The 
tongue is the instrument that lets us speak many languages, foremost 
among them the language of love. 

But having the right tool is just a start; you need to know how to 
use it. Many women complain woefully about men's oral techniques: 
the lack of consistent, rhythmic pressure; their roughness; the mad 
stampede for the clitoris. As Strunk and White wrote in Elements of 
Style, “Do not overstate ... a single overstatement, wherever or 
however it occurs, diminishes the whole.” 

Sadly, many women also complain about men's attitudes toward 
cunnilingus: squeamish and hesitant; overeager, impatient, even 
angry. And many men fail to finish what they started. In The Hite 
Report on Male Sexuality, the author observes that although most 
men enjoy cunnilingus, only a small minority of men continued to 
perform it until the woman reached orgasm. 




Most men consider cunnilingus an aspect of foreplay, an 
appetizer to be served before the main meal of genital intercourse. 
But according to author Paula Kamen, “In a study of sexually 
knowledgeable and experienced women who use a vibrator, the most 
common type of stimulation that usually or always triggers an 
orgasm is oral sex.” 

So perhaps we need to find a word other than “foreplay” in order 
to properly classify and appreciate the importance of cunnilingus. 
We need a category that is more encompassing and inclusive. Kamen 
cites a 1996 Mademoiselle article in which author Valerie Fra nk el 
uses the term “outercourse” to describe those important non-genital 
activities that frequently fall under the rubric of foreplay: “Women 
of the 90s are not squeamish little virgins. We've had intercourse — 
lots of it — and think that Outercourse kicks its ass.” 

Regardless of how we categorize it, we need to understand that 
cunnilingus is a complete process that takes a woman through the 
gamut of sexual response. Later, in Part H, cunnilingus will be 
referred to as coreplay — the centerpiece of the “play process” — with 
foreplay encompassing those activities prior to the first “genital 
kiss.” 

G iving expert cunnilingus requires learning appropriate 

techniques (through reading a book such as this and also 
through individual experimentation) and then applying them 
consistently over time in a focused, patient, and loving manner; most 
important, it requires respecting, sharing, and participating wholly in 
the erotic intimacy of the moment. 

“The penis is very badly placed, anatomically speaking, when it 
comes to making women come. Better if men simply left their penis 
alone, stopped attending to those immature nerve fibers, and 
concentrated instead on learning how to orgasm through their 
tongues.” (Tisdale) 

It sounds funny, but in a certain sense we can orgasm through our 
tongues. It's not that the tongue is a replacement for the penis; if 


anything, it's an addition, an enhancement — an extension. Men often 
joke of having two heads, the big and the little, and of their frequent 
battles with each other. However, during cunnilingus, if you trust the 
moment and let yourself go, you enter a zone where both your heads 
are united in a process of arousal that is synchronized with hers. You 
become one with yourself and her. 



Her Inner Goddess 


I MAGINE A WORLD in which a woman's orgasm, along with the 
male's, is a necessary and critical part of the reproductive process: 
a world in which human beings can't reproduce unless both man and 
woman experience orgasm at the moment of insemination. In this 
bizarre world, men are selected as mates based not on their 
proficiency to wield a spear or look good in a tux, but on their ability 
to consistently lead a woman to climax; only those men who are able 
to experience their pleasure as part of a woman's find themselves 
accepted by society. The rest are ostracized, cast out, banished to the 
margin. 

Sounds strange, like the makings of a Margaret Atwood novel or 
an X-rated episode of The Twilight Zone, but in fact, up through the 
eighteenth century, scientists, doctors, and philosophers believed that 
the female orgasm was an integral component of reproduction. As 
Natalie Angier noted, “The ancients also saw no difference between 
men's and women's capacity for sexual pleasure and the necessity of 
the female orgasm for conception. Galen proclaimed that a woman 
could not get pregnant unless she had an orgasm.” 

This type of “nonscientific” thinking hearkens back thousands of 
years, to a time before patriarchs, to an age of matriarchs and 


goddess worship, when societies revered a woman's sexuality as a 
life-giving force, and celebrated it with elaborate sex rituals that took 
place in temples and included costumes, incense, poetry, music, 
feasts, and wine. 

We tend to take it for granted that our society defines sex as a 
linear process that includes foreplay, vaginal penetration, and the 
male orgasm. And because of its role in the act of procreation, the 
male orgasm/ejaculation is enshrined in our culture's definition of 
sex. The male orgasm presages the denouement of the sex act, 
regardless of where a woman is in the process of sexual response and 
irrespective of her innate biological capacity to experience multiple 
orgasms. The male orgasm is the signifying event that defines what 
comes before, as well as after. The male orgasm is indispensable and 
highly valued by society, not so the females. 

What happened? Even up through the seventeenth century, 
Western science and society maintained a “one-sex” view of the 
human anatomy; that the genitals of men and women were similar 
and functioned in a similar way to produce orgasm. As long as the 
one-sex view prevailed, the capacity for female pleasure was 
understood, if not always respected. 


In the very first paragraph of his essay,” The Functions and 
Disorders of the Reproductive Organs,” the well-known Victorian 
doctor William Acton stated, “I should say that the majority of 
women (happily for society) are not very much troubled with 
sexual feelings of any kind. What men are habitually, women are 
only exceptionally.” 


According to Rebecca Chalker, author of the insightful book The 
Clitoral Truth, as Western civilization (and women's discontents) 
progressed through the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, 




“Women's sexuality was seen as very different from men's — 
increasingly weak and chaste and passionless.” 

Chalker continues, “Anatomists began to ascribe parts of the 
clitoris to the reproductive or urinary system. Medical illustrations 
became increasingly more simplistic, leaving parts of the clitoris 
unlabelled. By Victorian times, the orgasm, which was previously 
accepted as a natural component of women's sexual repertoire, was 
seen as unnecessary, unseemly, and perhaps even unhealthy for 
women.” 

And then, as if the clitoris didn't have enough problems, along 
came a psychoanalyst with a Big Cigar (and sometimes, regardless of 
size, a cigar is really just a cigar) . . . 


Avoid Freud 


S IGMUND FREUD made a name for himself demonizing the 
clitoris and formulating a truly cockamamie view of women's 
sexuality. Freud promulgated the idea that the clitoris was an 
immature source of sexual pleasure, a mere launching pad for the 
more “mature” vaginal orgasm, which, of course, could only be 
produced via genital intercourse. What's particularly insidious is that 
at the time of his postulating Freud had a rather clear understanding 
of the anatomical role of the clitoris and chose instead to promote his 
personal ideas about female sexuality over current scientific 
knowledge. In short, he abused the bully pulpit. 

Freud demoted the clitoris and promoted the vagina, 
characterizing clitoral orgasms as “infantile.” According to Freud, 
adult women needed to get past their need for clitoral orgasms and 
develop a desire for penetration; after all, isn't that what penises do? 
Penetrate? Female masturbation was criticized as creating clitoral 



With the change to femininity the clitoris should wholly, or in 
part, hand over its sensitivity and at the same time its importance 
to the vagina. 

(Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis) 

dependency; oral sex was verboten. In Freud's view, there were no 
two ways about it: if a woman couldn't be satisfied by penetrative 
sex, something must be wrong with her. As Dr. Thomas Lowry 
commented in his essay “The Cultural Psychology of the Clitoris,” 
“The idea sprang into Freud's head in 1910 without a visible shred of 
experimental evidence and it has probably caused more unnecessary 
worry than any other single psychological notion.” 

Since it was well known at the time that sensitive nerve endings 
contributing to sexual response were on the surface of a woman's 
genital area, Freud's views were not based on physiology, or an 
understanding of anatomy, but rather on a conception of human 
sexuality that reinforced the penetrative, reproductive model. Hence, 
a woman's sexuality became subsumed by a male's. From there, it 
was all downhill. 

“Freud's summary dismissal of the clitoris as an important focus 
of sexual sensation for women had an atomic effect on how 
physicians and psychologists perceived women's sexuality. It was as 
if, for most of the twentieth century, women's extensive genital 
anatomy, and even the explosive little glans, was vaporized. Memory 
of the clitoris gradually faded until it became an anatomical 
nonentity.” (Chalker) 

Alas, if only Freud, who him s elf said “anatomy is destiny,” had 
had the “clitoral sense” to see that this powerful organ would 
eventually rise from the ashes of his much-ballyhooed cigar. In 
fairness to Freud, it should be acknowledged that as he neared the 
end of his life he acknowledged his incomplete understanding of 
female sexuality and said, “If you want to know more about 
femininity, you must interrogate your own experience, or turn to the 


poets, or else wait until science can give you more profound and 
more coherent information.” 

Today, our understanding and appreciation of the importance of 
the clitoris, and the stimulation of it, owes much to the dogged 
efforts of those impassioned individuals who bucked the 
conventional wisdom and did battle throughout the sexual revolution 
of the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s: prominent figures such as Dr. Alfred 
Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Shere Hite, Betty Dodson, and less 
prominent, but equally important ones like Dr. Mary Jane Sherfey, 
who pioneered the idea that the clitoris is a powerful organ system. 

But knowledge is only powerful when disseminated and put into 
practice. Men need to take the time to learn what most women know 
intuitively about their bodies — how to listen to and feel them — and 
sex needs to be redefined as an activity that accommodates a wide 
variety of sensual and erotic activities; including, but by no means 
limited to, genital intercourse. 

In both philosophy and practice, any definition of sex must, first 
and foremost, include a powerful element of respect. According to 
journalist Paula Kamen, author of the survey of sexual attitudes Her 
Way, “Women receiving oral sex is an act most directly reflecting 
women's growing power in both their sexual relationships and in 
society. The practice depends on both women's and men's 
recognition and respect of this power.” 

In The Cradle of Erotica by A. Edwardes and R.E.L. Masters, we 
are told that during the Tang Dynasty, the Empress Wu Hu ruled 
China. She knew that sex and power were inexorably linked, and she 


When my husband gives me head, it's such a powerful tum-on ... 
he's completely focused on me, I'm the center of his attention, and 
I feel like he's really loving me, every part of me, all at once.” 
(Kelly, 32) 





decreed that government officials and visiting dignitaries must pay 
homage to her imperial highness by performing cunnilingus upon 
her. No joke. Old paintings depict the beautiful, powerful empress 
standing and holding her ornate robe open while a high nobleman or 
diplomat is shown kneeling before her, applying his lips and tongue 

to her royal mound. What's in a Name? 

Well gone are the days of kings and queens and royal decrees, but 
inside many a modem woman is an Empress Wu Hu, longing to be 
honored by her nobleman. 


L ET'S FACE IT. Most men can more easily identify what's under 
the hood of a car than what's under the hood of a clitoris. This 
“genital confusion” arises because parts of the clitoral network are 
hidden from the naked eye. Even though the genitals of both men 
and women are formed from the same embryonic material, and 
develop during gestation in an equivalent manner, the penis grows 
out, while much of the clitoris grows in. (Interestingly, Oliver 
Wendell Holmes remarked that the female genitalia were simply 
those of the male turned inside out. But on the contrary, modem 
science teaches us that the male is a modified female, differentiated 
during the first trimester of pregnancy. So if anything, the male 
genitalia are a mirror image of the female's rather than vice versa.) 



“Vagina or Vulva: That Is the Question” 


The visible parts of the female genitalia are encompassed by the 
vulva, or what's commonly, and mistakenly, referred to as the 
vagina. “Vagina” tends to be the de facto word we use to describe 
“everything down there,” but the entrance to the vagina, also known 
as the “introitus,” is just one part of the vulva's impressive expanse 
and certainly not the primary part when it comes to stimulation and 
the process of arousal. 

Etymologically, “vagina” originates from a Latin word meaning 
“a sheath or scabbard for a sword,” reinforcing its relationship to the 
penis and dependency upon penetration or insertion for broader 
meaning — which may be indicative of the reproductive process, but 
certainly not the pleasure process. 

What's in a name? According to Shakespeare, “That which we 
call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But the 
language of science is by no means the language of love; 
“cunnilingus,” “vulva,” and “vaginal introitus” — those may not be 
the first words that come to mind in the heat of the moment. But 
they're the right words, in that they're scientifically accurate and 
properly descriptive. And knowing the right words is a powerful 
starting point for clearly understanding the process of sexual 
response and, ultimately, developing an erotic lexicon that is unique 
and true to the spirit of your individual relationship. 

In speaking of The Vagina Monologues, author and activist Eve 
Ensler described her thought process in committing to the word 
“vagina” in both the title and throughout the work: 

I say it because we haven't come up with a word that is more 
inclusive, that really describes the entire area and all its 
parts. “Pussy” is probably a better word, but it has so much 
baggage connected with it. And besides I don't think most of 
us have a clear idea of what we're talking about when we say 


“pussy.” “Vulva” is a good word; it speaks more 
specifically, but I don't think most of us are clear what the 
vulva includes. 





Ms. Ensler is right: the term “vulva” is much more specific and 
inclusive, especially when describing the visible parts of the clitoris. 
Although the vagina plays an extremely active role in the 
reproductive process, it takes a backseat to the clitoris in the 
production of pleasure; employing “vagina” as a catchall phrase for 
describing a woman's genitalia actually promotes an inaccurate 
understanding of female anatomy, perhaps even more so than the 
more generic “down there.” 

So, “vulva” it is — in the interest of accuracy, as well as in the 
hope of promoting greater familiarity with the term. The words you 
choose to use in your bedroom are your own business; supplying you 
with accurate knowledge is this book's business. 


Now You See It: 
Female Sexual Anatomy Part I 


The Vulva and External Parts 
of the Clitoris 2 

S TARTING WITH the visible parts of the clitoral network, let's 
take a closer look at what's really “down there.” 

The Mons Pubis. We begin our journey, north, at the mons pubis, 
also known as the “mons veneris” (mountain of Venus), named after 
the Roman goddess of love. The mons pubis is a thick pad of fatty 


” While there is no shortage of documentation on the female sexual anatomy, as 
well as on the process of female sexual response, our review of these areas is based 
on the groundbreaking work of the Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers 
and their highly informative book A New View of a Woman's Body. Based on years 
of research and self-examination, FFWHC has redefined much of what had been 
previously held to be true about the nature of female sexuality. 



Interestingly, the principal function of pubic hair is to attract and 
retain odors that stem from the release of glands in the pubic area 
and serve as a source of arousal. As Napoleon noted in a love 
letter to Josephine: “A thousand kisses to your neck, your breasts, 
and lower down, much lower down, that little black forest I love 
so well.” 


tissue, covered in pubic hair, which is sometimes called the love 
mound because it forms a soft mound over the pubic bone. 

The Labia Majora. Heading south from the mons pubis, we next 
encounter the starting point of the labia majora (major lips). The 
outer sides of the labia majora, also known as the outer lips, are rich 
with pubic hair, whereas their inner sides are smooth, lined with oil 
and sweat glands. Beneath the skin of the outer lips is a network of 
erectile tissue that engorges with blood during arousal. The outer lips 
are analogous to the male scrotum, and both were formed from the 
same embryonic tissue. Although sensitive to touch, the outer lips 
are not nearly as sensitive as the labia minora (small lips) or other 
parts of the clitoral network such as the head and shaft. 

The Front Commissure. The outer lips mark an area where the 
visible parts of the clitoris begin. This highly sensitive area, just 
above the clitoral head, is called the front commissure, and it's from 
this point that the clitoral shaft — an unseen, but instrumental part of 
the clitoris — protrudes. 

The Labia Minora. Enfolded within the labia majora are the labia 
minora (little lips), although many insist that it's more apt to refer to 
both sets of lips respectively as outer and inner, rather than big and 
little, since the inner lips sometimes protrude out and beyond the 
outer lips. Interestingly, the inner lips are also archaically known 


Some anthropologists speculate that a woman's use of lipstick 
stems from her desire to have the visible upper lips resemble the 
inner hidden lips below — a signal to the opposite sex that she is 
sexually ready. 


as “nymphae,” named after the nymphs of ancient Greece who were 
famous for their irrepressible libidos and are the source of the term 
“nymphomania.” 

The inner lips enfold and surround the clitoral glans (the head), 
the urethral opening, and the introitus (entrance) to the vagina. Like 
the inner side of the labia majora, these smaller, inner lips have no 
hair, but are layered with oil glands that look and feel like tiny 
bumps. Dense with nerves, the inner lips are extremely sensitive and 
play an important role in the process of arousal. 

The inner lips are remarkably diverse in size and appearance. 
From woman to woman, and often on the same woman, no two lips 
are the same. Some lips are narrow; others wide; some curl inward, 
others flare outward. Sometimes the texture is glossy and smooth, 
sometimes wrinkled and bumpy. During the process of arousal, the 
inner lips change color, from light pink to darker hues, and swell and 
puff in size as they engorge with blood. 

The Hood. The outer edges of the inner lips meet just above the 
sensitive clitoral head to form the well-known protective hood 
(which is analogous to the foreskin of the penis), also known as the 
prepuce. The friction created when the clitoral hood rubs against the 
head is a powerful source of stimulation and pleasure. The hood also 
protects the head from overstimulation; just prior to the release of 
orgasm, it's into the folds of the hood that the head seeks refuge. 

The Frenulum. Below the head, the inner edges of the labia minora 
meet to form the frenulum, a small expanse of soft, sensitive skin, 





also known as the bridle. Like the inner lips, this area is rich in nerve 
fibers and is extremely sensitive to the touch. 

The Fourchette. The bottom edges of the lips meet beneath the 
vaginal entrance in an area known as the fourchette, or little fork, 
dust as the front commisure marks the top part of the visible clitoris, 
the fourchette marks the bottom. 

The Clitoral Gians (the head). Protected by the hood of the inner 
lips, he head is the crown jewel that rests atop the unseen shaft and 
crura (the legs). With approximately eight thousand nerve endings, 
twice as many as the head of the penis and more than any other part 
of the human body, the head is the visible part of a woman's clitoris 
that ofen gets referred to as the “love button.” It's not a bad term; just 
remember that it applies to only one part of the clitoris — the head. 

One of the biggest mistakes a lover can make is to underestimate 
the sensitivity of the clitoral head. In fact, at the peak of sexual 
arousal, the head becomes so sensitive that, with a little help from 
the suspensory ligament (an unseen part of the of the clitoris), it 
retracts beneath its hood and is often hidden at the moment of 
climax. 

Some heads are large; others are small. Size varies greatly, just as 
it does with the male penis. But regardless of size and shape, all 
contain the same number of nerve endings, so clitoral dimensions 
have no impact on a woman's sensitivity. 

There's quite a bit of contention over the etymology of the word 
“clitoris.” Some believe it stems from the Greek, kleitoris, meaning 
“little hill or slope”; others say it comes from the Greek verb 
kleitoriazein, meaning “to touch or titillate lasciviously, to be 
inclined to pleasure”; and still others claim that the Greek word 
kleitoris originally meant “divine and goddesslike.” In some sense, 
all these meanings are true. 


Perineum. The perineum is the small expanse of skin just above the 
anus and just beneath the vaginal entrance (sometimes referred to 
casually as the “taint,” because “it t'aint one or the other”). Beneath 
the skin of the perineum is a network of blood vessels and tissue, 
which fill with blood during arousal and become intensely sensitive. 
Dr. Kinsey observed during his research that the perineum is “highly 
sensitive to touch, and tactile stimulation of the area may provide 
considerable erotic arousal.” When making your travel plans of the 
clitoral network, make sure to include this southern hot spot. 



Now You Don't: 

Female Sexual Anatomy Part 2 


The Internal Parts of 
the Clitoris 

W HEN IT COMES to the female genitalia and the hidden parts 
of the clitoris, seeing is only the first part of believing. Y ou 
need to rely on all of your senses, especially touch. In their book A 
New View of a Woman's Body, the Feminist Center for Health 
identified eighteen parts in the clitoral network, many of which are 
unseen but are nonetheless felt or contribute to the experience of 
feeling. Let's review the internal parts of the clitoris: 

The Clitoral Body. Attached to the head, and running just beneath 
the surface of the skin, the clitoral shaft can easily be felt, especially 
when aroused and filled with blood. A soft little pipe, the shaft is 
composed of spongy erectile tissue that is extremely receptive to 


sensation. The shaft extends north from the head toward the mons 
pubis for about three quarters of an inch before forking and dividing 
like a wishbone into two thin crura (or legs) that flare downward 
along the path of the inner lips and surround twin bulbs of erectile 
tissue, known as the clitoral bulbs. 

If you've ever noticed that the clitoral head seems to retract and 
disappear under its protective hood during peak arousal, that's 
because the suspensory ligament — attached to the head at one end 
and the ovaries at the other — is being stretched, causing the head to 
retract. 

Additionally, the clitoris has layers of muscle, usually referred to 
as vaginal muscles or pelvic floor muscles. There is the oval-shaped 
bulbocavernous muscle that rests between the inner lips and the 
bulbs of the clitoris. This muscle is interwoven with muscle that 
encircles the anus, and is part of the reason that anal stimulation is 
often a tum-on and hence part of the clitoral network. 

Underneath it all is a broad, flat layer of muscle called the 
pubococcygeus (pew-bo-cok-SIH-gee-us) or PC muscle. The PC 
muscle is also known as the “Kegel” muscle, named after Dr. Arnold 
Kegel who observed that the PC muscle contracts during orgasm. 
Kegel subsequently developed a series of exercises designed to 
strengthen the pelvic muscles and heighten pleasure for both 
partners, hence the birth of “Kegels.” In both men and women, the 
PC muscle is easily identified as the one that allows us to stop the 
flow of urine. 



Avoid “G-Spotty” 


Logic 


L ET'S TALK about spot removal, G-spot removal that is. Starting 
at the urethral opening, and running about two inches deep to the 
bladder, is the urethra, which first and foremost enables the removal 
of urine. Surrounding the urethra is a ring of spongy erectile tissue, 
known as coipus spongiosum, which fills with blood (luring arousal 
and protects the urethra from the friction of penetration. This area of 
spongy tissue is also known as the much-ballyhooed G-spot, named 
in 1944 after Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, who described a “zone of 
erogenous feeling . . . located along the suburethral surface of the 
anterior vaginal wall.” In layman's terms, Dr. Kinsey observed, 
“Most of those women who did notice some response had the 
sensitivity confined to a certain point, in most cases the upper wall of 
the vagina just inside the vaginal entrance.” For all its hype, the G- 
spot, as cited earlier, may simply be nothing more than the roots of 
the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge. 


While sensitive to stimulation, but without nearly as many nerve 
endings as the clitoral head, the G-spot generally responds to a more 
persistent, massaging pressure. It's not uncommon for a woman to 
feel a fleeting urge to urinate when this area is stimulated. 

A whole lot of fuss has been made over the difference between a 
clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm, with many claiming that the 
latter is responsible for the production of the fuller vaginal orgasm. 
This hubbub reached its apex with the publication in 1982 of the The 
G Spot by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and Dr. John Perry. 
In retrospect, it's possible to argue that all their book ultimately 
accomplished was to reintroduce a spruced-up, hyped-up theory of 
vaginal orgasm into the mainstream, with the added bonus of female 
ejaculation. Of course it was a cultural sensation; the notion of a G- 
spot dovetailed seamlessly into the “intercourse discourse” and gave 
penetration a new, invigorated raison d'etre. Is that revolutionary, or 
just plain reactionary? 

As we discussed earlier, the whole idea of a mature vaginal 
orgasm vs. an immature clitoral one was a bogus construct to begin 
with, promulgated by Freud, peipetuated by his followers, and 
reinvented and sensationalized in the form of the G-spot. And 
although the urethral sponge is indeed attached to the vaginal ceiling, 
it is nevertheless considered an integral part of the clitoral network 
and not a separate part of the vagina that produces pleasure. A G- 
spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm; it's part of 
the same pleasure network. As such, when we address the techniques 
in Part II, this book will make a somewhat radical break from the 
tradition of erotological literature by referring to the area that is 
generally known as the G-spot as the “clitoral cluster,” a name that 
more accurately, and simply, expresses its anatomical power and role 
in the process of female sexual response. 



When Raindrops Keep Falling 
on Your Head: Female Ejaculation 


T HE G-SPOT is also thought to be the source of female 
ejaculation, another matter of controversy. Does a woman 
actually ' ejaculate? The answer is yes, but not in the same sense as 
the explosive male orgasm and not nearly as often as the “ejaculation 
evangelists” would have us believe. In general, female ejaculation 
appears to be the exception rather than the rule. Today, a whole 
industry has emerged around the concept, pitching a vast array of 
hooks, tapes, videos, and seminars that urge women to discover and 
master their ejaculatory potential. But amid all the snake oil, it's 
worth keeping in mind that the orgasm reflex is part of the 
autonomic nervous system — it's an involuntary response outside of 
the control of the mind. The momentary out-of-body sense of 
“timelessness” that we experience when we've reached the point of 
no return is intrinsic to the release of sexual tension and part and 
parcel of the joy of sexual ecstasy; it shouldn't be muddled up with 
mind control exercises that may, in the end, enable a woman to 



produce a wee bit of fluid, but do not qualitatively enhance the 
experience of orgasm, and indeed may ultimately detract from it. 

Where does female ejaculate come from? Depends on what type 
of emission you're talking about. The type of fluid that sometimes 
gets released as part of the natural involuntary orgasmic reflex 
appears to originate in the area of spongy tissue that surrounds the 
urethra and encompasses tiny para-urethral glands. Two of the 
largest of these glands are called Skene's glands and appear near the 
urethral opening. Some studies have argued that the fluid produced 
by these glands is actually urine. Upon analysis, however, it's been 




concluded that these glands, in fact, produce a clear alkaline fluid 
that is much closer in composition to male prostatic fluid, and gives 
rise to the even more controversial notion of the existence of a 
female prostate. In fact, until 1880, these para-urethral glands were 
simply called “prostates.” In short, female ejaculate of this sort is not 
urine. 

However, the fluid that is reputed to gush when consciously 
impelled by the bearing down of the pelvic muscles may very well 
be coming from the bladder and thereby contain urine. Women who 
train themselves to consciously ejaculate also appear to produce 
more fluid than women who emit fluid involuntarily, lending further 
credence to the idea that urine may be contributing to the overall 
volume of ejaculate. What's interesting as well is that interviews with 
women who are able to voluntarily ejaculate reveal that the process 
is independent of sexual arousal and does not necessarily heighten 
the pleasure of orgasm, whereas women who involuntarily ejaculate 
are unable to parse the experience of orgasm and ejaculation and 
often don't even know that they've ejaculated. 

All in all, it does not appear that ejaculation, voluntary or 
involuntary, does much to enhance the pleasure of orgasm, lb that 
end, a woman's time would be better spent on Kegel exercises and 
the strengthening of the pelvic floor muscles — an exercise known to 
increase the quality of orgasmic contractions. 


How Wet Is Wet? 


T HE VAGINA IS VITAL to the reproductive process — as a birth 
canal, a receptacle for sperm, and a vehicle for the release of 
menstrual blood — but not in the production of pleasure. 

In a nonaroused state, the vagina is a compressed tube, about 
three to four inches long, composed of muscle, and lined with 
mucous membranes not dissimilar to the lining of the mouth. During 
arousal, a woman's vagina widens and opens in order to 
accommodate the penis — a few inches in both depth and width — 
creating what Masters and Johnson referred to as the “ballooning” 
effect. Meanwhile, the outer third of the vagina begins to narrow and 
tighten as the clitoral structures that are located there fill with blood; 
this compression creates a “clitoral cuff’ that actually helps stimulate 
a man to orgasm through the application of pressure and friction 
against the penis. 



In Taoist sex practices, a woman's vaginal secretions are 
considered an essential part of her “yin” energy, a libation that 
should be savored in the pursuit of yin/yang harmony and is 
referred to as “moon flower.” 


A woman's vagina usually begins to lubricate shortly after 
stimulation — what looks like beads of sweat form all over the 
vaginal walls; this is sometimes called vaginal sweating. Just below 
the vaginal opening are the ducts that connect to the vulvovaginal 
glands, which secrete a few drops of thick fluid that contribute, along 
with the sweating of the vagina, to the lubrication of the vaginal 
opening. 

As we will discuss in the section on foreplay, lubrication is a big 
part of the arousal process, but is by no means an unequivocal 
indicator that a woman's been amply stimulated. She may be 
lubricated, but not necessarily aroused. These secretions are part of 
the vagina's natural way of keeping it free of bacteria that don't 
belong there. Conversely, a woman may be highly aroused, yet not 
necessarily well lubricated. 

In short, a woman's ability to lubricate can be impacted by a 
variety of factors — her estrogen levels, diet, and stress to name a 
few. And while lubrication is connected to the process of arousal and 
plays an important role in subsequent sexual activity, assessing her 
readiness depends on a variety of factors and is ultimately more art 
than science. 

Now that we've met the various parts of the clitoral network — 
both visible and hidden — let's take a closer look at how they interact 
and come together in the process of sexual response. Again we take 
our cue from Strunk and White: “Before beginning to compose 
something, gauge the nature and extent of the enterprise, and work 


from a suitable design . . . you cannot plunge in blindly . . . lest you 
miss the forest for the trees and there be no end to your labors.” 

Summary of the 18 Parts of the Clitoris 

In The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker delineates the 
eighteen parts of the clitoris based on the research of the 
Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers. Here's an 
abridged version. (Don't let the list overwhelm you; in Part II, 
we'll take a much closer look at the important hot-spots, one by 
one, and soon they'll be right on the tip of your tongue.) 

1 . The front commissure (the point where the outer lips meet at 
the base of the mons pubis). 

2. The glans (head). 

3. The inner lips, or labia minora. 

4. The clitoral hood. 

5. The frenulum (the point where the outer edges of the inner 
lips meet just below the head). 

6. The fourchette (the point where the inner lips meet beneath 
the vaginal opening). 

7. The hymen, or its remnants, visible just inside the vaginal 
opening. 

8. The clitoral shaft, which connects the head and the legs. 

9. The legs, or crura, two elongated bodies of erectile tissue, 
shaped like a wishbone. 

10. The bulbs, two large bodies of spongy erectile tissue. 

11. The urethral sponge, or G-spot (attached to the vaginal 
ceiling). 

12. The para-urethral glands: the female prostate glands that 
produce ejaculate. 





13. The vulvovaginal glands, which produce a small amount of 
lubricant outside of the vagina. 

14. The perineal sponge, a dense network of blood vessels that 
lies underneath the perineum. 

15. The pelvic floor muscles. 

16. The suspensory ligament and round ligament. 

17. The pudendal nerve, or genital nerve complex,* which carries 
messages up the spinal cord, between the brain and clitoris. 

18. The blood vessels, which increase blood supply to the pelvic 
area during arousal and engorge the erectile tissues, causing 
them to swell. 


*The original meaning of the Latin word pudendum is “a source of shame,” and 
so Chalker redubbed this part of the clitoral network in more positive, accurate 
tenns. Many, including this author, believe that “pudenda” is an antiquated word 
that should be left to antiquity 


Aristotle and the Poetics 
of Arousal 


O UR PRINCIPLES being established let us now discuss the 
proper structure of the Plot, since this is the first and most 
important thing.” 

Twenty-five hundred years ago, the Greek philosopher Aristotle 
delineated in his timeless work Poetics the fundamental elements of 
Greek tragedy and much of what we understand today to be the 
essence of narrative storytelling. 

Like a great work of dramatic literature, there's a structure to the 
process of arousal; a narrative that encompasses a beginning, middle, 
and end, with each element taking its natural place in the overall 
sequence of events. The parts of the clitoral network that we met in 
the preceding chapters are like actors in a drama that interact and 
make their entrances and exits according to the cues of the larger 
script. 

Aristotle emphasized the importance of plot: the call to action that 
sets into motion a series of events that unfold over time in a unified. 




organic manner; the driving force that defies chaos and governs the 
arrangement of scenes; the structure that confers order and reason 
upon the various parts and weaves them together into an organized 
whole — ’’that which has a beginning, middle, and an end. Most 
important of all is the structure of the incidents. If any one of them is 
displaced or removed, the whole will be disjointed and disturbed.” 

In the drama of arousal, body and mind are called to action, 
sexual tension develops and builds to a peak, climax occurs, and then 
relaxation ensues. Masters and Johnson called this sequence the 
“sexual response cycle,” while sex researchers Beverly Whipple and 
Barry Komisaruk called it the “orgasmic process”; each described 
the unfolding of an almost procedural series of events, with each 
successive step dependent on the satisfactory completion of the one 
that comes before it. Masters and Johnson broke down the process of 
sexual response into four stages: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, and 
Resolution. With the application of steady, rhythmic stimulation, 
each phase builds upon the last in the creation and release of sexual 
tension. 

In Part II, the section of this book dedicated to specific 
techniques, we will refer to the journey through sexual response as 
the “play process,” one that encompasses three distinct stages: 
foreplay, coreplay, and moreplay. 

With that in mind, let's move on to a synopsis of sexual response. 


A Synopsis of Female 
Sexual Response 


Act I — Foreplay: The Call to Action 

I n ACT 1 . Foreplay galvanizes the mind and body toward sexual 
response. 

• Dozens of chemicals and hormones are released into the 
bloodstream, causing a woman to become “emotionally stoned,” 
according to Theresa Crenshaw, M.D., author of The Alchemy of 
Love and Lust. 

• The flow of blood is redirected toward the pelvid area; nerve 
bivers in the genital area become excited, and rectile tissue 
begins to engorge. 

• Across the body, the skin becomes extra sensitive to touch. 

• The breasts swell in size, and stimulation of the nipples initiates 
the production of oxytocin, a hormone that creates pleasurable 
sensations throughout the genital area. 



• As blood vessels force fluid through the walls of the vagina, the 
vulvovaginal glands produce a small amount of thick fluid that 
acts as a lubricant. 

• The clitoral head emerges from its hood. 

Act II — Coreplay: Tension and Release 

• Muscle tension builds throughout the body; respiration increases, 
blood pressure goes up, and the heart beats faster. 

• The entrance to the vagina narrows while its inner depths widen 
and increase at least two inches in length. 

• The clitoral body (the shaft, legs, and bulb) stiffens, stretches, 
and elongates. 

• The spongy tissue of the clitoral cluster swells and its ridges can 
be clearly felt protruding from the vaginal ceiling. 

• The suspensory ligament tightens and causes the highly 
sensitized clitoral head to retract beneath its hood, where it will 
remain until orgasm. 

• The round ligament, positioned between the uterus and the inner 
lips, tugs on both ends, involving the uterus in the process of 
sexual response and climax. 

As coreplay continues: 

• The skin flushes; breathing deepens. 

• The heart rate soars, everything tightens in a final clench. 

• Her inner labia change color, darkening with the engorgement of 
blood. 

During the process of arousal, erectile tissue engorges with blood, 
causing the clitoral head nearly to double in size. 


Finally, all the muscular tension that has been building explodes in 
orgasm — a series of quick, rhythmic contractions. 

• The vagina walls and the pelvic floor muscles contract 
rhythmically in approximately 0.8-second intervals. 

• The sphincter muscles in the rectum also contract spasmodically 
in sync with genital contractions. In addition, the uterus contracts 
because of an influx of oxytocin. 

• These contractions produce waves of pleasure, and with some 
women the orgasm is accompanied by the ejaculation of a small 
amount of clear, alkaline fluid. 

The number of orgasmic contractions varies, anywhere from three 
to fifteen on average, although Masters and Johnson observed a 
woman who experienced a forty-three-second orgasm consisting of 
more than twenty-five successive contractions. Additionally, it's been 
observed that pregnant women sometimes experience prolonged 
orgasms because of the persistent engorgement of their genitals. 

While the orgasm originates from the genital area, it is often 
experienced and felt throughout the body. Every woman's orgasm is 
different and highly individualized. Sex researchers often refer to 
this sense of uniqueness as “orgasmic fingerprinting.” 

There's a wonderful passage in Norman Rush's novel Mortals in 
which the central character recounts his wife's description of an 


While there's no rule of thumb for the number of orgasmic 
contractions, women tend to experience six to ten contractions, 
whereas men generally have four to six. Once again, we are 
reminded of Masters and Johnson's declaration that a woman has 
“an infinitely greater capacity for sexual response than a man ever 
dreamed of.” 





orgasm, or rather, in her words, “what it feels like when you come 
really hard”: 

Well, part of what it feels like is this, that you're just a drop of 
oil on a white tablecloth, just a tiny, still drop of oil, and then 
in a flash you're expanding outward in every direction, 
evenly, turning into a stain, a little drop expanding into a 
bright stain that covers the universe, the process of that, the 
expanding . . . that's part of it. 


T here we have it in a nutshell: the narrative process of arousal. 

Even though the structure is universal, every story is unique. 
How it plays out has everything to do with the characters involved. 
Sometimes the story might unfold in a matter of minutes; other times 
it may take hours. In the Poetics, the only rule is that the action must 
occur “in a manner uninterrupted,” and take place within a twenty- 
four hour period. As Aristotle observed, “A beautiful object, whether 
it be a living organism or any whole composed of parts, must not 
only have an orderly arrangement of parts, but must also be of a 
certain magnitude; for beauty depends on magnitude and order.” 


Act III — Moreplay: The Return to Balance 


After orgasm is the resolution phase, a return to calm and the 
prearoused state. Men and women differ strikingly in this phase, with 
the former losing their erections quickly and entering into what's 
known as a refractory period, an interval of time that needs to pass 
before he can get an erection again. 

With women, it takes longer for the genitals to return to their 
normal state, at least five to ten minutes. Women tend not to get 
sleepy, their genitals don't become hypersensitive (except the clitoral 
head), and they don't experience a refractory period — with a little 
stimulation they're ready to begin the process all over again. 

The difference between how and men and women experience the 
resolution phase is what I call the “snuggle gap”: women want more 
interaction; men want to roll over and go to sleep. While much 
literature has been devoted to the “insensitivity” of men and the 
“neediness” of women in this respect, it's far more effective to 
understand that the snuggle gap is largely the result of biology (men 
crash quickly after sex, women come down slowly), so don't 
overanalyze, or get angry and pick a fight; instead, respect each 
other's differences and compromise: fall asleep while holding her in 
your arms. 



Scent and Sensibility 


C UNNILINGUS, perhaps more than any other expression of 
sexuality, falls prey to the “yes, but” syndrome: YES, both men 
and women appear on balance to enjoy giving and receiving 
respectively, BUT not, it seems, without reservation. As noted in the 
Hite Report on Male Sexuality, almost half of all men who said they 
enjoyed cunnilingus were nonetheless preoccupied with issues of 
cleanliness and hygiene; and closely associated with those concerns 
were comments that women's genitals smelled bad. A smaller 
percentage of men did not share these concerns, and an even smaller 
group of aficionados claimed to love the taste and smell. But such 
enthusiasts are in the minority. 

Rare is the man who can share Napoleon's steadfast ardor in 
savoring a woman's cassolette (the French word for perfume box and 
used colloquially to describe a woman's unique scent; the sum total 


Don't wash, I'm coming home!” (Napoleon to Josephine, on his 
way back to Paris from the front.) 


of her effluvia; her aromatic signature) and exult, free of prejudice, 
in the powerful rush of pheromones. 

But what about all of the women who — whether bombarded with 
media messages stressing the importance of feminine “freshness,” or 
worn down by “fish” jokes, or simply unacquainted with their own 
genitalia — share these preoccupations and approach their bodies with 
fear, shame, or even self-loathing? And cunnilingus, with its 
elimination of distance and its unavoidable intimacy, is often a 
lightning rod for unleashing anxiety. 

All this fuss and hullabaloo over hygiene; and yet, in reality, a 
woman's genitals are a self-cleaning system — more sanitary than 
many other parts of the body, including the mouth. One of the 
reasons a woman is often lubricated, even when she's not aroused, is 
that these secretions are part of the vagina's natural way of keeping it 
bacteria-free. As science writer Natalie Angier has written: “The 
vagina is its own ecosystem, a land of unsung symbiosis and tart 
vigor. Sure, the traditional concept of a vagina is 'It's a swamp down 
there!' but tidal pool would be more accurate: aqueous, stable, yet in 
peipetual flux.” 

At the core of this ecosystem is a sophisticated process of 
symbiosis, one in which healthy bacteria protect and ward off the 
unhealthy. It's been said that a woman's genitals are as clean as a 
fresh carton of yogurt, and this comparison is often made because the 
kind of bacteria found in yogurt, lactobacilli, are also found in a 
woman's vaginal secretions. In fact, if symbiosis is compromised and 
unhealthy, anaerobic bacteria gain an advantage, eating yogurt can 
often help to stave off infection and restore balance. 

If there is a bad smell in the genital area, the first thing worth 
paying attention to is personal hygiene. Like men, women sweat 
down there and, more often than not, showering or bathing, or even 
engaging in what the French refer to as a “tart-wash” (a quick 
freshening of the underarms and genital area) can usually help to rid 
oneself of any unwanted odors. Later, in Part II, we'll discuss how to 
eroticize these activities and incorporate hygiene into the excitement. 




However, if personal hygiene has been attended to, and an off- 
putting odor still persists, it's probably time to go to the doctor: she 
could be suffering from an infection, bacterial vaginosis, in which a 
lack of lactobacilli creates an imbalance and allows anaerobic 
bacteria to accumulate. This, according to Natalie Angier, is where 
the comparison to fish often comes into play, as these microbes 
produce trimethylamine, the same substance that gives day-old fish 
its odor. 

Gertrude Stein, a cunnilinguist in her own right, may have been 
mistaken: a rose is a rose is not always a rose. Some women are bom 
with imbalances, and might have a predisposition toward vaginosis 
and a stronger odor. In addition to eating yogurt, there are also 
antibiotic treatments that can help restore balance. 

Every woman smells and tastes different. Some are sweeter than 
others, some are a bit more pungent, still others are more neutral and 
nondescript. Sometimes the differences are subtle, other times they're 
stark. Nor will the same woman always consistently smell or taste 
the same. Lots of factors can affect smell and taste, including: diet, 
vitamin deficiencies, medication, her cycle (some women produce 
vaginal secretions that contain compounds called aliphaticacid 
chains, and may cause her scent to vary with the phase of her 
menstrual cycle), infection, hydration, alcohol, drugs, tobacco. 
Unprotected sex can also affect a woman's smell, in that sperm is 
highly alkaline and raises the pH level of the vaginal ecosystem. 

When it comes to taste and smell, and overall concerns about 
hygiene, watch out for anxiety brought about by excessive 
“fearamone” activity. It's contagious, if not downright viral. Know 
that a healthy vagina is a clean vagina. Don't let your anxiety trigger 
a vicious cycle; instead transform that nervous energy into 
enthusiasm. Enjoy and savor her unique cassolette — now there's an 
idea worth raising a glass to and toasting! 


A Question on Scent 

Question: “After five years of being monogamous and 
committed to each other during and after college, my girlfriend 
and I made a decision to break up in order to see other people. 
Before we broke up, I had never had any problem with her smell 
when I went down on her; to be honest I never even noticed it. 
But then, seven months later, we got back together and I noticed a 
distinct difference. She was more ... pungent. Eventually her 
smell returned to normal, but what happened? Could she have had 
an infection?” 

Answer: According to science writer Natalie Angier, a woman 
can contract vaginosis (an infection that affects her scent) from 
engaging in unprotected sex. As it turns out, sperm is highly 
alkaline, more than any other body fluid. When introduced during 
unprotected sex, this causes the overall pH level of the vagina to 
rise, and briefly allows unhealthy bacteria to gain advantage. 

Usually the body quickly readjusts to normal levels, especially 
when the sperm is familiar, as it is when two partners are 
committed to each other and monogamous. But if a woman has 
unprotected sex with one or more new partners, the body may not 
be able to restore balance as quickly as possible as a result of 
immunological factors. 

So in some sense, smell may be indicative of promiscuity, and 
is probably why the Kamasutra describes licentious women as 
smelling like fish. 

“In fact, the idea of pairing wine and women isn't a bad one, as 
the acidity of the vagina in health is just about that of a glass of red 
wine. This is the vagina that sings; this is the vagina with a bouquet . 
. .” (Natalie Angier) 

Cheers. 




We've Come a Long Way . . . 


O RAL SEX in America, especially cunnilingus, has come a long, 
long way. Back in the 1920s, oral sex (also known as the 
“genital kiss”) was thought to be an activity best left to the marital 
bed, and was largely deemed a special gesture, a bonus expression of 
intimacy, but not necessarily a regular part of a couple's sexual 
practices. It was definitely not a casual activity, and was usually 
thought to be something that occurred after a couple was already 
having intercourse in a committed relationship. 

So much for the Roaring Twenties. Sounds more like the Boring 
Twenties. 

Attitudes began to ease a bit in the 1940s and 1950s, with studies 
showing that oral sex was becoming more prevalent and better 
known as a technique that was especially satisfying for women. Even 
so, in a 1953 Kinsey Report, only 3 percent of younger women who 


were still virgins reported ever receiving cunnilingus. The rate was 
substantially higher among married women. 

During the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, oral sex 
evolved into an acceptable practice for all couples, whether or not 
they were married. It became particularly popular on college 
campuses, and maybe that's why to this day, according to the authors 
of Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, “Twice as many women 
who went to college have given or received oral sex as compared to 
those who did not finish high school and twice as many of those 
better-educated women had or received oral sex the last time they 
had sex.” 

Whereas men's rates of receiving oral sex peaked and leveled out 
in the 1960s, it appears that women spent the remainder of the 
twentieth century catching up, with rates steadily rising year after 
year. Today, cunnilingus is considered to be an important part of the 
arousal process, with enlightened and sexually confident women 
insisting on quid pro quo — giving according to how they receive. “If 
there has been any basic change in the script for sex between men 
and women, it is the increase in the incidence and frequency of 
fellatio and cunnilingus.” (Sex in America) 

From the conservative to the liberal, women of all stripes enjoy 
cunnilingus. In examining contemporary sexual mores, the authors of 
the 1994 Sex in America Survey (based on the National Health and 
Social Life Survey) grouped their participants into three different 
categories: traditional, relational, and recreational. 

The traditionalists were those people who maintained that their 
religious beliefs always guided their sexual behavior and believed 
that homosexuality was wrong; they also believed in restrictions on 
abortion and did not condone premarital sex, teenage sex, or 
extramarital sex. 

Relationalists believed that sex did not have to be reserved for 
marriage, but that it should be part of a loving relationship. They 
condoned premarital sex, but did not condone infidelity or sex 
without love. 



Finally, the recreationalists did not believe that sex need have 
anything to do with love, and they also opposed laws that prohibited 
the sale of pornography. 

Based on these categories, 83.6 percent of those women with a 
recreational attitude had experienced oral sex in the last year, 
followed by 73.9 percent of women who were relational, and 55.9 
percent of women with traditional views. 

If we look at the numbers in terms of age, 74.7 percent of women 
from eighteen to twenty-four received oral sex, compared with 73.7 
percent of women aged thirty to thirty- four. Women and men aged 
eighteen to thirty-nine were most likely to include cunnilingus in 
their sex lives, with 22.3 percent to 24.2 percent reporting having 
done it during their last sexual experience. Conversely, for women 
aged forty to forty-four, the rate fell to 12.6 percent. So it would 
appear that the younger you are the more likely you are to have 
experienced cunnilingus, and the more likely you are to have 
experienced it earlier in your lifetime. 

As Nancy Friday wrote of cunnilingus in her 1991 book Women 
on Top, “Women have finally come of age. Having discovered it, 
they can't get enough.” 

Nor, it seems, can men, for that matter. Happily, this adoption of 
cunnilingus as a regular part of sexual activity is not just a function 
of young women becoming more confident and assertive in their 
demand for a level playing field, but is also indicative of a shift in 
male attitudes. 

As men become more sensitive to the importance of the female 
orgasm, and recognize the unreliability of genital intercourse in 
achieving one, they increasingly incoiporate cunnilingus into their 
repertoire of sexual techniques. As Glamour magazine noted in their 
1997 feature “Good News About Your Sex Life,” “A majority of 
men say they enjoy performing oral sex,” and numerous studies 
report that men describe giving oral sex as very appealing. 

If you think it all sounds too good to be true, you're right . . . 


. . . But Proceed with 
Caution 


I F YOU GIVE or receive cunnilingus casually, in an unsafe, 
unprotected environment, you are willfully placing yourself in a 
high-risk category for the transmission and/or contraction of an STD, 
including: AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, chlamydia, 
genital warts, and hepatitis. (Men also need to worry about 
nongonococcal urethritis, whereas women should be more than a 
little concerned about pelvic inflammatory disease.) Of these 
diseases, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, nongonococcal urethritis, 
and pelvic inflammatory disease are caused by the transmission of 
bacteria and can be cured with antibiotics if caught early enough; the 
rest are viral and without cure, although in some cases the symptoms 
are treatable. These STDs are highly contagious and can be 
transmitted from vulva to mouth and vice versa. 

These days AIDS seems to gamer most of the attention, but 
according to the Sex in America Survey, “The people who are most 



likely to be infected with sexually transmitted diseases are not the 
same group who are at risk for AIDS — they are a much larger 
group.” 

That's not to say there isn't any risk of contracting or transmitting 
AIDS via cunnilingus. Vaginal secretions of women who are HIV 
positive have been found to contain small amounts of HIV (with the 
amounts rising when she is menstruating), and HIV positive men can 
also transmit the virus via cuts in the mouth. 

But unprotected cunnilingus places you at greater risk for a far 
wider array of STDs. Of those participants surveyed in the NSHLS 
survey, one in six said they had had an STD at some point in their 
lives, with a significant percentage reporting having had one in the 
last year. “To put the numbers in perspective, nearly as many said 
they had had a venereal disease in the last year as said they had been 
pregnant in the last year.” (Sex in America Survey) 

Based on the numbers, it appears that women are more likely to 
have had at least one STD at some point in their lives. They were 
twice as likely as men to have had genital warts, and more than twice 
as likely to be infected with genital herpes. Overall, 18 percent of 
women and 16 percent of men have contracted one of the nine 
sexually transmitted diseases covered in the survey, with chlamydia 
and genital warts taking the top spots, displacing the formerly more 
common gonorrhea. The authors of Sex in America emphasize that 
the higher rate of STDs in women is by no means an indication of 
higher promiscuity, but rather that “it is at least twice as easy for a 
man to infect a woman with virtually any sexually transmitted 
disease, including AIDS, than it is for a woman to infect a man.” 

Fortunately, it's possible to pinpoint the attitudes and practices 
that increase the likelihood of being at risk for an STD versus those 
that don't. “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have 
had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is 
nothing random about where the diseases strike . . . the people who 
are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have 
many sex partners.” 


If a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his 
chances of contracting an STD are about 3 percent. As the number of 
partners increases, so does the risk. With more than twenty partners, 
his risk is about 28 percent. The same rough pattern is true of 
women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5 to 35 
percent. 

It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a 
person has had, the more likely that he or she has engaged with those 
partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her 
partner falls into a similar pattern of promiscuity, thereby greatly 
increasing the risk of having come into contact with an STD. 

As it turns out, promiscuity triggers a domino effect of risky 
behaviors: “The more partners an individual has, the more likely he 
or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many 
partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual 
strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the 
influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and 
while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased 
use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher 
risks of infection.” (Sex in America Survey) 

Now you know the facts. 



Eat Right 


C UNNILINGUS MAY BE a casual activity, but that doesn't mean 
you should treat it casually. Make sure that it's part of your safe- 
sex routine. If you're engaging a new partner, communicate openly 
and candidly. Be prepared to discuss your current sex partners, 
sexual history, risky behaviors, STD status, recent activities, and 
your approach to protection. Be aware that some STDs are 
asymptomatic and may flourish undetected; so if you find yourself 
caught up in the heat of the moment, think before engaging in 
unprotected cunnilingus. Regardless of the reward, even the smallest 
act is not without risk. 

If you're uncertain or nervous, don't take the risk. It's not worth it, 
and if you don't want to avoid oral sex altogether, then at least take 
precautions through the use of barriers such as dental dams (a thin 
strip of latex that is placed over the vulva as you apply cunnilingus), 
latex gloves, or finger cots (individual plastic sheaths that workers in 
restaurants use to protect themselves from cuts). All of these safe-sex 


accessories can typically be found in drugstores, and can also be 
ordered from specialty stores such as Good Vibrations or the 
Blowfish catalog. In a pinch, even a sheet of Saran Wrap will do; just 
make sure you're using the non-microwavable kind, as the 
microwavable sort isn't impervious to bacteria. 

If all this talk of protection sounds like a bummer, there is a silver 
lining: you can definitely have oral sex that is HOT and safe! Later, 
we will specifically discuss techniques and routines that incoiporate 
safe-sex equipment into the process and do not diminish it. The first 
step is to know what you need in terms of protection, and then know 
how to use it. 

During sexual activity, a condom is usually not far from reach, 
and may typically be introduced by either partner. While condoms 
are generally accepted and prevalent in their use, the same cannot be 
said of dental dams and the accessories that make for a safe session 
of cunnilingus. Whereas a request to use a condom is SOP (Standard 
Operating Procedure) and these days doesn't make one think twice, 
the introduction of a dental dam is often attention grabbing and may 
be perceived as signaling the possibility of risk, as opposed to just 
playing it safe. Perhaps this is because condoms serve the double 
function of preventing both unwanted pregnancy and unwanted 
STDs, whereas dental dams only prevent the latter. In short, 
condoms often embody positive attributes (attentiveness and concern 
for safety), whereas a dental dam may evoke the negative perception 
of risk. Rare is the guy who's been carrying a dental dam around in 
his wallet for years, waiting for the opportunity to put it into use, and 
equally rare is the woman who's going to insist he use one. 


The truth is that women don't want a guy to use a dental dam 
because it diminishes the pleasure. So if you want to use one, you 
have to be proactive about it.” {Nick, 27) 




But for all our talk of precaution and protection, there is no 
substitute for the unfettered merging of our bodies. Like the linking 
together of two power cables to create a single flow of electricity, 
your tongue against her vulva is the conjoining of thousands of nerve 
endings, the firing of neurons, the buzzing of receptors, the ultimate 
melding of body and soul in a pulse-pounding current. Such joys are 
ultimately experienced in a trusting, committed relationship. As 
Sally Tisdale wrote: 

In the depth of sexual passion the skin of the other has the 
quality of treasure; the mundane secretions our bodies make 
are honey, manna, light. To be cut off from each other's fluid 
is a terrible thing; our fluids are meant to mingle, we long for 
this mingling that is both so outrageous and pure. 

When approaching safe sex, keep in mind what Dr. Comfort had 
to say in The New Joy of Sex, “There is no occasion for panic, or for 
losing out on the joy of sex — simply informed caution.” 


The Cunnilinguist Manifesto 


“From each according to their abilities, 
to each according to their needs.” 

— The Communist Manifesto 

“To her according to your abilities, 
from you according to her needs.” 
— The Cunnilinguist Manifesto 


T HERE'S NOTHING like strong words to rouse the hearts and 
minds of men. As we move forward into Part II and focus on 
specific oral techniques for success, think of Part I as a manifesto, a 
call to action that urges us first and foremost to: 

• Respect the female process of arousal 

• Postpone gratification in the pursuit of mutual pleasure Know 
and appreciate the clitoris in all its manifold aspects 
• Stimulate the clitoris appropriately through the entire process of 
sexual response 

• Dispense with the conventional wisdom that exalts genital 
penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure 
• Purge yourself of stereotypes, cliches, and prejudices Be patient, 
respectful, sensitive, and tender 



• Take an approach that is pleasure-oriented, not goal-oriented 
Approach each act as a unique process of giving and receiving, 
knowing and learning 

• Give of yourself seriously, generously, and wholeheartedly, even 
if your relationship is casual and impermanent 

Easier said than done. Even Karl Marx recognized that in order 
for words to become actions, the proper preconditions for success 
must be firmly in place. In the cunnilinguist revolution, we cannot 
underestimate the insidious forces of fear, shame, and ignorance. 

A woman may be deeply conflicted when it comes to receiving 
cunnilingus and the experience may be fraught with anxiety. Who 
knows for sure what emotional baggage she may carry? Take 
nothing for granted. There's an utter nakedness to cunnilingus, a 
vulnerability that we must respect and honor. She is exposing herself 
to be seen, smelled, tasted, and observed firsthand; she is permitting 
the exploration of a part of her body that she herself may find 
unfamiliar and mysterious. She may think her vulva is ugly, 
unkempt, unpredictable in its secretions, odoriferous, and strange. 
She may insist on making love in the dark, literally and figuratively. 

As cunnilinguists we need to be committed, steadfast, and 
confident in our resolve. If she senses that we're the least bit 
ambivalent, insincere, or impatient, then our efforts will be for 
naught. Only by inspiring trust will you lull her into a deeper, more 
instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition 
and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of your tongue. 

To that end, the Three Assurances of the cunnilinguist manifesto 
are as follows: 

• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she 
does. 

• There's no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to 
savor every moment. 


• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from 
the same beautiful essence. 

Communicate these Three Assurances physically and verbally; 
repeat them over and over, in every possible way; say them, show 
them: embody them. Be strong, be understanding. If she has issues, 
fears, talk your way through them. Work your way through the 
anxiety. Lead her to a breakthrough. Be one of the good guys. 

Take one small lick for man, one giant lick for womankind. 

Cunnilinguists of the world unite. The revolution is upon us. 

Viva la Vulva! 



PART 

Rules of Usage 

TWO 


A Note on the Play Process 


“Here is a perfect poem: 
to awaken a longing, to nourish it, 
to develop it, to increase it, to stimulate it — and 
to gratify it. ” 

— Balzac 


A S DISCUSSED IN PART I, cunnilingus has been traditionally 
considered an optional aspect of foreplay rather than a sexual 
act in its own right that can lead a woman through the entire process 
of sexual response. 

In relegating oral sex (as well as other important activities such as 
manual stimulation of the clitoris) to the domain of foreplay we are 
simultaneously: 

• Discounting the importance of these pleasure-oriented activities 
• Limiting their role in the overall process of arousal/sexual 
response 

• Promoting genital penetration as the centerpiece of sexual 
experience 

In doing so, we open a chasm between tongue and clitoris — one 
that often cannot be bridged by the penis. 



Additionally, the relegation of cunnilingus to foreplay reinforces 
the false idea that the tongue is best applied during the early stages of 
sexual response, when in fact the opposite is true: because of the 
heightened sensitivity of the clitoris, direct stimulation is best 
approached slowly and gradually, and is ideally preceded by a 
variety of erotic activates. 

In short, cunnilingus is not foreplay, it’s coreplay, the best 
approach for consistently applying various methods of clitoral 
stimulation; and one that, like genital penetration, requires an 
appropriate prologue of erotic activity. Hence, in our discussion of 
technique, foreplay will be considered those activities that precede 
coreplay — the sublime waltz of tongue and clitoris. 

As Aristotle noted, “A middle is only a middle when preceded by 
a beginning and followed by and end.” Whereas for men, the 
completion of the process of sexual response virually converges with 
the explosion of orgasm, it has been amply demonstrated that a 
woman, upon climaxing, requires greater period of time to return to 
the prearoused state; hence, the importance of moreplay. 

And so there we have it, the play process: forplay, coreplay, and 
moreplay— taken as a whole, the makings of great sexual drama. 

Time to put on a show. 


Foreplay: A Lexicon of 
Relevant Terms 


A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ” 

— Euripides 

“Do not take shortcuts at the cost of clarity. ” 
— Elements of Style 


A nticipation: Create a strong sense of expectation. A little 
goes a long way: a hot, hushed phone call from work, a 
furtive whisper over dinner, a glancing touch on the nape of the 
neck. The smallest of gestures can imbue the banal with erotic 
energy and electrify the mundane. 

Avoid: During foreplay avoid direct contact with her genitals for 
a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her 
body; let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her bloodstream. 
Save the genital kiss for last, as the first kiss upon the vulva is the 
threshold between foreplay and coreplay. 

Awareness: Stay attuned to the nuances of sexual response; don't 
lose your focus, or let the process slip away from you. Every 
moment builds continuously on the last to create a seamless 
experience. Remember what Aristotle said, “Most important of all is 



the structure of the incidents. If any one of them is displaced or 
removed, the whole will be disjointed and disturbed.” 

Bath: Cleanliness is an important part of any sexual encounter, 
but particularly in respect to cunnilingus. Squeamishness regarding 
genital hygiene is the number one reservation that men level against 
cunnilingus, and is also a source of anxiety for women who worry 
that their partners may be wary. Incorporate a shared bath or shower 
into foreplay. Channel the anxiety into a romantic event. 

Beard: Unless you have a full, soft beard, consider shaving, as 
stubble can irritate her vulva, inner thighs, and other sensitive areas. 

Body, hers: Keep in mind that skin is our largest sexual organ, 
and the entire body, from head to toe, is one big erogenous zone. 
This is especially true of women, as the female body is generally 
smaller than the male and the same numbers of nerves are 
consequently dispersed across a smaller surface area; hence the 
number of sensitive receptors is proportionally larger on the female 
body. Second, the female skin is generally thinner and less hairy than 
the male, so sensations are more clearly felt. Sex researchers have 
observed that some women can reach orgasm by simply having their 
eyebrows stroked or their earlobes kissed. As Voltaire wrote, “Love 
is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.” 

Breasts: While there is indeed a biological basis for the pleasure 
connection between breasts and vulva in the form of oxytocin — a 
chemical that heightens our sensitivity to touch and is released in her 
genital area when the breasts are stimulated — numerous studies 
reveal that breast contact stimulates men way more than it does 
women. In a Kinsey study of female sexual response, only 1 1 percent 
of the eight thousand women surveyed said that they stroked their 
breasts during masturbation (compared to 84 percent who stroked 
their clitoris or labia minora). So it stands to reason that when it 
comes to her breasts, a significant component of her pleasure is the 
enjoyment of yours. Every woman is different regarding the breast 
sensitivity, so err on the side of tenderness and look for feedback. As 
one of this author's interviewees put it, “Savor, don't suckle.” 


Breath, bad: In all this fuss about hygiene, don't forget about 
your own, particularly oral, as there are more bacteria in the mouth 
than in the vagina. Rather than brushing your teeth, which could 
cause cuts and sores and raise the risk of spreading or contracting an 
STD, simply rinse well with a mild mouthwash. Stay away from 
floss prior to sexual activity for the same reasons. 

Breathing, hers: Most men think of vaginal wetness as the most 
reliable indicator of a woman's level of arousal; and while there is in 
deed a strong correlation between lubrication and sexual response, 
she may or may not be wet for reasons that have nothing to do with 
her level of sexual excitement. Breathing, on the other hand, is an 1 
oft-neglected indicator. As she gets more aroused, look for the 
commensurate changes in her breathing, and tightening of the 
abdominal muscles. 

Candles: Men and women differ when it comes to their attitudes 
about doing it with the lights on. Like Hemingway, men often enjoy 
“a clean, well-lighted place” in which to practice and observe their 
craft, whereas women seem to prefer the cover of dark. Compromise 
with candlelight. 

Communication: Keep all channels open throughout the process, 
verbal and physical; maintain a persistent feedback loop of 
stimulation and response. According to Sex: A Man’s Guide, “In a 
Redbook magazine survey of 100,000 married women, the strongest 
indicator of sexual and marital satisfaction among them was the 
ability to express sexual feelings to their husbands. The more they 
talked, the better they rated their sex lives, their marriages and their 
overall happiness.” Let each other know what works, as well as what 
doesn't. Be positive and constructive; criticism, expressed harshly, is 
often the death of sex. 

Fantasies: So potent is the power of the imagination that some 
women are actually able to fantasize themselves to orgasm, without 
any physical stimulation at all. Studies reveal that men and women 
fantasize differently. In general, women tend to fantasize in ways 
that are more situational and narrative, whereas men's fantasies tend 



to focus on specific physical and graphical elements of sexual 
encounters. 

In terms of subject matter, there is overlap between men and 
women, with common fantasies including: multiple partners, soft 
bondage, anal play, cheating, watching others voyeuristic ally, and 
having sex in public places. 

Fantasize, together: Take a page from The Thousand and One 
Nights and incorporate a story into foreplay. If you're not a born 
storyteller, try reading one aloud together. Some literary 
recommendations: James Salter's erotic masterpiece, A Sport and a 
Pastime; Anais Nin’s collections of short stories Delta of Venus and 
Little Birds; the erotic novels Emanuelle by Emanuelle Arsan and 
Story of O by Pauline Reage; Harold Brodkey's sexual saga 
“Innocence” — perhaps the greatest depiction of a session of 
cunnilingus ever penned; novels by Jerzy Kosinski such as Passion 
Play and Cockpit; Henry Miller's Under the Roofs of Paris and Quiet 
Days in Clichy; My Secret Life by Anonymous and The Pure and the 
Impure by Colette; Nancy Friday's anthology of fantasies, Secret 
Garden (filled with the correspondence of real people's fantasies); 
stories from The Mammoth Book of Erotica or one of the many erotic 
anthologies edited by Susie Bright. For those with a taste for poetry, 
try Les Fleurs du Mai (Flowers of Evil) by Charles Baudelaire or 
Flesh Unlimited by Guillaume Apollinaire. And for those who like 
comic books (kinky ones, that is), try the extra-hot works of 
writer/illustrator Eric Stanton, who specializes in female-domination 
fantasies. 

Fantasize, separately: Keep in mind that there are those 
fantasies we share aloud, and others we keep to ourselves. Respect 
each other's privacy, and never be threatened by what's in her 
imagination. According to the authors of Sex: A Man’s Guide, studies 
reveal that about 85 percent of both men and women have sexual 
fantasies during sexual intercourse some of the time. The authors go 
on to cite a study by Harold Feitenberg, Ph.D., in which he 
concludes that people who fantasize during sex feel a greater level of 


sexual satisfaction and have fewer sexual problems in their 
relationships even if the person about whom they fantasize is 
different from the person they have a relationship with. 

“At times I find it's harder to talk about my fantasies than my 
actual sexual experience. What I do sexually is the product of many 
factors, not all of them sexually motivated. But what I imagine doing 
is pure — pure in the sense that the image comes wholly from within, 
from the soil of the subconscious. The land of the fantasy is the land 
of the not-done and wished for.” (Tisdale) 

Fantasy vs. Reality: Note the difference between sharing a 
fantasy and acting one out. The former is harmless and exploratory; 
the latter can often lead to unforeseen consequences unless discussed 
and properly understood by everyone concerned. This is even truer 
when a fantasy is taken out of the bedroom. The sex we have in our 
lives — familiar, repetitious — is usually very different from the sex 
we have in our fantasies — exaggerated, taboo — and perhaps that's the 
point. Think twice before taking fantasies out of the bedroom, and 
know that a rich inner life contributes to a healthy, happy outer one. 
As one interviewee commented, “Even if I wanted to live out my 
fantasies, it's impossible. I'd need a time machine and a spaceship.” 

Fellatio: One of her greatest sources of pleasure will be to 
pleasure you, and there's no better way for her to do so than with 
some generous oral attention. Just don't get too carried away. 
Numerous surveys note that men enjoy fellatio as much as, if not 
more than, intercourse, and that it's the easiest way for a woman to 
stimulate a man to orgasm. Receiving head is not permission to 
climax. As Dr. Comfort wrote in The New Toy of Sex, “A few men 
can't take even the shortest genital kiss before ejaculating.” So if 
fellatio is something you love and must have, then go for a “light 
snack” during foreplay and put in your request for prolonged 
attention after coreplay. 

Fingers, stimulation: Once she's aroused — her body awoken and 
sensitized by your attention — manual stimulation of her vulva will 
prove to be the piece de resistance of foreplay; plan on taking ample 



time to deploy just the right combination of pressure, motion, and 
rhythm. 

Before you get going, you might want to moisten your hands with 
some lubricant (see Lubricant for the ins and outs of choosing the 
right one), although at this point her natural moisture should be in 
steady flow. Also, make sure your fingernails are clipped, as they 
can irritate her genital area, as well as cause small scratches and cuts. 
For step-by-step instructions and illustrations on how to use your 
fingers like a virtuoso, see the Appendix. 

Hair, pubic: When it comes to hair care, guys care. Some men 
love it and can't get enough of it; all they want to do is rub their 
noses in it and take in the full aroma of a woman's scent. Others 
prefer a neatly trimmed coif; still others enjoy the thin strip of a 
Mohawk or the sleek, bald pate of a naked vulva — what the Chinese 
refer to as “the White Tiger.” Ultimately, it's her decision. 
Remember that; respect it. Some women don't want the hassle of 
having to attend to yet another aspect of their appearance, and 
anything beyond a mild trim is going to involve discomfort, itching, 
and perhaps even pain. 

Kissing: As Shelley wrote, “Soul meets soul on lovers' lips.” A 
kiss is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any 
reaction, both are transformed. A kiss is a unique and versatile 
expression of the soul. A kiss can be playful, patient, and coy; or 
ravenous, forceful, and violent. According to the teachings of Tantra, 
a woman's upper lip is considered one of the most erogenous areas 
on her body because of a special nerve that connects it to the clitoris, 
and is said to channel erotic energy. Like language itself, there is 
virtually no emotion that cannot be expressed with a kiss. 
Cunnilingus is simply the art of extending a kiss into a complete act 
of lovemaking. 

Language: “All the fun's in how you say a thing,” wrote Robert 
Frost, and this couldn't be truer than when applied to sex play. 
According to a survey in Men's Fitness magazine, over 90 percent of 
men love it when their partners talk dirty to them. So if you tend to 


be the quiet type in bed, untie your tongue and verbalize your erotic 
feelings. 

But pick your words wisely, and remember what Mark Twain had 
to say in this regard: “The difference between the right word and the 
nearly right word is the same as that between lightning and the 
lightning bug.” The same is true of “turnoff’ and “tum-on,” so make 
sure your choice of words has the latter effect, not the former. 

When searching for the right words, remember what Elements of 

Style had to say, All writers, by the way they use language, reveal 
something of their spirits, their habits, their capacities and their 
biases.” 

Lingerie: Appreciate before proceeding to rip, tear, and ravish. 
Unlike guys, whose capacity for creativity in the area of underwear 
selection rarely extends beyond deciding between boxers or briefs, 
women often apply considerable resources — physical, creative, 
financial — in order to be well diversified in this department. As one 
interviewee commented, “Who the hell does he think he is, Conan he 
Barbarian? He tore through my panties with his teeth. Excuse me, 
but those were fifty-dollar La Perla!” 

Lubricant, artificial: There's an old Malagasy proverb, “Let 
your love be like the misty rain, coming softly, hut flooding the 
river.” But if your partner doesn't lubricate consistently, easily, or at 
all, don't take it personally. In a 1994 Sex in America Survey, 20 
percent of omen complained of trouble lubricating when engaging in 
sexual activity. 

In terms of cunnilingus, artificial lubricant is neither as important 
nor as indispensable as it is during genital intercourse. As Dr. 
Comfort noted in The New Joy of Sex, “The best sexual lubricant is 
saliva” and it's usually in ample supply during cunnilingus. But even 
he mouth grows dry at times, so it never hurts to have some lubricant 
close at hand. 

In selecting a lubricant, read the ingredients carefully and stay 
away from those that are oil-based and contain chemicals such 
nonoxynol-9, a commonly used spermicidal that tastes awful, and 



can bum and lead to infection. Also, stay away from jellies, such as 
K-Y, that are greasy and heavy. Best to choose a water-based 
product that has few ingredients. Astroglide is a common favorite, 
and has amed the reputation of its tagline, “second only to nature.” 
There's no shortage of choices, so enjoy the process of selection. 

Massage, foot: One of the most underestimated and underutilized 
forms of erotic stimulation, a good solid foot massage floods the 
bloodstream with endoiphins and energizes the entire body. No need 
to worry about not being a professional masseur, just maintain 
persistent contact between hand and foot, massaging one foot at a 
time with both hands. Work the whole foot: the sole, ball, ankle, and 
toe joints before going to the other one. Feel free to kiss her toes. 
Some women won't be able to stand it, while others will experience 
the heights of pleasure. 

Masturbation: Sex researchers Masters and Johnson gathered 
much of their information about female sexual response by watching 
women masturbate. Take note: they consistently observed that 
women focused their manual stimulation on the clitoral head, as well 
as the shaft, mons pubis, and inner and outer labia. Because of the 
heightened sensitivity of the head, most women stimulated it at the 
peak of arousal, and avoided direct contact immediately subsequent 
to orgasm. Dr. Kinsey found that 95 percent of the women he studied 
climaxed far more often through masturbation than during genital 
penetration. This observation was corroborated by Masters and 
Johnson, who found that over 90 percent of women were able to 
experience an orgasm through masturbation. 

Although Masters and Johnson observed consistencies in how 
women masturbated, they also emphasized that no two women 
masturbated in exactly the same way. 

Masturbation, shared: Not necessarily for her eves only, but an 
opportunity to observe a woman's unique way of consistently 
bringing herself to climax — something clearly worth studying. But 
remember: even though masturbation is a common, often shared 
experience, it's still as close to taboo as you can get these days. In his 


book Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation, Thomas 
Laqueur, a history professor at the University of California, 
Berkeley, writes, “In general, masturbation is that rare thing in 
modem talk about sexuality: something best left unspoken and so 
discomfiting that it can only be broached as a joke.” 

If she's never masturbated in front of you, create an environment 
of intimacy and trust. Most important, let her know that it's 
something you want her to do because it turns you on and because 
you want to leam more about how to please her. 

Regardless of the hurdles, it will improve your sex life when you 
are comfortable sharing the act of masturbation with each other. It 
will not only prove erotically stimulating, but masturbation will also 
serve as a reliable fallback for those times when, for one reason or 
another, sexual activity does not lead her to orgasm and she needs to 
take matters into her own hands. 

Music: Use it to enhance the mood, not kill it. Find music that 
lulls you both into a deeper zone of letting go, music that helps you 
synchronize yourselves into a mutual sense of rhythm and pacing. 
The right choice can really stimulate the senses; the wrong choice 
can shut them down. One interviewee commented that she likes to 
play Ravel's Bolero during sex as “it both captures and stimulates the 
process of arousal — the way the tension builds slowly, repetitiously, 
subliminally encouraging my boyfriend to slow down and wait until 
it all builds to a crescendo.” Yet another woman commented, “This 
may sound weird, but I love to listen to whale music when a guy 
goes down on me. I have all these bizarre underwater fantasies. 
Sometimes I even imagine that I'm the female whale and that I'm 
being called by the male whale, with his like, what, fifty-foot cock.” 

Orgasms, multiple: Oftentimes a woman will experience an 
orgasm during foreplay, particularly if ample stimulation has been 
effectively applied. While all women have the innate biological 
capacity for multiple orgasms, not all have experienced them and 
many might be unaware of their inherent potential. If she climaxes 
during foreplay, transition for a few minutes into a milder form of 



stimulation such as kissing and hugging before moving into core- 
play. This shift in activity is particularly essential if her orgasm was 
the result of manual stimulation of the clitoris, as the clitoral head is 
particularly sensitive to touch following orgasm. Let her cool down, 
but keep her warm and sexualized by focusing your attention on 
other parts of her body. After this brief interval, you will be able to 
return to direct stimulation of her vulva and get ready for her next 
orgasm. 

Penetration: If cunnilingus is coreplay, then it's possible to think 
of genital penetration as an aspect of part of foreplay. In the standard 
missionary position — you on top, her beneath you — use the tip of 
your penis to barely penetrate her vaginal entrance. Let your penis 
rest just inside her. (If you're uncomfortable in the missionary 
position, then simply kneel or sit in front of her vulva.) Linger. 
Loiter. Meander. Stay close to the entrance. Press your thumb against 
her clitoral head and gently flick it from side to side as you penetrate 
her with short shallow thrusts. Or press the shaft of your penis 
against her clitoris and then gently thrust between the folds of her 
labia without ever entering her. Or she can perform Kegels (the 
squeezing of her pelvic muscles) while you, ever so slowly, penetrate 
her. Really take the time to feel her pelvic muscles contract against 
your penis as you slowly withdraw. 

Porn: Specifically, films. We know they turn on men; lesser 
known is that they can also play a role in stimulating women. 
According to the book Total Sex, a recent survey of five-hundred 
video-store owners revealed that female customers help to choose at 
least 25 percent of all adult-video rentals. Such enthusiasm is a 
double-edged sword — on the one hand, it's comforting to know that 
men and women share this predilection for cinematic stimulation; on 
the other hand, the vast majority of pom films are male-oriented. For 
a change of pace, check out films specifically designed to appeal to 
women by directors such as Candida Royalle, a former adult film 
star who ventured out on her own to produce and direct under the 
banner Femme Productions. Not surprisingly, these films rely more 


heavily on elements such as plot and character, feature lots of 
foreplay, and are much more illuminating about the sorts of sexual 
activities that women actually enjoy. And unlike male-oriented films, 
the sex is actually integrated into the story line. Shakespeare would 
surely have appreciated these female-oriented dramas more than 
their male-oriented counterparts, in that at least they make an effort 
to “suit the action to the word and word to action” while “holding a 
mirror up to nature.” 

Style: Don't be a show-off. As written in Elements of Style, “The 
beginner should approach style warily, realizing that it is an 
expression of self, and should turn resolutely away from all devices 
that are popularly believed to indicate style — all mannerisms, tricks, 
adornments. The approach to style is by way of plainness, simplicity, 
orderliness, sincerity.” 

Holds true for experts as well. 

Ties: The kind that bind. Restraining a lover during sexual 
activity is a popular fantasy, and one that, unlike some others, is 
easily realized, and erotically rewarding. When approached safely as 
a lighthearted, playful activity, restraint is a tun, guilt-free way of 
acting out dominance roles and expressing healthy sexual aggression. 
It stimulates her body by allowing her to flex her muscles more 
intensely than when unrestrained; it also stimulates her mind by 
allowing her to surrender to pleasure and act out in ways that might 
normally make her feel awkward or shy. It also encourages you to 
take your time and lavish her with attention as she submits to your 
teasing. From constraint comes creativity. If you're new to this topic, 
err on the side of caution and peruse the pointers in the Appendix 
before proceeding. 

Time: Take lots of it. As Ovid wrote, “Love's climax should 
never be rushed I say / But worked up slowly, lingering all the way.” 



Introducing Coreplay 


“Proper words in their proper place make 
the true definition of a style.” 

— Jonathan Swift 


A LTHOUGH IT'S IMPERATIVE that the play process unfold 
seamlessly from beginning to end, without interruption, it is 
nonetheless useful, in discussion, to break the process down into 
substages, especially as they help to illuminate coreplay — the 
substantive phase in which sexual tension builds, culminates and 
then releases itself through the female orgasm. 

Therefore, we will discuss coreplay in terms of six distinct stages 
that are easy to understand: 

• Stage 1: in which we transition from foreplay to coreplay with 
the application of the first clitoral kiss 
• Stage 2: in which we establish rhythm and acclimate the clitoris 
to the persistent attentions of the tongue 


• Stage 3: in which we continue to build tension by focusing more 
of our energies on the clitoral head, as well as introducing 
appropriate manual stimulation 

• Stage 4: in which we hypercharge the process of sexual response 
and escalate her level of arousal by internally stimulating the 
“clitoral cluster” in combination with the clitoral head 

• Stage 5: preorgasm, in which we maintain the optimum balance 
of rhythm and pressure as she approaches orgasm Stage 6: 
Orgasm, in which we maximize the number of pelvic 
contractions and help her to realize the full potential of her 
climax 

In abbreviated terms, think of these stages as a straightforward 
process that encompasses: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; 
building tension; escalating the action; preorgasm and orgasm. 

Going forward, we will dedicate our attention to a more thorough 
discussion of these six substages of coreplay, explore related topics 
that arise throughout the process of female sexual response, and 
break down an array of techniques that will keep the action going. 

But first, before we do anything, let's make sure we're in the right 
position . . . 



First, the Wrong Way 


Form Follows Function: 
Getting into Position 


B EFORE GOING DOWN on a woman, make sure to position 
yourself for maximum performance. Bad form is often the 
difference between success and failure. Pom films would have us 
believe that any position is the right position: up against the wall, on 
top of a table, hanging off the bed, hanging off the rafters — the 
wilder the better. But it should come as no surprise that with titles 
like Hannah Does Her Sisters or Titty Titty Bang Bang, the pom 
industry, in general, shies away from the lofty aesthetics of cinema 
verite. 

First and foremost, expert cunnilingus needs to be delivered from 
a position that enables the giver to comfortably apply persistent, 
rhythmic pressure over time while the receiver relaxes into the 
nuances of arousal. Not surprisingly, one of the main reasons why 
men say they don't perform cunnilingus more often is the physical 
strain — in short, the pain of being in the wrong position. So if your 
attitude toward cunnilingus is “no pain, no gain,” the sentiment is 
appreciated, but entirely unnecessary. 


There are a few positions, better suited to pom films than to 
prolonged clitoral stimulation, that have nonetheless become widely, 
and wrongly, disseminated into the mainstream. At best they serve as 
spicy embellishments to a session of cunnilingus; at worst they can 
seriously undermine the entire experience. These popular positions 
include 69'ing, SOMF (Sit on My Face), and Tip Against the Wall, 
among others. 

69'ing 

Of the three positions mentioned, 69'ing, in which man and woman 
service each other simultaneously, is probably the most prevalent 
and also the most problematic: 

• In the 69 position, you are endeavoring to provide stimulation 
from the wrong point of attack. Rather than approaching her 
vulva from the south (bottom up), you're coming in from the 
north (top down). Regardless of who's on top, you'll have little 
use of your hands and it will be difficult to use your tongue to 
comfortably service the major parts of her clitoris. As author and 
sex columnist Anka Radakovich writes of the position: 
“Working out the logistics of fitting mouths on orifices and 
protrusions while adjusting to the rhythm is like playing a game 
of Naked Twister.” 

• If you're giving while simultaneously receiving, it's highly 
unlikely that you'll be able to focus on the application of 
measured, evenhanded clitoral stimulation. There's even a 
chance that you'll get caught up in the moment and allow 
yourself to lose control. 

• Finally, the position cannot be comfortably sustained at length, 
nor can she fully relax and concentrate on the nuances of arousal. 
The fact is, when it comes to oral sex, it's best for one partner to 



focus on giving while the other focuses on receiving — both are 
extremely pleasurable and best kept pure. 

In short, 69'ing is a novelty act. That's not to say it isn't an 
exciting position, or a compelling means of enabling her to enjoy the 
pleasure of pleasuring you, but such joys are best experienced during 
foreplay — not coreplay. 

When 69'ing during foreplay, make sure you don't waste your 
best tongue strokes: save them for coreplay. The first kiss upon her 
vulva should take her breath away, so don't diminish the sense of 
anticipation. Instead, kiss the areas around the vulva rather than the 
clitoris. Use your lips, not your tongue. Smooch. Nibble. But stay 
away from the clitoral head. Turn the position into one of strength; 
use it as a way of teasing her to greater heights. 

SOMF (Sit on My Face) 

The same can be said of SOMF, a position that provides you with 
better access to her vulva than 69'ing but significantly hinders the use 
of your hands and fingers — a trade-off without much real gain. 
Sitting on your face (really kneeling around your face) forces her 
into an upright position and places undue stress on her back and legs. 
In this position, it's highly unlikely she'll get very far in the process 
of sexual response; however, it can prove erotically stimulating by 
providing her with a sense of dominance, and might be good for a hit 
of fun. 

Up Against the Wall 

In Up Against the Wall she literally stands against a wall while you 
kneel down before her. Although it's unlikely that she'll reach 
orgasm from this position, with a wall to provide support it's easier to 
lead her through several stages of arousal. Up Against the Wall has 
all the rough passion of a “quickie,” but without the male ejaculation 
that often accompanies the genital version of this position. 


All three of these positions-69'ing, SOMF, and Up Against the 
Wall — are useful in that they provide erotic stimulation and often 
heighten the drama of the moment. In fact, with a little help from 
your imagination, there's no limit to the number of creative positions 
that can be devised and put to the test — one hook I came across 
actually recommends going down on a woman while she stands on 
her head with her legs wrapped around your neck. Use these 
positions during foreplay to accelerate the process of arousal into 
coreplay, but don't mistake them for the ones that enable the 
application of serious clitoral stimulation to the point of no return. So 
much for the wrong way . . . 

Now the Right Way 

Her Body 

• She should start flat on her back, legs spread comfortably apart, 
but not too far (six to nine inches at most) and a bit bent at the 
knee. As a rule, her legs should always be closer together than 
farther apart, as she needs the full command of her pelvic 
muscles. She should be completely at ease and relaxed: able to 
focus on the pleasure she's receiving without any distraction — 
physical or mental. 

• Pay attention to the arch of her back. Once again, we get the idea 
from pom that when a woman is turned on she naturally arches 
her back upward, throws back her head, and points her breasts 
and neck up and out. This position, while titillating, is what the 
famous sexologist Wilhelm Reich referred to as the “hysterical 
arch.” Not only is it highly unnatural, but the position also cuts 
off blood flow to the pelvic area, hampers breathing, and inhibits 
the process of sexual response. When a woman is aroused and 
comfortable, her back will find itself flat, without an arch, and 
her genitals will be tilted slightly up toward your mouth, rather 



than driving downward — in short, the opposite of what we see in 
porn. To help her achieve this naturally comfortable position, 
prop a pillow or two behind her neck and shoulders. 

• A pillow propped under her butt will help with blood flow to the 
pelvic region, as well as provide you with better access to her 
genitalia, making it easier for you to connect “lips” and alleviate 
stress to your neck. 

Your Body 

It's important that you have enough space to stretch out and be 
comfortable — so you'll probably have to push her up toward the head 
of the bed. (If you're both on the floor — also a great place for a 
session of cunnilingus in that the floor provides a solid flat surface — 
just make sure there's some sort of cushioning beneath her, be it a 
soft rug or plush quilt.) 

Place a pillow beneath your forearms and get your “working hands” 
as comfortable and close as possible to her vulva. 

Position yourself vertically from her vagina. Other than the narrow 
flaring of her legs, your bodies, taken together, should form a 
straight line. 

All in all, you should feel perfectly at ease adopting a wide range of 
motions: licking for long periods of time, sliding your hands 
underneath her butt, lifting her legs and rocking her to and fro, 
placing a hand on her stomach, turning her body from side to side. 


Your Head 

• They don't call it “giving head” for nothing. Cunnilingus 
involves more than just the use of your tongue. You need to get 
your whole face in there. Your nose should be buried lightly in 
her mound, with your upper lip and mustache area resting firmly 
against the front edge of her pubic bone. Y ou should be able to 
easily use your upper lip and gum to provide light pressure 
against her front commissure, the area just above the clitoral 
head where her outer lips meet. 

• As for your tongue, it should easily be able to rest against her 
vaginal entrance and cover its entire expanse from top to bottom. 
This position enables you to apply a full range of motion with 
your tongue: from long vigorous licks to deft persistent flicks, 
from keeping it flat and still to applying focused tongue-tip 
pressure. 

• All in all, you should be completely involved with her vulva; on 
top of it, buried in it: face, mouth, nose, gums, teeth, and 
tongue — all of which will be employed one way or another. If a 
filmmaker were capturing the event, very little would be seen 
beyond the still back of your head. Certainly, there would be 
few, if any, flashes of tongue. 


If you grapple with a form of sexual dysfunction, namely 
premature ejaculation or erectile disorder (also known as 
impotence), go to the Appendix, where you'll find specific body 
positions geared to help you turn your weaknesses into strengths. 





Taken Together 

Don't settle for anything less than total comfort and total access. 
You'll know you're both in the right position when she's able to 
comfortably look down the length of her body and watch you work, 
and you're able to look up, without breaking the flow of action, and 
make eye contact with her. 

When it comes to cunnilingus and body position, remember that 
form follows function. Keep your mind focused on providing her 
with pleasure, and the body will naturally follow your lead. 


Head Position 



Let's Review 

In this chapter we discussed the importance of getting off to a good 
start by being in the right position. Make sure you're comfortable and 
relaxed. Avoid novelty positions that restrict the use of your hands 
and fingers and might also cut off the flow of blood to her pelvic 
area or inhibit the process of sexual response. Find positions that 
enable you to optimally exploit your respective roles of giver and 


receiver. 





A Quick Refresher of the Top Ten 
Hot Spots in the Clitoral Network 


A S WE VEER into coreplay, let's quickly review the areas of the 
clitoral network that are going to command our attention, as 
well as the types of stimulation to which they're best suited. (This is 
a great time to refer back to the diagrams of the clitoral network in 
Part I and use them as a visual reference.) Don't get overwhelmed by 
the numerous the parts of the clitoris. It may seem like a lot to take in 
at first, but a little effort goes a long, long way. Trust me: as we go 
through the various techniques, the “geography of arousal” will 
become second nature and you'll know a “frenulum” from a “front 
commissure” in no time. And take heart: simply knowing “what's 
what” in the clitoral network already places you at the head of the 
class. 

1. Gians (visible), also known as the head or crown and colloquially 
as the clit, the button, the jewel, etc. With more than eight thousand 
nerve endings dedicated to pleasure, the glans lends truth to the 


phrase “big things come in small packages.” So sensitive is the glans 
to stimulation that a hood, also known as the prepuce, protects it 
during peak stimulation. Both the clitoral head and its protective 
hood respond to gentle, rhythmic tongue strokes as well as firmer 
pressure once she's well into the process of arousal. 

2. Clitoral cluster (hidden) includes what is typically referred to as 
the G-spot, but to call this sensitive expanse a spot is a misnomer. 
Located atop the vaginal ceiling — starting at the vaginal entrance and 
extending into the birth canal for roughly two inches — this area of 
spongy tissue surrounds the urethra and responds well to the firm 
pressure of a fingertip massage. Rather than focus on finding a spot, 
focus on stimulating an area. 

3. Mons pubis (external), or the pubic mound, is located just above 
the clitoral cluster. Massaging the mons pubis with the base of your 
palm stimulates the clitoral cluster from above. Think of the clitoral 
cluster as an unseen layer of nerve endings that is sandwiched 
between the mons pubis and the vaginal canal — hence your ability to 
stimulate it from above and below. 

4. Front commissure (external). The smooth area just above the 
clitoral head and protective hood, this area contains nerve fibers and 
covers the clitoral shaft (internal), a sensitive cordlike structure that 
can be seen protruding from the skin of the front commissure when 
aroused. Like the clitoral head, the front commissure/ shaft responds 
at first to tongue strokes, but, once aroused, craves the firmer 
pressure of the upper lip and gum, or a fingertip massage. 

5. Frenulum (external) is the area just below the clitoral head where 
the tops of labia minora (the inner lips) meet. This sensitive area 
responds to tongue strokes as well as firm pressure. Like the glans 
and front commissure/shaft, the frenulum plays an important role in 



sexual response. In fact, taken together, these three visible parts of 
the clitoris are responsible for the lion's share of pleasure. 

6. Labia minora (external), also known as the little lips or the inner 
lips, they swell to nearly double their size when engorged with blood 
during arousal and respond best to tongue strokes, gentle nibbles, 
and playful fingertip pinches. 

7. Vaginal entrance (external) contains the remnants of the hymen 
and, when amply aroused and lubricated, responds best to slow, long 
licks and gentle fingertip tickles. 

8. Fourchette (external) is the area located at the base of the vaginal 
entrance where the bottoms of the labia minora converge, and 
responds best to tongue strokes and gentle fingertip tickles that just 
graze the vaginal entrance. 

9. Perineum (external) is the expanse of skin between the fourchette 
and anus and is filled with spongy erectile tissue that connects the 
anus to the clitoral network and lines the base of the vagina. This 
area responds well to tongue strokes, fingertip pressure, and fingertip 
squeezes (thumb and index finger) that stimulate it from both sides 
(internal and external). 

10. Anus (external). Lined with tissue and muscle that connects it to 
the clitoral network, the anus participates in the process of sexual 
response and, like the pelvic muscles, contracts repeatedly during 
orgasm. This area responds well to fingertip pressure, fingertip 
insertion, and tongue strokes, but also contains bacteria that should 
be prevented from commingling with other parts of the vulva. 


A “Sensitive” Question 

Question: “My girlfriend says she doesn't like cunnilingus because it 
hurts. I don't get it. How can it hurt? I went down on her once and 
now she won't let me do it again. What did 1 do wrong?” 

(Steve, 32) 

Answer: You may have been too rough, or overzealous, without 
even realizing it. Ask her if you can try again, and assure her that this 
time you'll be gentle. Let her know that you'll stop immediately if 
she says the word. Remember that the clitoral head is extremely 
sensitive, and many women cannot bear even the slightest contact — 
particularly at the start of a cunnilingus session. 

Going forward, be as gentle as possible and avoid direct contact 
with the head until she's amply aroused. Focus on her labia and 
vaginal entrance; pay attention to her perineum. Don't forget about 
her front commissure and frenulum, the area just above and below 
the head. Apply halfway licks instead of full licks, avoid the head 
completely. 

When you do stimulate the head for the first time, press the soft, 
wet tip of your tongue into it and then hold the position. Like a 
gentle mist, engulf the head in the moistness of your tongue. She 
might shudder from the shock, but continue to hold the position 
unless she tells you to stop. 

Let her ease into the feeling of your tongue against her clitoris. 
Stay still, let her initiate the movement; let her determine the 
appropriate amount of pressure to apply against your tongue. Let her 
lead in the dance between clitoris and tongue. 



Grand Openings: 
The First Kiss 


The Approach 

N EVER UNDERESTIMATE the power of first impressions, 
especially the impression of your lips against her vulva. The 
first kiss atop a woman's vulva is often the most exquisite of all 
possible kisses and can literally take her breath away. 

Approach the first kiss as an event, as though tasting the first sip 
of an expensive bottle of wine that you've been saving for that 
special occasion. Don't just pop off the cork and start swigging: let it 
breathe, sniff and savor the bouquet, admire the body, note the 
complexion and tone, and then, finally, take that much anticipated 
first sip. Allow yourself to appreciate the lull experience. 

• Run your fingers gently through her pubic hair. 

• Be sure to tease her amply. Kiss her softly on the inner thigh, as 
well as the smooth skin adjoining her vulva. Kiss her with little, 


succulent smacks (lips pursed, no tongue) on her inner and outer 
lips, or even on the top of the head. Make sure that your first kiss 
is less about direct contact with the clitoris and more about 
appreciating the entire genital area. 

• Breathe hotly on her vulva. 

• Blow, ever so gently, on her clitoral head. 

• If she's still wearing her panties, kiss her through them. Then 
delicately peel them to the side to reveal a glistening wet vulva. 

CAUTION: Never, under any circumstances, blow into a 
woman's vagina as though trying to fill it with air. Doing so 
is seriously dangerous. Blowing into a woman's vagina may 
cause an embolism and lead to death. Breathe on her; blow 
lightly on her; never blow into her. 

The Moment Before 

Before you move in for the first kiss, take a moment to acknowledge 
the presence of the vulva: your partner in pleasure. Prepare yourself 
mentally for the experience ahead. Remind yourself that you are 
there to lead her steadfastly through the process of sexual response to 
orgasm. 

This is a great time to remind her of the Three Assurances (see 
part I, chapter 20): 

• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she 
does. 

• There's no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to 
savor every moment. 

• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from 
the same beautiful essence. 



Like a guest arriving at a much-anticipated dinner party, let your 
hostess know how excited you are to be there, how beautiful she 
looks, and how much you're looking forward to the meal ahead. Put 
her at ease. 

Tease her, taunt her, tantalize her — make her think that she's not 
ever going to get it, ever, and then, just when she's on the brink of 
utter madness, give it to her. 

The Kiss 

Make your first lick a slow and tender “ice cream” lick from bottom 
to top. Make it long and lasting. Take it all in. 

• Start at the base of her vaginal entrance, the fourchette, and work 
your way up. 

• Take in the full length of her labia minora (inner lips) and let 
your tongue rest briefly against her frenulum, the area just under 
the clitoral head. 

• As you go over the head, brush it lightly as a feather, and then 
proceed to her front commissure (the area just above the head). 

• Push down on her commissure with the tip of your tongue and 
feel the sinewy clitoral shaft beneath it. 

• As you kiss her slowly from top to bottom, press your finger 
lightly against her perineum (the expanse of skin just below her 
vaginal entrance). 

• When you lick the full span of her vaginal entrance from top to 
bottom, place your hand atop her mons pubis and nudge it gently 
toward her abdomen. This will stretch the skin and tighten her 
vaginal entrance, enabling you to lushly encompass her sensitive 
inner labia as you lick. 

• As an alternative to the standard position, grab hold of her upper 
thighs prior to the first kiss and pivot her legs up into the air so 


that only her butt is touching the bed and her vulva is completely 
exposed. 

No matter what your approach, take it long and slow, from 
bottom to top, and savor every step of the journey. Now that you've 
lavished her with the first kiss (that long full lick), let your tongue 
rest flat against the length of her vaginal entrance. Encompass her 
vulva with your tongue. Take a moment to let the experience of the 
first kiss resonate. 

Make sure it's love at first lick. 

Before You Go, You Should Know 

Not all kisses happen in the same context. There are frequently 
extenuating circumstances. To that end, take a quick glance at the 
Appendix if you're interested in learning more about one of the 
following “scenarios”: 

• The Protected Kiss: Learn how to put your safe-sex gear to use. 

• The Scarlet Kiss: Contrary to popular opinion you can enjoy 
cunnilingus while she's menstruating and have a perfectly 
pleasurable flow-free experience. 

• The Virgin Kiss: For those men and women who are brand-new 
to the joys of cunnilingus. 

• The Pregnant Kiss: Learn how to manage the ins and outs of 
providing pleasure during a time when the release of sexual 
tension is more important than ever. 



Let's Review 


In this chapter we discussed the importance of the first kiss. Use it as 
an opportunity to express your enthusiasm about what's to come. But 
channel that excitement into a slow, tender kiss that lavishes the 
entire area of the vulva rather than just the clitoral head. Remember, 
when it comes to cunnilingus first impressions count. 


Establishing Rhythm 


A Make and Break Moment 

Y OUR FIRST KISS will leave her wanting more. It's time to 
show her that you can go the distance. Now is a make-or-break 
moment, or, as you'll soon see, a make and break moment — a critical 
juncture when many men make the mistake of sprinting for the finish 
line instead of pacing themselves to run a marathon. 

Cunnilingus is all about the balance between movement and 
stillness, the counteipoint of action and reaction. To that end, a flat 
still tongue pressed softly, later firmly, into her vulva will prove to 
be one of your most powerful positions. 

Make sure that the interval between licks is long enough to let 
each one resonate fully and completely. Like calling out her name in 
a tunnel or cave, wait until the echo has completely subsided before 
calling out once again. Later, as the momentum builds to a peak, 
action and reaction will overlap until they become virtually 
indistinguishable; but for now that’s a ways off. 



Feel your tongue against her vulva. Let your respective nerve 
endings find one another and conjoin in embrace. See and feel 
your tongue fusing with her vulva, and then . . . 

Break the contact. Your tongue should completely disconnect 
from her vulva for a split second, causing the slightest of tremors 
in her pelvis: an almost imperceptible shudder of shock from the 
loss of your tongue. Then . . . 

Make contact again. As with the first kiss, take a long, slow lick 
from bottom to top, and lushly brush against her clitoral head 
with the flat broad side of your tongue. 

Then, once again maintain a flat tongue against her vulva; don’t 
press too hard and don’t favor any one particular part. 



It's this “breaking and making” of contact between tongue and vulva 

that allows the buildup of sexual tension and will ultimately demand 

release through orgasm. 

Build a Solid Foundation 

• Get a rhythm going: long, slow lick/flat, still tongue; long, slow 
lick/flat still tongue. Each complete set should last about ten 
seconds, with five seconds on the lick and five on the flat 
embrace of tongue against vulva. 

• Repeat this pattern for about three minutes, or fifteen to twenty 
complete sets. 

Tongue Tip: As you get more familiar with the routine, use 
your hand to push up against her mons pubis for the lick 
(this tightens her vaginal entrance and brings her labia 
closer together), and then release when you lay your tongue 
flat against her vulva. 

Be Alluring 

• Now avoid the head. 

• Next, vary the routine with small halfway licks, from bottom to 
midvagina, avoiding the area of the clitoral head altogether. 

• Focus on stimulating her inner labia. This way you're not 
overexciting the head (remember how sensitive it is). You're 
teasing it, gently coaxing the head out from under its protective 
clitoral hood by switching your tongue strokes: from light, 
repetitive licks that gently graze her to deeper, halfway licks that 
now avoid her altogether. 



Literary Lick Number One 


Shakespeare wrote his plays to be performed, and there's no better 
audience for his poetry than her vulva. The great Bard not only 
inspires us, but also teaches us how to apply our tongue strokes 
rhythmically. 

Shakespeare wrote most of his plays in verse, specifically in 
iambic pentameter. “Iambic” means that there is a stress on the 
second syllable of a word, and “pentameter” tells us that a line 
has five “feet,” or clusters of two syllables, adding up to ten 
syllables in total per line. 

The rhythm of iambic pentameter is simple and 
straightforward: da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. 

Think about that rhythm as it applies to a line from 
Shakespeare: “Shall I/com-pare/thee to/a sum/mer's day?” 

Now you're ready to let your tongue take center stage. Grab 
your dusty college Shakespeare off the shelf, commit a few lines 
to memory, and then use your tongue to iambically stimulate her 
clitoris. Your performance will surely gamer a standing ovation. 


You've alerted the clitoral head to a variation in rhythm; you've 
rescinded the attention that it grew accustomed to. In this way, you 
compel the head to find you, to seek out your tongue. 

Smother Her in Love 

Now, just when the head has been lured out from under its hood in 
search of the tongue that has been denied her, give it to her — smother 
her in it. Press the soft tip of your tongue into the head. Like a wave 


washing over her, bathe the head for five seconds with your wet 
tongue. Feel her shudder with pleasure. 

Tongue Tip: As an enhancement to these routines, perform 
them with her legs in the air. Get a firm grip on her thighs 
and raise both legs so that only her butt is touching the bed. 

Lick her vulva tenderly and gingerly and note the tension in 
her legs and pelvic area as she pushes against your hands. 

This “pushing against a point of resistance” is a key element 
in developing hypertonicity — the muscular tension that 
contributes to sexual response and orgasmic release. 

Play the Numbers 

Go back to your halfway licks. Start with a set of five. 

Then, once again, bathe the head with the soft, wet tip of your 
tongue. With each complete set, increase the amount of halfway licks 
you apply by one, until you reach a total of ten. 

This routine establishes rhythm and builds sexual tension, with 
just a hint of unpredictability. Most important, this routine acclimates 
the clitoral head to oral stimulation. 


Let's Review 

1. In this chapter, we discussed the importance of establishing 
rhythm and building a solid foundation, as well as exercising 
restraint when you might be tempted to apply rough passion. 

2. After the first kiss, lick her vaginal entrance from bottom to top, 
and then rest your tongue flat against the surface of her vulva. 
Do this fifteen to twenty times. 




3. Next, lick her five times with halfway strokes, focusing on the 
labia and staying clear of the head. On the sixth stroke, finish 
the movement and press the soft tip of your tongue into her head. 

4. Repeat this patter, increasing each set of halfway licks by one 
until you get to ten. 

5. Use this routine to establish rhythm and acclimate the head to the 
attentions of your tongue. 


Developing Tension, Part I 


The Importance of Teamwork 


N OW IT'S TIME to put some real ground behind us on the road 
of arousal. So far, your tongue has been leading; but now, in the 
spirit of good old-fashioned teamwork, let's get your fingers and 
hands into the action. It's all for one and one for all. 

Think of your tongue, hands, and fingers as three members of a 
jazz trio. As with any great band, everyone has to work together in 
order to create beautiful music. 


Deft Fingers 


If, in our metaphorical trio, the tongue can be thought of as the “sax 
man,” then your fingers are behind the piano, anchoring the tongue's 



rousing solos with virtuoso rhythms. Fingers collaborate with the 
tongue to create an array of dizzying combinations. 

To begin with, let's explore the potential of a single finger and 
then later introduce more complex combinations. Use your index 
finger to: 

• Flirt with her inner lips; trace the edges with your fingertip. 
Squeeze and pinch them playfully. Acquaint your index finger 
with all the diverse parts of her vulva, and take note of her 
responses. 

• Gently stimulate her front commissure, the smooth area just 
above the clitoral head and hood. 

• Lightly tap her frenulum, the region just below her clitoral head 
and above her vaginal entrance where her labia minora (inner 
lips) meet. 

• Tease her fourchette, the area where the labia majora (outer lips) 
meet at the base of the vaginal entrance. 

• Gently tickle the lower base of her vaginal entrance. 

• As you allow your finger to wander, apply simple, steady tongue 
strokes. Note how the two work in combination. Now that you've 
teased her vulva, slowly insert the first two inches or so of your 
index finger into her vagina. Your finger should go in quite 
easily (assuming she's amply aroused and lubricated) and you 
will likely feel her interior pelvic muscles throb in response and 
the clitoral cuff tighten around you. 

• Hold the position straight and still as you continue to apply 
simple tongue strokes. Don't rush to insert more fingers. Save 
them for later. For now, there's a teasing aspect to the still, single 
finger and its presence stimulates her pelvic muscles to work: 
you're giving her something to reach for that ultimately eludes 
her grasp. 


A Teasing Thumb 

The nublike thumb is a perfect example of the power of width over 
depth. 

• As a playful alternative to your index finger, insert your thumb 
just inside her vaginal entrance, as if you're making a fingerprint. 
In addition to being shorter and squatter than the index finger, 
the thumb has more heft — so use it for shallower movements and 
to stimulate the surface of the vulva. 

Tongue Tip: Use your thumb in combination with your 
index finger. While your index finger is inserted in her 
vaginal entrance, rotate your thumb downward to the six 
o'clock position and then graze, tickle and press her 
perineum (the area of erectile tissue just below her vagina 
and above her anus). Or rotate your thumb back up to the 
twelve o'clock position and massage her frenulum, the area 
just below the clitoral head, while your finger is inserted in 
her vaginal entrance. 

Sturdy Hands 

No jazz trio would be complete without the backup of the bass. Such 
is the role of your hands; not flashy like the tongue, or deft like the 
fingers, but nevertheless crucial in supporting the melody. 

Assuming for the moment that you're right-handed, it's your left 
hand that will generally be employed in this supportive role, as your 
right hand will be focused on finger work (or vice versa if you're left- 
handed). Working from below, your hand provides a solid 
foundation for the action happening above. A firm, steady hand 
enables you to execute your tongue strokes with precision. 



• Place your free hand under her buttocks and cradle them firmly. 
You should be able to easily squeeze both cheeks together. Use 
your hand to keep her in position and fine-tune the position of 
her vulva in relation to your mouth. Make no mistake: a steady 
hand is crucial, the backbone of a great session — it helps her to 
easily maintain persistent contact with your mouth and allows 
you to modulate the pressure against her vulva. 

Let's Review 

1. In this chapter we commenced the process of developing sexual 
tension. We achieved this by introducing manual stimulation, 
namely in the form of a single finger inserted into the vaginal 
entrance. In doing so, we noted the response of her clitoral cuff 
and pelvic muscles. 

2. We also highlighted an alternative to the index finger in the form 
of the thumb, as well as a playful combination in which the 
perineum is stimulated in combination with the index finger. 

3. In addition to simple manual stimulation, we also emphasized 
the importance of using a hand to support her weight and keep 
her firmly in position. A steady grip helps you execute your 
tongue strokes and maintain persistent contact with her vulva. 


“Time Flies” 


Q UESTION: “Sometimes when I’m in the middle of going down 
on a woman, I feel like it’s never going to end. Is there any rule 
of thumb as to how long a cunnilingus session should last?” (Jack, 
23) 

Answer: Yes, there’s a very precise answer as to how long a 
cunnilingus session should last — as long as it takes to bring her to 
orgasm. 

That said, every woman is different when it comes to her process 
of sexual response, so it’s difficult to accurately estimate how long a 
given session should last. Some women are quickly able to develop 
the sexual tension necessary to reach orgasm, while others require 
stimulation over a longer period of time. 

And remember, a woman’s orgasmic potential may fluctuate as a 
result of a wide variety of factors such as stress, exercise, diet, 



fatigue, medication, and alcohol (can help her to relax, but also slow 
her down if too much is imbibed). Broader physical factors such as 
age and pregnancy can also influence a woman's orgasmic potential. 

It's been observed that women who masturbate regularly are often 
able to reach orgasm more easily during cunnilingus than those who 
don't. This is due to the clitoral familiarity that comes with knowing 
her own body and being able to navigate her way through the process 
of sexual response. Masturbation helps to “wire” a woman for 
orgasm and many women, not unlike men, are able to reach orgasm 
within a few minutes when pleasuring themselves (so, in theory it's 
possible for a man to accomplish the same with his tongue). And, of 
course, the degree to which a woman has been amply stimulated 
during foreplay also has a direct bearing on the length of a 
cunnilingus session. 

The more confident you are in navigating her process of sexual 
response — the more you learn what works and what doesn't — the 
more efficient your experience will be. 

But enough equivocating: I will offer a broad generalization and 
opine that a cunnilingus session should last anywhere from fifteen to 
forty-five minutes on average, not including foreplay. It's often 
difficult for a woman to develop the requisite sexual tension in less 
than fifteen minutes, and she will often become over stimulated and 
desensitized beyond forty-five minutes. 

Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not of cunnilingus. 

But rest assured: time flies when you're having fun. 


Developing Tension, Part 2 


Tongue Strokes 

N OW THAT HER CLITORAL HEAD is fully acclimated to the 
attention of your tongue, it's time to vary your strokes and get 
playful: let your tongue take a solo. But, in doing so, remember the 
admonitions of Strunk and White, “Be clear. Be wild of tongue in a 
way we can understand!” Don't make a break with the rhythm you've 
established, reinforce it; play on top of it. 

Horizontal Strokes 

Most tongue strokes are vertical, from bottom to top, but brisk 
horizontal licks back and forth across the clitoral head will inflame 
her, particularly if they're wet and sloppy and wash over the full 
expanse of the head. 



Diagonal Strokes 


Shadow Finger 


Tilt your head to the left or right (whichever is more comfortable), 
and press your ear against her thigh. Then lick from a lower comer 
point of the clitoral region up to its diagonal opposite, brushing 
against the clitoral head in the process. When this is executed 
correctly, you'll notice that your strokes slow down because you're 
working harder for each one and you're using the side of your tongue 
as opposed to the front of it. This position may be a bit awkward on 
the neck, but the change in direction and pace is sure to delight her, 
particularly since your strokes will have a heavier, slightly sluggish 
quality to them. There's actually a bit of “drag” to the diagonal 
stroke, and within that rhythm of drag an unpredictable staccato — 
pleasurable tiny “spikes” that spark within her. 

Tongue Tip: Use both of your thumbs to gently part her labia 
minora (the smaller, inner lips) on either side and expose the 
clitoral head. Skim it gently with your tongue from top to 
bottom and left to right. Once you get the hang of it, use your 
index fingers to gently massage the clitoral shaft. 

Cat Licks 

Ever watch a cat clean itself — repetitive and focused, consumed by 
the task at hand? With time to spare, a cat will clean one small patch 
of fur at a time, working an area over and over again before moving 
on. Cat licks are a staple of cunnilingus. Like a fastidious feline, 
work the entire vulva with short, repetitious licks. Be sure to save the 
clitoral head for last, and then, like a cat that's come across a trouble 
spot that demands a hit of extra attention, apply more focus and 
pressure. 


Let your index finger trail behind your tongue. The hardness of your 
finger coming on top of your wet, soft tongue will create a pleasing 
contrast. Start with simple vertical and horizontal strokes, and then 
try more complex paths. 

Flat Tongue, Still Tongue 

This is one of the most underestimated and underutilized tongue 
positions. It's great for inducing orgasm, but more important, it's also 
great as a breather between tongue strokes. A flat, still tongue is like 
the intermission at a play, or the break between scenes. It's a chance 
to change the scenery and gives the actors a rest, but you're not 
letting the audience leave the theater. Let your tongue rest firmly and 
flatly against the full length of her vaginal entrance. Push your 
tongue into her vulva. Then let her do the work. Let her move, glide, 
shimmy, and grind against your tongue. Whatever she wants. Let her 
set the pace. 

Rope-a-Dope 

Think of two boxers in the ring, resting briefly in embrace during a 
long, grueling round. Let her pummel your resting tongue. Let her 
wear herself out. And then — ”rope-a-dope” her! That's the strategy 
Muhammad Ali employed to take down George Foreman during the 
edge-of your-seat “Thrilla in Manila.” Ali let Foreman clobber him 
for a full seven rounds. Everyone thought he was a goner. And then, 
when Foreman was so fatigued from pounding away that he could 
barely lift his tired, heavy mitts, Ali sprang to life with a lightning- 
fast combination that sent his dazed and confused opponent to the 
mat in a matter of seconds. Be like Ali. Let her push and grind 



Suction Pucker 


Literary Lick, Number Two 

This tongue stroke pays homage to the writer Vladimir Nabokov, 
who wrote the classic work Lolita and the wonderful line, “Lo- 
lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the 
palate to tap, at three, on the teeth.” 

A lot of sex books wax enthusiastically over the virtues of 
writing the alphabet on a woman's vulva with one's tongue. While 
it sounds good on paper, it really doesn't cut it in practice. 

If you're going to write the alphabet with your tongue, trace 
the same letter over and over, slowly and evenly. 

Try writing a capital F, beginning with a long, solid lick from 
the bottom to the top, followed by a generous top sweep across 
the head, and culminating with a signature dash just below the 
clitoral hood. 

Or, conversely, try a lowercase i, with its halfway journey up 
the length of her vaginal entrance and a delectable dot on the head 
to top it off. 

Write it a hundred, if not a thousand, times, gradually 
increasing the force and pressure of your tongue until that letter, 
like an ancient hieroglyph, is indelibly inscribed in every fiber of 
her being. 


Pucker your lips around the clitoral glans and apply a bit of gentle 
suction. This technique will stimulate increased blood flow to the 
clitoris — an aspect of sexual response so important to female arousal 
that the FDA approved the Eros-CTD (Clitoral Therapy Device) for 
the treatment of female orgasmic disorder. This contraption consists 
of a small pump connected to a tiny plastic cup that fits over the head 
of the clitoris and is designed to simulate the effects of cunnilingus. 
As such, it often brings women to orgasm. Research has also 
suggested that the CTD pump might even prevent fibrosis of the 
clitoral arteries as women grow older. But there's nothing this device 
can do that you can't do better! 

Let's Review 

In this chapter we introduced some creative, playful techniques for 
varying the rhythm and pace of your tongue strokes. These 
techniques are important in that they allow you to maintain persistent 
clitoral contact while simultaneously mixing things up and 
heightening the excitement. In giving your tongue a solo, don't break 
the rhythm you've established, reinforce it. 


against your flat, still tongue — take it all in — and then spring back 
with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her 
senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still 
tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life 
again. 




Come-Hither 


Escalating the Action, 
Part I 


Spot Removal 

Y OU'VE UNDOUBTEDLY heard of the G-spot. You've 
probably spent your fair share of time searching for it, and then 
wondering if you found it. But as we learned earlier, the G-spot is 
much more than just a spot; in fact, to call it a spot is a serious 
misnomer. If anything, it's an area, a sensitive expanse. Forget the 
term “G-spot” and think of it as a cluster — a clitoral cluster, that is. 
Think of this cluster as the unseen “roots” of a flower that wend their 
way through the “soil” of erectile tissue and pelvic bone. 

Now that we know what we're looking for, let's go find it. 


Earlier, we explored the possibilities of manual stimulation by 
inserting a single, still finger into the vaginal entrance. Now 
incorporate slow movements of that finger into your routine: 

• Start with a straight index finger and then curl it in a “come- 
hither” gesture. 

• Gently graze her vaginal ceiling with your fingertip. As you do 
so, your finger will pass over the clitoral cluster, an area of 
sensitive spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra and swells 
against the vaginal ceiling when aroused. At this point in the 
process of arousal, her clitoral cluster should be fairly easy to 



Come-Hither Clasp 



find, as it is likely engorged with the inflow of blood. Y our fingertip 
should end its journey in the spongy tissue where her vaginal ceiling 
intersects with her vaginal entrance. 

• Press lightly against her pubic bone with your fingertip. She may 
shudder at the first touch of the area, as you are now stimulating 
a new hot zone in the clitoral network. 

• In addition to the “come-hither” finger curl, press the length of 
your finger up against her vaginal ceiling — hold the position and 
apply pressure against the area. Don't be shy about pressing up 
into her vaginal ceiling. The clitoral cluster is less sensitive than 
the clitoral head, and responds well to firm, persistent pressure. 

Tongue Tip: As you press your finger into her vaginal ceiling, use 
your free hand to press down from above on her pubic mound. The 
pressure from above complements the pressure from below and 
heightens the sensitivity of the region to your touch. This is 
because the spongy tissue that comprises the clitoral cluster is 
nestled between her vaginal ceiling and pubic bone and swells 
against both when engorged with blood during arousal. (See the 
illustration at the end of this chapter for a visual of this technique.) 

• Now that you've used the come-hither finger curl to graze her 
vaginal ceiling/clitoral cluster, reverse position and do the same 
along her vaginal floor. When “trawling” her vaginal floor, 
you're exciting her perineal tissue (the sensitive erectile tissue 
that lines the expanse of skin between her vagina and anus). 

Tongue Tip: Give her a “perineal pinch.” When stimulating her 
perineal tissue from the inside with your index finger, use your 
thumb to press her perineum from the outside. In this position, 
you're literally pinching her perineum from both sides. 



• Having lavished attention on both the vaginal ceiling and floor, 
use the come-hither finger curl to graze her sensitive vaginal 
walls, both left and right, especially the areas that are closest to 
the entrance. 

• Be sure to complement this manual tour of her vaginal walls 
with the tongue strokes described in previous chapters (vertical 
strokes will be the easiest and most natural). If it's too difficult to 
focus on performing hand and tongue gestures simultaneously, 
then simply press a flat still tongue against her clitoral head and 
focus on the manual stimulation. 


Let's Review 

In this chapter we redubbed the G-spot the clitoral cluster, expanded 
our definition of this important erogenous zone, and learned how to 
stimulate it manually with a series of finger positions. 


Two's Company 


N OW THAT YOU have exploited a single finger to its full 
potential, it's time to introduce a second finger, your middle 
one. Think of your index and middle fingers as a single finger and let 
them work in unison. 

• First, simply insert both fingers inside her vaginal canal (palm 
up) and maintain a still position. Take a moment to feel her 
pelvic muscles contract against the sides of your fingers; notice 
the further tightening of her vaginal entrance (the clitoral cuff) 
around your fingers. 

• As you did earlier with a single finger, use both fingers — side by 
side — to graze the ceiling, floor, and walls of her vagina with 
come-hither gestures. When grazing her vaginal ceiling, feel 
your fingertips pass over the spongy tissue of the clitoral cluster. 



Flatten your fingers and press them into her vaginal ceiling. Push 
up against the spongy tissue. Apply firm pressure. With your 
other hand, press down against her pubic mound. 

Use both hands to massage her from above and below. 

Continue to apply your tongue to her clitoral head — either with 
small vertical strokes or simply with a flat, still tongue. At this 
point the application of steady pressure against her clitoral head 
is just as important as, if not more important than, tongue 
strokes. 

In using both fingers and tongue, you are simultaneously 
engaging her clitoral cluster and clitoral head. Note that you are 
applying a gentle pressure to the latter and a deeper pressure to 
the former. The pleasure she experiences is a blend of these two 
types of stimulation. 

The Come-Hither Clasp 

Now hook your fingertips just inside her vaginal entrance and 
push up against her vaginal ceiling/clitoral cluster with the tops 
of your fingers. Get a good firm grasp. Press your fingertips into 
the spongy tissue atop of her vaginal entrance, and raise the tops 
of your finger — through to the knuckle (or as much as 
comfortably possible) — against her vaginal ceiling. 

Maintain this position; apply fingertip pressure. 

Since you should still be licking her clitoral head from the 
outside (while stimulating it with your fingers from within), your 
chin should fit comfortably into the palm of your hand. Your 
fingertips should be pressing into the area just behind the head 
(only a thin layer of tissue and pelvic bone separates your 
fingertips and tongue). 



The come-hither clasp is an important position for stimulating 
the full expanse of her clitoral cluster as well as maintaining the 
position of her vulva against your mouth — it’s very likely the 
position your fingers will be in when she reaches orgasm, with the 
possible addition of a third finger to round out the team and enhance 
the throbbing of her pelvic contractions. 



Let's Review 


In addition to introducing a second finger, we also illuminated the 
importance of the come-hither clasp — a position that enables your 

finger to straddle the full expanse of her clitoral cluster. At this point Thelnterlude 

in the process, use your fingers to find a position and then maintain 
steady pressure. 


Q UESTION: “My girlfriend loves oral sex, but sometimes she 
complains about being lonely when I'm doing it. Is that weird?” 
(Rob, 29) 

ANSWER: No, her sense of loneliness is not entirely uncommon. 
Even though cunnilingus is an intense physical experience, it's 
possible that she may feel a bit disconnected from you. Try 
straddling one of her legs so that your penis rests against her inner 
thigh. Stroke her stomach with your free hand. Connect more of your 
bodies to each other. And even though you're focused on her vulva, 
keep in mind that there's a whole woman up there, so make an extra 
effort to verbalize and stay connected. 



Time-out 

The come-hither clasp described in the previous chapter provides an 
ideal opportunity to take a quick intermission from cunnilingus and 
focus on other types of stimulation — assuming she'll let you. 

• Still stimulating her “clitoral cluster,” get up on your knees, 
come around to one side of her, and kiss her stomach and 
breasts; you can also kiss her mouth if she doesn't object, but 
take heed: just as the average guy doesn't always relish the 
idea of kissing a woman after she's gone down on him, many 
women would rather not kiss a wet face that has just come 
up from below. 

• When enjoying an entr'acte, keep a small towel handy and 
use your free hand to give your face a quick wipe-down. 

Y ou might also want to pat down her inner thighs and lightly 
dab her vulva. 


sip before going back to your tongue strokes. But remember: during 
this interlude, try not to remove your fingers from their come-hither 
clasp. Maintain a good firm grip on her clitoral cluster and enjoy 
your libations — all of them. 

Let's Review 

A come-hither clasp is an ideal way to take a short interlude from 
cunnilingus, reconnect with her upper body, and enjoy other forms of 
stimulation before returning to your session. 


The Perfect Pairing 

A time-out also presents an opportunity to have a swish or two of 
wine to refresh your palate. As noted in Part I, the pH level of her 
vulva is remarkably similar to that of wine, so cunnilingus and the 
fruit of the vine are the perfect pairing. Try a dry white, or a red 
Zinfandel — wines that are a little more on the acidic side will add 
some zing to your tongue. 

If you're willing to indulge your senses as well as your wallet, 
pick up a good bottle of Viognier from the Condrieu region in 
France; it possesses a rich perfume that's redolent of apricot, 
peaches, and honey, and, when combined with the sweet nectar of 
her vulva, is the closest you'll ever come to tasting ambrosia, the 
food of the gods. Whatever your choice, make sure you offer her a 



Escalating the Action, 
Part 2 


Under Pressure: The Clitoris 

I T'S TIME to start applying more clitoral pressure with your 
mouth — much more. At this point in the process of sexual 
response, stimulation in the form of persistent pressure against the 
area of her clitoral head is probably the single most important 
element in helping her reach orgasm. The other three elements 
fundamental to her orgasm are: 

• The rhythm of your tongue against her clitoral head 
• The firm position of your fingers against her clitoral cluster. 

• The support of your hand under her buttocks 

Taken together, these four elements enable the oral inducement of 
the female orgasm. 

• Apply pressure with a flat, still tongue. Make your tongue as 
firm as possible and then press it against her clitoral head. Like a 
reflex, she will press her vulva into your tongue. 


Now it's time to introduce a key component of oral stimulation, 
the “gum-press.” 

• Raise your upper lip by making an “Elvis Presley” snarl and 
press your gum against her front commissure, the sensitive area 
just above the head. (If you're having a problem getting the hang 
of exposing your gum in this manner, use your upper lip 
instead.) 

• Start with a light pressure and adjust it accordingly to her 
comfort. While not as sensitive to touch as the actual clitoral 
head, the front commissure nevertheless abounds in nerve fibers 
as the clitoral shaft runs beneath it. The virtue of the gum-press 
is that while you apply pressure to her front commissure, you're 
in perfect position to easily, and skillfully, lick her head, 
frenulum, hood, and inner labia with your tongue. 

• Similar to the flat, still tongue, let her take the lead in setting 
pace and rhythm. Let her use your gum as a source of resistance 
in order to build up the friction necessary for orgasm. 

Bottom- up 

When performing a gum-press, know that the pressure against your 
gum, at times, may prove formidable — you may even experience a 
slight ache — especially as she approaches orgasm. 

If you feel like you need a break from the gum-press (a top-down 
approach), try applying pressure against her frenulum, the area just 
below her clitoral head. Fortunately, the frenulum, like other 
sensitive parts of the clitoral network, is rife with nerve endings, and 
you can easily apply pressure against it while still engaging the glans 
with tongue strokes. 






• Press your thumb into her frenulum and massage the underlying 
tissue and pubic bone. As you lick, take note that the tip of your 
thumb is right below your tongue. 

Tongue Tip: Use a vibrator to provide pressure against her 
frenulum, a key area for applying pressure. The tip of the 
vibrator should nestle in snugly beneath the clitoral head. As 
you apply tongue strokes to the clitoral head, notice that the 
tip of the vibrator is right beneath your tongue (perhaps even 
humming against it) and the shaft of the vibrator is 
underneath your chin. For more on information on how to 
incorporate a vibrator into your session, see the section in the 
Appendix entitled Useful Toys. 

Whether you are applying pressure to the front commissure with 
your gum, or to the frenulum with your thumb or a vibrator, what's 
important is that you're creating a point of resistance that allows her 
to generate friction and create sexual tension on her own terms. 


Putting All the Players to Work 

Now it's time to deploy a gum-press in combination with a come- 
hither clasp. It's this combination of focused pressure on both sides 
of the clitoral region, inner and outer, that will usher her into the 
preorgasm state. 

• Maintain the pressure of a gum-press for five to ten seconds, and 
then vary it with tongue strokes — short horizontal passes that 
skim across the top of the clitoral head from left to right, or 
vertical strokes that hit it head-on from bottom to top. 

• All the while, maintain the manual stimulation of the come- 
hither finger clasp. 



• Get your thumb into the action by pressing it against her 
frenulum. 

• Get your free hand (the one supporting her buttocks) into the 
action by stimulating her perineum. If your hand is horizontally 
straddling her buttocks, simply rotate it so that it's vertically 
aligned with the crevice between her buttocks. Now your thumb 
is free, willing, and able to stimulate her perineum externally. 

In case you didn't know it, at this point you're working like a pro. 

Y ou are stimulating the key areas of the clitoral network, both visible 

and hidden, and calling all of its parts to action! 

Let's Review 

1 . In this chapter we discussed the importance of applying external 
pressure to the region around the clitoral head. 

2. We introduced the technique of a gum-press against the front 
commissure, or alternatively fingertip or vibrator pressure 
against the frenulum. The point is to maintain pressure and 
provide a point of resistance as you continue to stimulate the 
clitoral head with your tongue. 

3. Let her take the lead in establishing pace, rhythm, and pressure. 

4. Finally, we introduced a combination that includes a come-hither 
clasp to stimulate the clitoral cluster; a gum-press that provides 
pressure against the front commissure; tongue strokes that 
stimulate the head; and manual stimulation of the frenulum and 
perineum. 


A Stitch in Time 


Q UESTION: During a session of cunnilingus, is there anything I 
can do to speed up the process? 

ANSWER: Whatever you do, don't attempt to speed things up by 
increasing the pace of your clitoral stimulation. One of the main 
complaints of women in regard to men's oral habits is that they're too 
fast and rough. So if you “tongue-fuck” her, or flick her clit like 
you're a pom star, in order to move things along, you'll likely derail 
the entire process and possibly even hurt her. 

Also, do not do anything to indicate to her that you're in a rush or 
growing impatient. Don't sigh or groan; don't get angry or frustrated; 
don't glance at your watch, and certainly don't say anything like 
“come on, already.” Refer back to the Three Assurances in Part I and 
take note of Assurance number two: There's no rush; she has all the 
time in the world. Y ou want to savor every moment. 

Remember, one of the most common anxieties women experience 
during cunnilingus is a fear that they're taking too long, hence the 



importance of this Assurance. So if she even senses that you thi nk 
she might be taking too long, her anxiety may well become a self- 
fulfilling prophecy. 

Foreplay is the key factor. The more a woman has been erotically 
stimulated during foreplay, the more easily, and quickly, she will 
reach orgasm. Rather than trying to decrease the time you're 
spending, focus on increasing the pleasure and intimacy you're 
providing. 

Additionally, there are key moments during a session of 
cunnilingus when the introduction of a new element or variation — a 
tongue stroke, a finger, stimulation of the clitoral cluster or anus — 
will often hypercharge the process and take the action to the next 
level. 

It goes without saying that a man should understand the female 
process of sexual response and be able to draw upon a wide variety 
of techniques when stimulating her. As the saying goes, “a stitch in 
time saves nine.” 

But beyond general experience, a crucial factor is often the 
familiarity and intuitive sense of knowing that comes from being 
intimately involved with a woman and learning firsthand what works 
and what doesn't. 

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “Not that the story need be long, but 
it will take a long while to make it short,” and the same can be said 
of cunnilingus. In order to create a short work — one that has all the 
power and resonance of a longer one — you must know your craft as 
well as your subject. And such intimate knowledge comes with time, 
practice, and dedication. 


Preorgasm, Part I 


O NCE HER ORGASM was but a distant and faraway destination 
in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of 
her skyline are plainly in view, the throbbing pulse of Main Street 
tangible. You've just entered the city limits. Welcome to 
Orgasmopolis! 

The Visible Signs of Arousal 

When it comes to sex and the “moment after,” perhaps the single 
most frequently asked question by men is, “Uh . . . did you come?” 
To many guys, the female orgasm is a mystery, a conundrum: a 
chimera so intangible and elusive that they often fail to recognize it 
when it's happening right before their very eyes. 

Shortly, we will examine precisely what occurs when a woman is 
experiencing an orgasm. But for now, rest assured — if you are in 



tune with her process of sexual response, if you're in lockstep all the 
way, then you will notice visible signs of the impending climax well 
before the event itself. These indications will be most apparent in the 
preorgasm phase, the moments just preceding her orgasmic 
contractions. 

So what are the visible signs of arousal? How can you tell when 
she's close to orgasm? 

Throughout the ages wise men have reflected upon this question 
and, in The Tao of Love and Sex, author Jolan Chang offers us the 
“indications of female arousal” as laid out by Taoist master Wu 
Hsien: 

1. She is panting and her voice is shaking uncontrollably. 

2. She closes her eyes and her nostrils are widened and she is 
unable to speak. 

3. She is staring at the man. 

4. Her ears turn red and her face is flushing, but the tip of her 
tongue turns slightly colder. 

5. Her hands are hot and her abdomen warm, and at the same time 
her language becomes almost unintelligible. 

6. Her expression looks as though she is bewitched, her body is soft 
as jelly, and her limbs are droopy. 

7. The saliva under her tongue has been sucked dry and her body is 
pressing against the man. 

8. The pulses of her vulva become noticeable and her secretions are 
flowing. 

Well, okay. While today's modem man might not notice that “the 
saliva under her tongue has been sucked dry,” he is — as evidenced 
by the medley of quotes below — apt to observe: 

“1 feel her vagina tighten. It starts to throb and pulse, like the 
beating of her heart.” 

“Her body stiffens, her muscles tighten. She flexes and releases, 
flexes and releases — especially her legs.” 


“Her skin flushes; her entire body heats up.” 

“She starts perspiring.” 

“Her abdominal muscles tighten.” 

“Her breasts swell.” 

“I notice a difference in her taste; her juices start to thicken, they 
get sweeter and warmer. It's like they're being heated up from all the 
action, roiling in a cauldron.” 

“She holds me tightly in position and won't let me move.” “She 
locks me in.” 

“Her breathing gets really deep, like she's running a marathon.” “I 
feel her heart racing, pounding.” 

“She starts grabbing at my hair and ears.” 

“She pushes up her pelvis.” 

“She grinds against me.” 

“She bites her lower lip.” 

“She tells me, 'Keep going, keep going; don't stop.' “ 

“She finds something to grab — my hair, a finger, a piece of 
blanket.” 

“She enters another world. She's completely lost in 
concentration.” 

“It's like she's possessed and speaking in tongues.” 

Ninety Seconds Away 

Cunnilinguists are in a great position to observe the visible signs of 
arousal, especially when the lights are on. Of particular note will be 
the darkening in color and deepening in luster of her inner labia, as 
well as the retraction of the clitoral head into its hood — both are 
signs that she's within ninety seconds of reaching climax. Even in the 
dark, it's not hard to observe when the glans has retracted; focus on 
feeling the head when it's fully protruded and erect, and you'll easily 
be able to recognize its absence. 



Let's Review 


In this chapter, we discussed the visible signs of arousal, and how to 
determine when she's within ninety seconds of orgasm. 

Preorgasm: Part 2 


Stay in Position 

O NE of the most challenging aspects of the preorgasm phase is 
simply holding her in place and helping her to maintain the 
position of her clitoris against your mouth. What's ahead of her is a 
straightaway, and you need to make sure that she stays on track and 
there are no sudden turns. Too often a woman loses hold of an 
orgasm just before it's about to happen. You need to be consistent as 
well as persistent. 

Think about it: a very small area (the region of her clitoral head) 
needs to maintain persistent, forceful contact with another very small 
area (your tongue and gum). Without your hands holding her tightly 
in position (one under her butt, the other inside her vaginal entrance), 
without your mouth and gum pressed into her clitoral area and 
without the methodic, rhythmic sweeps of your tongue, her orgasm 



will fast lose its inevitability and become a mere possibility. Thi nk of 
yourself as helping to keep her clitoris positioned between a rock and 
a hard place. 

• Once she's in the preorgasm phase, bring her legs as close 
together as possible. In this position it's much easier for her 
pelvic muscles to transition into an involuntary state of spasm. If 
her legs are too wide apart, she may not be able to orgasm at all. 
Don't worry about not having enough space to stimulate her with 
your tongue — there's plenty of room. At this point, the tighter the 
fit, the better. Remember, her clitoral head is an external part of 
her vulva and closer to the surface of the mons pubis than the 
inside of the vagina. 

• In this position, everything narrows and tightens — the walls of 
her vagina around your fingers, her legs around your arms — all 
activity becomes constrained and more concentrated. To an 
outside observer, it may look as though you're both rather still, 
but, in fact, all you need do is loosen your grip ever so lightly to 
unleash a veritable whirlwind of movement. 



Tongue Tip: If you need assistance keeping her legs 
together, particularly as you're trying to focus on the 
combination of manual and oral stimulation, tie her ankles 
together with some form of restraint— a necktie, a ribbon. This 
will make it significantly easier for you to keep her in 
position. 

• Very often the best way to keep her in position is simply to push 
her legs together and — with the fingers of one hand nestled 
inside her, and your other hand underneath her buttocks — get on 
top of her and straddle her legs with the full weight of your body. 

Let's Review 

In this chapter, we discussed the importance of helping her maintain 
position. Focus on keeping her as still as possible and constraining 
her movements. Also, make sure her legs are as close together as 
possible. 



Posterior Pizzazz 


C ONSIDER SPICING UP the action with a bit of anal play. 

Remember: the clitoris and anus are connected through perineal 
tissue and the sphincter contracts during orgasm along with the 
pelvic muscles. In short, the anal region participates in the process of 
sexual response and is connected to the clitoral network. 

As with all elements of cunnilingus, a little goes a long way, and 
anal stimulation is no exception. Like everything else we've 
discussed, it's about stimulation rather than penetration. 

• Thus far, you've stimulated the perineum and the area just 
around her anus. Now graze the anus with your fingertip and 
then insert it — just the fingertip. As soon as you penetrate her 
anal area, you should feel the tightening of her sphincter muscles 
against your finger. 

• Hold this position through her orgasm. 

Tongue Tip: When stimulating the anus, you may need some 
of that lubricant you've been keeping on hand. 'Typically, it 


won't be necessary, as some of the moisture from her vulva 
has naturally made its way south to the perineum and into the 
anal area, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. 

When stimulating the anus, make sure to insert a finger that's not 
employed in manual stimulation of the vulva, as there are bacteria in 
the former that you don't want coming into contact with the latter. 
Your best bet is the thumb of your hand that's supporting her 
buttocks. You should be able to position yourself easily so that 
you're able to support her buttocks in addition to inserting the tip of 
your thumb into her anus. 

Or insert the pinkie or fourth finger of the hand that is involved in 
manual stimulation— those two fingers are usually neglected anyway 
during manual stimulation of the vulva, so give them some active 
duty. 

It's worth noting that while cunnilingus is a generally accepted 
form of sexual expression, stimulating the anal area is sometimes 
considered off-limits, even though there's a big difference between a 
wee fingertip in the butt and full-blown anal intercourse. If it's your 
first time, tease the general environs a bit with your finger and be 
sure to give her clear physical cues that you're “approaching and 
entering.” If she's uncomfortable, then pull back; it's not worth 
jeopardizing a productive cunnilingus session over. 

Let's Review 

In this chapter we discussed the role that the anal area plays in the 
process of sexual response and the type of stimulation that's best 
deployed in conjunction with cunnilingus. Once again, think about 
stimulation as opposed to penetration. Anal stimulation can seriously 
enhance the quality of her orgasm, but if overdone, it can also 
detract. 



Preorgasm, Part 3 


A S SHE TEETERS close to orgasm, take a moment to get into a 
cool, calm headspace. Don't get swept away by all the 
excitement. One of the main advantages of cunnilingus over 
intercourse is that you can remain levelheaded and in control 
throughout the entire experience; the most common mistake men 
make is to meet passion with passion. Having come this far, do NOT 
let the cunnilingus session degenerate into random chaos in the 
penultimate moments. 

Cool, Calm Tongue Strokes 

Now is the ideal time to play it cool with your tongue, maybe even a 
little hard to get. The smaller and lighter your tongue strokes, the 


more you will prolong the heightened sensations just prior to orgasm 
and build sexual tension. 

• If you're licking her with rhythmic, vertical strokes, try skipping 
one. For example: 1-2-3-4, l-2-skip-4; or l-skip-2skip, l-skip-2- 
skip. 

• Or introduce a horizontal swipe amid a series of vertical 
strokes — just as we began the cunnilingus session with some 
teasing, so too can we end it that way. 

• Slow down. Let her orgasm come to you. Tease it out of her. Not 
only will this teasing help to trigger her orgasm, it will also 
shaipen the orgasmic contractions. 

Here are three creative techniques to calmly coax her orgasm: 

Jackson Pollock Licks 

A bit of lore about the painter Jackson Pollock: a journalist came to 
his studio one afternoon, surveyed the artist's work and, unimpressed 
by the abstract splotches, told him, “That's not art, any monkey can 
do that.” Pollock dipped his brush in a can of paint, gave it a deft 
flick of the wrist, and told the journalist to get the hell out. He 
pointed to the doorknob: on it, dead center, was a single dot of paint. 

• Try licking her the way Pollock painted: broad strokes, with 
pinpoint targeted precision. Swooping, serpent like, start with the 
flat part of the tongue and end with the tip. Like Pollock, be sure 
you know what you're aiming for; demonstrate the precision that 
underlies the passion. 



The Lily Pad 

Imagine a frog on a lily pad. It sits silently and patiently, and then 
suddenly its tongue darts out to snag its prey. Make like a frog and 
“catch” the clitoral head with your tongue. In cunnilingus, less is 
definitely more, and this technique — with its pauses and sudden 
flashes of contact — bears that out. 


Finishing Touches 

Impressionist painter Georges Seurat pioneered the art of 
“pointillism” — rendering his subject out of thousands, if not 
millions, of tiny dots of color. Like Seurat proudly surveying a 
barely dry landscape, apply a few considered finishing touches to 
your “canvas” — using the tiniest tongue tip of a brush, liven up your 
subject with a burst of pointed color. 

G et ready: here comes the first of a series of involuntary, 
spasmodic contractions that signal she's reached orgasm and is 
about to release the tension that you both worked so hard to build. 

As Masters and Johnson noted of the preorgasm phase, or what 
they called the plateau phase, “The female gathers psychological and 
physiological strength from the stockpile of mounting sexual tension, 
until she can direct all her physical and mental forces toward a leap 
into the third, or orgasmic phase, of sexual tension expression.” 

Let's Review 

In this chapter, we discussed the value of small, light tongue strokes 
as she approaches orgasm. These tiny gestures provide contrast to the 
pressure of your gum against her front commissure; they also help to 
prolong the last heightened phase of preorgasm and build further 
sexual tension. 


A Note for Those Stuck 
Without an Ending 


S OMETIMES a woman is simply unable to reach orgasm via 
cunnilingus and will founder in the preorgasm phase unless 
there's a transition into genital intercourse. This may occur for a 
variety of reasons: 

• She may be under the impression that intercourse is the proper, 
or only, way in which a woman should experience orgasm. 

• She may be uncomfortable with the idea of coming in a man's 
mouth. 

• Or perhaps she simply hasn't “trained” her body to experience an 
orgasm in this manner. 

As Natalie Angier wrote, “The intimate connection between a 
woman's psychic humor and her clitoral power means that the clitoris 
must be wired up to the brain — the big brain — before it can sing. The 
brain must learn to ride its little rod the way it must learn to balance 



its body on a bicycle. And once learned, the skill will not be 
forgotten.” 

Most women have “wired” themselves to orgasm consistently 
through masturbation and then subsequently settle for the 
inconsistency of genital intercourse. Since many men do not, as a 
rule, use their tongues to take a woman through the entire process of 
sexual response, many women are not “wired” to come as a result of 
cunnilingus. 

Fortunately, such modification is easily achieved. Reassure her, 
let her relax into the process; let her know that you want her to come 
in this manner; let her know how much you're enjoying it. Give her 
time to feel her way through the process, and don't fret if she doesn't 
come the first time. She'll get there as long as you're providing the 
stimulation she needs. 

But if she still insists on genital intercourse, make sure the 
transition to penetration is seamless. It's all too easy to lose the 
rhythm that's been established and squander all that sexual tension 
you've so carefully gathered. 

For more on this subject, refer to Chapter Forty-three. 


The Female Orgasm: 
Expanding Your Vocabulary 


L ET'S POLISH UP on our vocabulary, and meanwhile learn a 
thing or two about the female orgasm: 

WORD: “Rabelaisian” 

DEFINITION: like Rabelais or his writings; marked by exuberant 
imagination and caricature. 

EXAMPLE: “The walls trembled violently from the shouts of her 
orgasm — so much so that the man wondered if her ululations 
weren't more Rabelaisian than real.” 

In 1994, Shere Hite observed that more than half the women in 
her latest survey were faking orgasm, with only 42 percent getting 
there with a male partner. More recently, some studies have put the 
number of women who don't orgasm consistently as high as 58 



percent. The best way to know if a woman's faking an orgasm is by 
knowing how to recognize the real thing. 

To an informed cunnilinguist, in tune with her process of sexual 
response, this is easier than you might suspect. As we discussed 
earlier, there are visible signs of arousal that become apparent 
throughout the process of sexual response, particularly during the 
preorgasm phase. 

These include: 

• An increase in the pace of her breathing 

• An increase in body temperature and heart rate 

• A high state of tension in her muscles, also known as 
hypertonicity 

• A tightening of the abdominal muscles 

• The throbbing of her PC muscles, and a general “bearing down” 
on the pelvic area 

In addition to observing these visible signs of arousal during the 
preorgasm phase, you will principally recognize the female orgasm 
through the spasmodic, involuntary contractions of her genital area, 
also known as pelvic thrusting. 

• As she releases sexual tension through orgasm, her vagina and 
uterus will contract, on average, ten to fifteen times, with each 
contraction lasting approximately eight tenths of a second; her 
rectal sphincter contracts anywhere from two to five times as 
well. Based on these measurements, the average female orgasm 
lasts anywhere from ten to twenty seconds. 

• Attendant to these genital and rectal contractions is the tensing 
and releasing, in spasm, of many of the muscles throughout her 
body, including arms, legs, neck, and face — even her toes will 
bend and arch forward. 


• During orgasm, her breathing will speed up and her pulse will 
soar (anywhere from 1 10 to 180 beats per minute). 

• In some cases, a woman may ejaculate a clear fluid. 

Tongue Tip: If you're wondering if her orgasm was the real 
McCoy, look for the increased prominence of her nipples. It 
may appear that they are becoming more erect, but in 
actuality the area of her areolas is subsiding to its normal 
state. Another sign of her orgasm is the rapid subsidence of 
her “sex flush” and the appearance of a filmy sheen of 
perspiration in its place. 

One way of thinking about the female orgasm is not as an action, 
but rather as a reaction, the involuntary release of all the sexual 
tension she built up throughout the process of arousal and the final 
surrender and letting go. It's important to remember that no two 
women are the same when it comes to their orgasms, and many sex 
therapists consider the individual experience so unique that it's 
sometimes referred to as “orgasmic fingerprinting.” 

That said, there are consistencies in the overall structure of an 
orgasm, with the average woman experiencing a sudden sense of 
“stopping,” followed immediately by intense, shaip contractions, 
which gradually slow and wane into a duller, more blunted, pelvic 
throbbing before subsiding. 

Back to the question of how to tell when she's faking it. Many 
women can duplicate the characteristics of orgasm, including the 
contractions of the PC muscles, although it's unlikely she could 
manufacture eight to ten of these contractions in less than twenty 
seconds, especially in combination with all the other visible 
characteristics. In fact, some sex therapists will recommend to 
women who have trouble experiencing orgasms that they do just 
that — fake their way through one in order to stimulate and trick the 
body into experiencing the real thing. 



But, in truth, most women know that they needn't bother 
portraying a convincing facsimile of the real thing when they can 
simply offer up an ersatz performance of those characteristics that 
are most likely to fool and please men. In short, lots of sound and 
fury, which, in the end, is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. 
This is a broad generalization, but it's the screamers and the thrashers 
who are very often the fakers. 

An orgasm doesn't come out of nowhere; it's the final 
exclamation point on a sentence that you've been writing all along. If 
the final flourish feels unearned, then it likely is. 

WORD: “Coadjutor” 

DEFINITION: a helper, assistant. 

EXAMPLE: “As a loyal and diligent coadjutor in the satisfaction of 
his mistress, he knew exactly what to do as her body began to 
spasm and shudder with pleasure.” 

When a woman enters the period of orgasmic contractions, stay 
absolutely focused on what you're doing. Maintain your position. 
Provide a steady point of resistance. Feel the contractions of her 
orgasm, the thrusting of her pelvis. Like a shock absorber, take her 
movements into your body and then channel them back into her in 
the form of pleasurable vibrations. Contain the energy; smother it. 
Let it out slowly. Don't let the orgasm explode out of her in one 
quick, furious blast; tease it out slowly in long, fluid pulses. 

Stay calm and cool. Now's not the moment to get caught up in 

Wait until she's come to a complete stop! Whereas men reach a 
point of “ejaculatory inevitability” during the process of sexual 
response, also known as the point of no return, women require 
persistent, unbroken clitoral stimulation even as they are in the 
midst of climaxing, lest the orgasm come to a grinding halt. 


the hullabaloo and lose your discipline. Soon enough it will be your 
turn. Make sure you finish what you've started. 

It's all too easy to confuse the moments just prior to her orgasm 
with the orgasm itself. The female orgasm is preceded by small, 
growing waves of pleasure that ebb and build, and these waves may 
have the appearance of an orgasm. She's in the process of coming, 
without having actually peaked yet. Her pelvic area is throbbing, but 
she hasn't yet gone into the involuntary state of spasmodic release. 
When the actual orgasm happens, it will break the rhythm that 
precedes it; there's a brief violence to the moment — a spasm, a 
shudder — like that first jolt when the wheels of a landing plane touch 
the runway. The actual orgasm may only last ten to twenty seconds 
at its peak; but the entire process — replete with spine-tingling ebbs 
and flows — may easily last several minutes. 

WORD: 'Appoggiatura” 

MEANING: an embellishment: a musical note performed before an 
essential part of a melody and normally taking half or less than 
half its time value. 

EXAMPLE: “When a woman climaxes as a result of oral 
stimulation, one can deftly apply small, yet highly effective 
appoggiaturas that enhance and punctuate the larger experience.” 

If, and when, a woman climaxes during genital intercourse, you 
may feel the contractions of her orgasm pulse against your penis, but 
there's little you can do to stimulate or enhance those pleasurable 
waves beyond maintaining persistent contact with her clitoris. 

However, during cunnilingus, you have the added benefit of 
being able to use your tongue to “spike” the process. 

• Once she's entered the period of orgasmic contractions — about 
ten to twenty seconds in duration — apply light, playful tongue 
jabs against the clitoral head; swipe the head with short vertical 
strokes, mixed in with some diagonal swipes. As always, do this 




calmly, coolly, and gently. These “appoggiaturas” should be 
light tongue tickles that go against the grain of her orgasm. 
Think of them as tiny bumps in the road: they won't slow her 
down, but she'll definitely feel them. Take your time; you needn't 
apply more than four to six swipes in total. Each one will add 
spark and counterpoint to the process — power spikes that 
continue to push the envelope of pleasure until all the sexual 
tension has been completely exhausted and drained from her 
body. In short, use your tongue to tease out every last bit of 
pleasure. 

WORD: “Anfractuous” 

MEANING: full of twists and turns. 

EXAMPLE: “So anfractuous was the process of arousing her, so 
dizzying and roundabout his journey, that even after the last of 
her fitful contractions subsided, he still wasn't sure she was fully 
sated.” 

Y ou'll know her climax has concluded when her body relaxes, her 
breathing slows, and the contractions, like an echo, have faded into 
the distance. It will seem as though she's melted blissfully right 
before your eyes. Her genitals, particularly the clitoral head, will be 
so sensitive from the experience that she'll recoil at their slightest 
touch. Stimulate her until she reaches the point where she can no 
longer bear the touch of your tongue. She may signal this moment by 
placing a hand on your head, or gently pushing you away. Take the 
cue, and lift your head. 

It's a job well done. But by no means over. 


Moreplay: She Comes 
Again (and Again) 

“It's pure instinct. The curtain comes down 
when the rhythm seems right — when 
the action calls for a finish.” 

— Harold Pinter 

“Great is the art of the beginning, 
but greater is the art of the ending.” 

— Thomas Fuller 


Y OU'LL LIND THAT one of the great joys of adopting the 
philosophy of She Comes First is not only that she experiences 
orgasm consistently during sexual activity, but also, when you 
postpone your orgasm until after hers, that the door is now open ho 
her to experience many, many more. 

In fact, it's far easier for a woman to experience her second 
orgasm, as her genitals are still engorged with blood and her body is 
still awash with the potent chemicals of sex. As Natalie Angier has 
written of the female orgasm, “It may take many minutes to reach the 
first summit, but once there the lusty mountaineer finds wings 
awaiting her. She does not need to scramble back to the ground 
before scaling the next peak, but can glide like a raptor on currents of 

joy.” 



The authors of Sex: A Man's Guide cite a study conducted at the 
University of Wisconsin in which it was found that women who 
were multi- orgasmic were more likely to have partners who 
delayed their orgasms until after the women had their first ones. 

Easier said than done. As far as the average guy is concerned, if 
stimulating a single female orgasm is already something of a 
mystery, the whole idea of multiple orgasms is like the riddle of the 
Sphinx. More often than not men tend to think that a woman's 
potential to experience multiple orgasms has something to do with a 
“special capacity” or “unique ability” within her, and little or nothing 
to do with him: either she can or she can't. 

Well, the truth is that most women can experience multiple 
orgasms — as a rule not an exception — and it has everything to do 
with you. But rest assured: if you can get her to her first orgasm, you 
should have very little trouble getting her to her second. More 
women don't experience their second or third orgasm with men for 
the same reason that many don't experience their first — they're not 
receiving appropriate clitoral stimulation and male gratification is 
not being postponed. 

But just because she's not having multiple orgasms with you 
doesn't mean she's not having them at all. Most women are able to 
achieve multiple orgasms with ease during masturbation. In fact, 
Masters and Johnson found that some women were able to reach fifty 
consecutive orgasms with a vibrator! It's not that women are doing 
anything “special” in order to achieve multiple orgasms when 
masturbating, they're simply providing themselves with the focused 
clitoral stimulation they require. 

The innate biological capacity to achieve multiple orgasms has 
much to do with how women, subsequent to orgasm, experience the 
resolution period and return to the prearoused state. Men lose their 
erections quickly and go into what's called a refractory period (an 


interval of time that needs to pass before he can get an erection 
again), but a woman's genitals take far longer to return to their 
normal state, at least five to ten minutes. Additionally, the clitoris 
does not contain a venous plexus, the mechanism in the penis for 
retaining blood and sustaining an erection — a critical element in the 
explosive male orgasm and the process of insemination. 

If you want to lead a woman to her second orgasm and beyond, 
first return to the activities of foreplay — kissing, embracing, and soft 
touching. Keep her warm, keep her aroused, but take some time 
before returning to more intense genital stimulation. (Remember, 
unlike other parts of her body, the clitoris — particularly the head — is 
extremely sensitive after orgasm.) Give yourself some time to cool 
down as well and recover from the excitement of what has just 
passed. Once you're both ready for genital stimulation, you can do so 
with your hands, tongue, or even your penis. That's right: there's a 
time and a place for everything, and the time for intercourse is after 
she's experienced her first orgasm — not simply because she's been 
satisfied once, but because in this “warmer” state of arousal, she's 
much more likely to experience a second one. 




Seamless Transitions 


B EFORE TRANSITIONING to genital penetration, use 
cunnilingus as a way of bringing her as near as possible to the 
point of orgasmic inevitability. 

Woman on Top 

Once she's there, try the female superior position, or woman on top. 
This is an ideal position for her to: 

• Position her clitoris against your pubic bone at the base of your 
penis and achieve the ideal amount of pressure 
• Stimulate her clitoral cluster against your penis 
• Control rhythm and pace 
• Modulate the experience of orgasm 


According to Masters and Johnson, “Clitoral response may 
develop more rapidly and with greater intensity in the female- 
superior coition than in any other female coital positions.” 
Additionally, when she's on top, you're doing less thrusting and are, 
therefore, more likely to be able to control the timing of your own 
orgasm. 

The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) 

This is a sexual position designed to greatly improve a woman's 
chance of orgasm through genital penetration and function as an 
enhancement to the standard missionary position, man on top. 
During CAT, the man penetrates from a higher angle than usual, 
placing pressure on the woman's clitoris with the base of his penis 
and pubic bone. When you are performing CAT, the main thing to 
keep in mind is maintaining contact with the clitoris. The overall 
movement is much less a thrusting than a synchronized rocking back 
and forth with the focus on the clitoris and the base of the penis. 



Achieving Simultaneity 


P ERHAPS YOU'VE MADE the decision to pursue a simultaneous 
orgasm. If you need to build up momentum during her “orgasmic 
peak” in order to achieve your own, do so through a “rocking” 
motion that keeps the base of your penis and pubic bone aligned with 
her clitoris. 

Don't feel pressure to be overly inventive. The ability to achieve 
simultaneity often comes from the intuitive sense of knowing and 
understanding that develops in a committed relationship. From this 
perspective, it should come as no surprise that, according to the Sex 
in America survey, three out of four of married women say they 
always or usually reach climax during sex, compared to fewer than 
two out of three of single women. In large part, the success of the 
married vs. the unmarried comes from an understanding of each 
other's body and the knowledge of what works and what doesn't. 


In this sense, in a committed relationship one experiences the joy 
of repetition. You are no longer focused on learning how to satisfy; 
you know how to satisfy. You don't need to think about it. In this 
loss of self-consciousness, you can trust your bodies to find their 
way to mutual pleasure, and, in doing so, release yourselves to a 
purer state of sexual being. 

Kierkegaard wrote, “Hope is a charming maiden that slips 
through the fingers, Recollection is a beautiful old woman but of no 
use at the instant, Repetition is a beloved wife of whom one never 
tires.” 

Whether married or not, great sex often comes from the 
appreciation of repetition and the enjoyment of what you have. 



Don't Forget Your Epilogue 


A LMOST EVERY GREAT WORK of dramatic art follows its 
climax with a return to order, a restoration of balance, and a 
sense of closure. Sometimes it's just a short scene, a single instant, a 
brief ride off into the sunset, but in that flash of a moment we are left 
with a pervasive sense of calm and well-being, a comforting feeling 
that all is right with the world. In this sense, the experience is never 
really over. 

A great session of sex, oral or genital, is no different. After the 
hurly-burly and hullabaloo of the climax — the denouement of our 
respective orgasms — we need to establish a moment of calm, a 
period of rest, a settling of the ground beneath us. To put it bluntly: 
when all is said and done, don't just roll over or get up and head to 
the fridge. Just because you've both experienced your fill of orgasms 
doesn't mean the play process is over. Just as you put fifteen minutes 
or more into foreplay, you need to put some quality time into 
moreplay. Don't get caught in the snuggle gap! Whether you hold 


each other in embrace, kiss and touch, or simply talk, moreplay is 
about staying connected. Moreplay is not rolling over and going to 
sleep, or jumping out of bed to make that “important” phone call. 

To borrow a phrase from the pioneering sexologist Theodore Van 
de Velde, it's in the moments subsequent to orgasm when a man 
proves whether or not he's an “erotically civilized” adult. 

Don't put a damper on an otherwise brilliant performance. An 
extra fifteen minutes spent cuddling, snuggling, and whispering 
sweet nothings is the path to greatness, the road to the sexual “big 
leagues”; whereas coming and then going is a one-way ticket to 
Palookaville. 

Don't take this moment for granted. Stay focused, and stay 
connected. Ride off into the sunset together. And get ready for a 
brave new dawn . . . 



PART 

Putting it All Together 

THREE 


The Substance of Style 


“Full of belief, sustained and elevated by 
the power of purpose, armed with the rules of grammar, 
you are ready for exposure.” 

— Elements of Style 


A S YOU VENTURE FORTH into an amazing session of 
cunnilingus — thoroughly acquainted with her sexual anatomy; 
equipped with an understanding of her process of response; and 
versed in a range of techniques for stimulating her — remember: 

• Make sure she's amply aroused. Spend the time during foreplay 
to establish a strong foundation of sexual tension. 

• Before you apply the first oral kiss, make sure you're both in 
positions that can be sustained comfortably throughout the entire 
process of sexual response. 

• When applying your oral techniques, focus on stimulation rather 
than penetration. Apply gentle, rhythmic tongue strokes. 
Remember: all those sensitive nerve endings that contribute to 
her orgasm are right there at the tip of your tongue. 



• Express the Three Assurances of cunnilingus persistently 
throughout your session: 1) Going down on her turns you on; 
you enjoy it as much as she does. 2) There's no rush; she has all 
the time in the world; you want to savor every moment. 3) Her 
scent is provocative, her taste intoxicating: it all emanates from 
the same beautiful essence. When using your fingers, don't probe 
and prod; focus on fingertip pressure of key areas such the 
clitoral cluster. 

• Remember the virtues of the flat, still tongue. Stillness can be 
more effective than movement. 

• Be confident, not cocky. A simple, modest approach is much 
more effective than a flashy one. 

• Cunnilingus is not something you do to her; it's something you 
do with her. Let her move against you to create the friction she 
needs. 

• As she approaches orgasm, maintain persistent clitoral contact. 
Keep her legs as close together as possible while still permitting 
access to her vulva. 

• Stay calm, measured, and focused. Don't lose the process; don't 
let her orgasm get away from you. 

• As she's coming, embellish and extend the contractions of her 
orgasm with light tongue strokes. 

• Always finish what you started. Cunnilingus is a complete 
process with a beginning, middle, and end. 

• The experience isn't over just because she's had an orgasm. 
Whether you lead her to one orgasm or to many, return together 
to the prearoused state. 

Most important, your style begins and ends with who you are, 

rather than with what you do or how you do it. Just as no two women 

will respond in the same way to the techniques described in this 

book, no two men will apply them in quite the same way. 


Routines: A Cheat Sheet 


H ERE YOU WILL FIND a series of routines (from beginner to 
advanced) that integrate and unify many of the techniques 
described in each phase of coreplay. These routines were not 
designed to be committed to memory, but rather to demonstrate how 
the techniques can be put into action to create a seamless session of 
cunnilingus. In the appendices is a blank template that you can 
Xerox and use to create your own routines. 

When pulling it all together and implementing specific 
techniques, keep in mind the key elements you've learned that will 
guide your overall approach to composition. These elements of 
composition include: 

• The stimulation of ten key hot spots: clitoral head and hood; 
mons pubis; clitoral cluster; front commissure and clitoral shaft; 
frenulum; labia minora; vaginal entrance; the fourchette 
perineum; the anus 



• Over the course of six key stages: the first kiss; establishing 
rhythm; developing tension; escalation; preorgasm; orgasm 

• Using three main “actors”: tongue; fingers; hands 

• And a variety of “supporting actors”: gums; penis (optional); sex 
toys and restraints (also optional; see appendices) 

If you are a newcomer to cunnilingus and in the “beginner” 
phase, see the Q&A section entitled the Virgin Kiss in the Appendix. 
Also, in building your initial routines focus on simple tongue strokes, 
and experiment with using your tongue and fingers in combination. 
Most important, take a pleasure-oriented approach, not an orgasm- 
focused one, and observe what works and what doesn't. 

If you're in the “intermediate” phase, focus on getting your 
tongue and hands working together and stimulating all aspects of the 
clitoral network, including internal areas such as the clitoral cluster. 
Additionally, stay attuned to her process of response and embellish 
her orgasm. Develop the proficiency to lead her consistently to 
orgasm, and make sure it's the result of comprehensive clitoral 
stimulation. 

If you're in the “advanced” phase, experiment with unique new 
approaches that push the envelope in terms of fusing technique and 
intuition. Additionally, lead her down the path of multiple orgasms 
and integrate a simultaneous one into your crescendo. 

When building your routines, let the key elements of composition 
guide your choices — in this way, the techniques you employ are sure 
to add up to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. 


Routines: Beginner to Advanced 


ROUTINE 1 


This is a basic beginner's routine that will familiarize the newcomer 
with fundamental tongue strokes. It will keep finger work to bare 
minimum and encourage the observation of sexual response. 

Level: Beginner A 

► Stage 1: First Kiss 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Long, slow tongue stroke; bottom to top. Be as light and 
gentle as possible. 

HA ND: Both hands under buttocks, legs partially separated. Firm 
grip- 



► Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm 
(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Vertical halfway licks (5), followed by long tongue 
stroke that brushes clitoral head. Focus on labia and frenulum; 
only brush clitoral head on full stroke, not halfway ones. 

FINGERS: Single finger (index) inserted partially into vaginal 
entrance. 

HA ND: Move one hand out from under butt in order to insert finger. 
Use one hand to get a firm grip and straddle both cheeks. 

► Stage 3: Developing Tension 
(five to ten minutes) 

TONGUE: Alternate vertical strokes of the tongue with horizontal 
strokes. On vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of the clitoral 
head without fully hitting it. Focus on brushing the head on 
horizontal strokes. For every five vertical, do one horizontal. 

FINGERS: Maintain single finger in vaginal entrance. Focus on 
feeling pelvic muscles. Fet your other fingers graze vulva and 
perineum. 

HAND: Maintain support. 

► Stage 4: Escalation 
(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Continue vertical and horizontal strokes. Integrate 
tongue press against clitoral head. Hold for five seconds. 

FINGERS: Insert second finger into vaginal entrance. Press fingers 
against vaginal ceiling. Feel for clitoral cluster. 

HAND: As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, try to 
stimulate perineum with your thumb. 


► Stage 5 : Preorgasm 
(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Press tongue into clitoral head. Focus on pressure, slow 
down tongue stroke as you provide resistance. Fet her move 
against your tongue. 

FINGERS: With two fingers inserted (palm up), use your thumb to 
press against frenulum and provide requisite pressure. Keep 
fingers inside, but make sure that thumb against frenulum is your 
priority. 

HAND: Use your hand to support buttocks and maintain clitoral 
contact; keep her in position. Make sure her legs are close 
together. Y ou should feel her inner thighs press against your hand 
that is inserted in vaginal entrance. 

► Stage 6: Orgasm 
(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Feel 
her push against you. Maintain pressure. Observe orgasmic 
contractions and hold in position throughout. After contractions, 
lick clitoral head once lightly. She should recoil to touch. 
FINGERS: Feel pelvic muscles throb against fingers. Focus on 
maintaining pressure with thumb against frenulum. 

HAND: Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of 
spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up 
against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue. 

COMMENTS: Focus on observing the process of sexual response 
and learning how your tongue stimulates reaction. Remember to be 
gentle and slow with your tongue and don't over stimulate the clitoral 
head too early in the process. Toward the end, remember to let her 
establish rhythm and move against you and to focus on keeping her 
in position as you maintain direct clitoral contact through final 
orgasm. If need be, incorporate a vibrator into routine in lieu of 
fingers, and focus on tongue strokes. 



ROUTINE 2 


This routine will largely maintain the tongue strokes of the last 
routine, but also focus on integrating fingers and gums more fully. 

Level: Beginner ◄ 

► Stage 1: First Kiss 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Long, slow tongue stroke; bottom to top. Be as light and 
gentle as possible. 

FINGERS: With the hand you will use for finger work, press down 
on pubic mound and tighten vaginal entrance. 

HAND: Other hand under buttocks; press thumb against perineum. 

► Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Vertical halfway licks (5), followed by long tongue 
stroke that brushes clitoral head. Focus on labia and frenulum; 
only brush clitoral head on full stroke, not halfway ones. 
FINGERS: Maintain pressure on pubic mound, keeping vaginal 
entrance tight and clitoral head more exposed to tongue strokes. 
HA ND: With one hand under buttocks, continue to use your thumb 
to press against perineum. 

► Stage 3: Developing Tension 

(five to ten minutes) 

TONGUE: Alternate vertical strokes with horizontal strokes. On 
vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of clitoral head without 
fully hitting it. Focus on brushing head on horizontal strokes. For 
every five vertical, do one horizontal. 

FINGERS: Single finger (index) inserted partially into vaginal 
entrance; as you apply tongue strokes, focus on moving your 
index finger in come-hither motion against vaginal floor, ceiling, 


and left and right wall. Also focus on clasping clitoral cluster on 
vaginal ceiling for longer intervals as well as perineal tissue at 
vaginal floor. 

HAND: Maintain support and thumb press against perineum. 

► Stage 4: Escalation 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Press gum or upper lip into front commissure. Continue 
vertical and horizontal strokes. 

FINGER: Insert second finger into vaginal entrance, and continue to 
rotate come-hither strokes. Clasp clitoral cluster and maintain 
firm hold. Rotate by clasping perineal tissue. 

HAND: As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, graze anal 
area with thumb. 

► Stage 5: Preorgasm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Deepen gum or lip pressure against front commissure. 
Let her build friction. Focus tongue strokes more heavily on head, 
or maintain strong tongue-tip pressure against head. 

FINGER: Maintain fingertip grasp of clitoral cluster. As you 
maintain contact with clitoral cluster in come-hither clasp, use 
thumb to stimulate frenulum. 

HAND: Continue to provide support and stimulate anal area. 

► Stage 6: Orgasm 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Use 
gums as strong point of resistance to her movements. 

FINGER: As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip 
pressure against clitoral cluster and frenulum. 

HAND: Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of 
spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up 
against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue. 



COMMENTS: In this routine, focus on the pressure you are 
increasing with your gums and fingertips. Focus on understanding 
the balance between pressure and tongue strokes. 


ROUTINE 3 


This routine will introduce more complex tongue strokes as well as 
further integrate the use of fingers. We will also introduce anal 
stimulation. This is a base line routine in that all major areas are now 
being fully stimulated. 

Level: Intermediated 

► Stage 1: First Kiss 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Nibble your way through the first kiss. Spend time 
nibbling inner lips before nibbling clitoral head. 

FINGERS: Clasp perineal tissue throughout first kiss. Index finger 
should be inside, thumb on outside. 

HAND: Support buttocks. Massage with fingertips. 

► Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Alternate vertical, horizontal strokes. Introduce diagonal 
strokes. 

FINGERS: Focus single finger on clitoral cluster. Massage the area 
behind frenulum with index finger as you press it from the 
outside with thumb. 

HAND: Press thumb against perineum. 

► Stage 3: Developing Tension 

(five to ten minutes) 


TONGUE: Gum press. Introduce new tongue stroke: a literary lick, 
or rope-a-dope, in which you alternate flat, still tongue with 
attack of gentle strokes against head. 

FINGERS: Insert second finger into vaginal entrance. Maintain 
fingertip clasp against clitoral cluster, but raise tops of fingers so 
you are pressing into clitoral cluster against vaginal ceiling. 
Continue to stimulate frenulum with thumb. 

HAND: Maintain support and thumb-press against perineum. 

► Stage 4: Escalation 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Continue routine from previous stage, but increase gum 
pressure. Try scraping front commissure and top of head with 
teeth. Press teeth against clitoral area. 

FINGERS: Maintain proper come-hither clasp of three key areas: 
frenulum, clitoral cluster. 

HAND: As you support buttocks with your hand, straddling both 
cheeks, graze anal area with thumb. 

► Stage 5: Preorgasm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Deepen gum pressure. Focus on strokes that are more 
varied and less predictable in rhythm. Introduce an element of 
dissonance into the process. 

FINGERS: As you maintain position, massage clitoral cluster 
without breaking fingertip contact. 

HAND: Insert tip of thumb into anus. 

► Stage 6: Orgasm 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Maintain deep gum pressure. As you feel orgasmic 
contractions, apply light tongue flourishes that “spike” the 
orgasm. 



FINGERS: As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain pressure 
with fingertip against clitoral cluster and thumb tip against 
frenulum. 

HAND: Focus on keeping legs together, supporting clitoral contact, 
and maintaining tip of thumb in anus. Observe contractions of 
sphincter in addition to pelvic floor muscles. 

COMMENTS: In this routine, you are integrating all major 
components. In particular your fingers are stimulating the clitoral 
cluster and the frenulum with one hand, and the anus with the thumb 
of the other. You are also varying your tongue strokes and 
introducing a dash of unpredictability into the rhythm that teases and 
heightens the process. During orgasm, in addition to maintaining 
firm pressure throughout, you are also “spiking” the process with 
light tongue flourishes. 


ROUTINE 4 


This routine continues to build on the baseline techniques described 
in Routine 3. Changes to baseline are in bold text. 

Level: Intermediated 

► Stage 1: First Kiss 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Nibble your way through the first kiss. Spend time 
nibbling inner lips before nibbling clitoral head. Or return to long, 
slow lick. 

FINGERS: Clasp perineal tissue throughout first kiss. Index finger 
should be inside, thumb on outside. 

HAND: Support buttocks. Massage with fingertips. 


► Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Alternate vertical, horizontal strokes. Introduce diagonal 
strokes. 

FINGERS: Use index finger and thumb to clasp perineum: the 
perinea clasp. 

HAND: Turn her over onto her side and spread legs as though she's 
doing a semisplit. 

► Stage 3: Developing Tension 

(five to ten minutes) 

TONGUE: With her on side and legs in semisplit position, focus on 
internal licks. Start inside with tongue against frenulum and work 
your tongue from inside out with strokes that start inside and then 
end on clitoral head. 

FINGERS: Insert second finger and maintain strong perineal clasp. 
HAND: As she maintains semisplit position on side, insert thumb tip 
into anus. 

► Stage 4: Escalation 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Return to standard position and gum-press. Try scraping 
front commissure and top of head with teeth. Press teeth against 
clitoral area. 

FINGERS: Maintain proper come-hither clasp against frenulum and 
clitoral cluster. 

HAND: As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, graze anal 
area with thumb. 

► Stage 5: Preorgasm 

(three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: Deepen gum pressure. Focus on strokes that are more 
varied and less predictable in rhythm. Introduce an element of 
spontaneity into the process. 



FINGERS: Insert third finger, widen vaginal entrance. As you 
maintain position, massage clitoral cluster without breaking 
fingertip contact. Or use “under and up” technique to snake arm 
through leg and insert middle and fourth finger. Let her tap 
frenulum against index finger. 

HA ND: Insert tip of thumb into anus. 

► Stage 6: Orgasm 

(less than one minute) 

TONGUE: Maintain deep gum pressure. As you feel orgasmic 
contractions, apply light tongue flourishes that “spike” the 
orgasm. 

FINGERS: As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip 
pressure against clitoral cluster, as well as thumb-tip pressure 
against frenulum. Or if you are doing “under and up” position, 
increase the pressure of your index finger as you tap against 
frenulum. 

HAND: Focus on keeping legs together, supporting clitoral contact, 
and maintaining tip of thumb in anus. Massage anus as she 
experiences orgasm and slowly remove during contractions. 

COMMENTS: In this routine, we varied her position in the 
“developing tension” phase, which allowed us to lick the area of 
clitoral cluster. We returned to the baseline routine, but we inserted a 
third finger and also proposed an “under and up” alternative to the 
standard come-hither clasp; we also massaged the anal area as she 
experienced orgasm. 


Advanced Routines 

Once you have mastered the baseline routine of the intermediate 
phase, as well as the modifications of Routine 4, it's time to 


improvise, create your own routines, discover new techniques, and 
pursue innovative approaches that require a high degree of 
proficiency and awareness. 

Routine 5: The Tease 

This is an approach that focuses almost exclusively on tongue 
strokes and the stimulation of the visible parts of the clitoral 
network; in short, no finger work. Additionally, the tongue strokes 
employed on the surface of the vulva should be as light and gentle as 
possible. In this manner, you will ever so slowly tease her to orgasm, 
and when it comes, it will be shaip and light, without the fullness 
that results when internal parts of the clitoris are manually stimulated 
as well. 

• During the process, do not insert a single finger inside her, and 
use your hands to vary her position and the angle of her vulva to 
your tongue. 

• Push up her legs with both of your hands and prop her up on her 
butt, or raise a single leg; position her on her side in a semisplit 
position and use your tongue to graze the inside of her vaginal 
ceiling and clitoral cluster. 

• But, in general, stick to the surface. Get as close to licking her as 
possible without actually licking her, and then graze the clitoral 
head. 

• Use your thumbs to part her outer lips and fully reveal the 
clitoral head and hood, and then skim the area with your tongue. 

• This approach will prove excruciatingly tantalizing. Intersperse 
your light tongue strokes with a still, flat tongue that she can 
move against, but don't provide her with the friction or resistance 
that would generally come as a result of applying your fingers 
and gum. 



• Once she enters the preorgasm phase (and it may take a while), 
bring her legs together as close as possible, while still having 
access to her vulva, and place your hand under her butt. 

• With your free hand, press up on her pubic mound and tighten 
her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply light strokes against the 
head until she comes. 


Routine 6: The Tao of Cunnilingus 

In general, Taoist sex practices are designed for genital intercourse 
and emphasize a few key principles: postponement of male 
gratification and the importance of female satisfaction; regulation 
and conservation of male ejaculation (you don't orgasm every time 
you have sex); and the understanding that an orgasm is not the same 
as ejaculation. This last point is more relevant to men in that it 
encourages recognizing when you're on the verge of orgasm and then 
pulling back. (When you hear someone talk about male “multiple 
orgasm” and “going all night” without cessation, this is generally 
what's meant — going to the verge repeatedly and pulling back as 
opposed to ejaculating repeatedly.) 

Because women have a true capacity for multiple orgasms, the 
distinction between the preorgasm and orgasm phase as well as the 
emphasis on pulling back from the verge, is less important. However, 
you can heighten the experience of her orgasm by prolonging the 
period spent in the preorgasm phase (but make sure you are 
confident in your ability to bring her to orgasm in the first place 
before you focus on delaying the process). In the Tao of Cunnilingus, 
the man focuses on keeping the woman in the preorgasm phase as 
long as possible, getting her close to orgasmic contractions without 
triggering them. 



Prior to her entering the preorgasm phase, consider playing with 
some light restraint. Although it's by no means required, this 
element will definitely add some fun and excitement to the 
proceedings and is very much in keeping with the spirit of this 
routine. 

Once you recognize that she’s entered the preorgasm phase and 
is on the verge of orgasmic contractions, reduce the pressure on 
her clitoris and slow down; cease your tongue strokes altogether. 
Remove your mouth completely from her vulva for three to five 
seconds and then return to applying firm pressure. 

You can maintain your come-hither clasp against her clitoral 
clusters, but reduce the pressure. 



After the pause of tongue strokes, bring her back to the verge of 
orgasm, and then once again reduce the pressure. Get her as 
close to orgasmic contractions as you can before pulling back. 

(In face, you can even bring her to her first contraction and then 

pull back. She won’t lose the orgasm, but it may erupt from her Conclusion 

when you return a few seconds later with your tongue strokes.) 

When you're ready to let her come, apply a deep firm gum-press 
and hard tongue strokes in combination with your come-hither 
clasp. 

Additionally, you can get in on the fun by bringing yourself 
close to orgasm by rubbing against her leg and then pulling back 
at the same time. (Note: This is also a great way of developing 
stamina and discipline if you suffer from premature ejaculation. 

By rubbing against her leg, you have more control of the process 
and can take yourself close to orgasm without actually 
ejaculating.) 


T HERE'S A POIGNANT SCENE in the film version of Milan 
Kundera's book The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Tomas and 
Tereza, a young married couple, are living in Prague at the start of 
the oppressive Soviet occupation of the 1960s. Tomas has always 
been an avid womanizer and, even in marriage, is unable to 
relinquish his erotic adventures with other women. He lives lightly 
and freely, but his marriage is shallow and empty. Tereza is 
imprisoned by the heaviness of her love for Tomas, tortured by his 
“lightness.” 

The couple takes advantage of an opportunity to emigrate to 
Geneva, thinking it might provide them with a fresh start, but Tomas, 
much to Tereza's disappointment, continues his life of ardent 
philandering. One day, unable to bear it any longer, Tereza 
impulsively leaves him and returns alone to doomed Prague. 

Only after she's left does Tomas finally realize that his life is 
empty without Tereza; so he makes a difficult decision — to return to 



Prague, where he'll live in perpetual poverty, never again to work 
as a surgeon, never again to know freedom of speech or liberty of 
choice. In short, he accepts the inherent heaviness of life. 

We follow Tomas as he crosses the border into Czechoslovakia. 
We watch as he hands over his passport, permanently, to the border 
guard. 

Back in Prague, Tomas returns to his old, dark, shabby apartment, 
where Tereza lies sleeping. She wakes up and can't believe her eyes. 
They embrace with tears in their eyes and that night they make love 
for the first time. Of course they've had sex countless times; but this 
is the first time they are truly making love; their bond to each other 
finally has a sacramental element, bom of Tomas's sacrifice to be 
with her, consummated in the heaviness of their true love for each 
other. 

As Kundera explains, the title, The Unbearable Lightness of 
Being, comes from a meditation on the philosophy of Nietzsche, who 
said that we should live every moment of our lives as though we 
were sentenced to repeat it over and over, forever and ever, for all 
eternity. We should live each moment as though we were creating an 
eternal, unchangeable work of art. 

Easier said than done. We can't live every moment as though it 
were eternally indelible; it's simply too hard and would make life 
much too heavy. So instead we attempt to escape and live with a 
sense of lightness. We postpone our goals, we get into ruts, we 
distract ourselves with trivialities, but deep down we know that we 
could be living life more fully according to our potential; lightness is 
undermined by a sense of heaviness; hence, the unbearable lightness 
of being. 

For all of his sexual adventures and numerous lovers, it takes 
Tomas years before he is finally able to make love. He is only able to 
do so by turning his back on the lightness of meaningless affairs and 
embracing the heaviness of a committed relationship. 

We may not be able to live each moment as though we were 
going to repeat it over and over for all eternity, but we can make love 


that way; we can kiss our beloved knowing that we want that kiss, 
like a pebble cast into a still lake, to ripple and undulate for all 
eternity. Like Tomas returning to Tereza's embrace, we can make 
love totally and indelibly, with all the heaviness and substance of our 
being. As George Bernard Shaw wrote, “When you loved me I gave 
you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in a 
single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your arms, 
and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your soul.” 

When she comes first, she comes forever. 



Appendices 


I. Manual Stimulation During Foreplay 

A suggested routine: 

Position yourselves side by side, flat on your backs; drape your 
arm across her abdomen. This puts you in an ideal position to 
stimulate her dexterously with your fingers for prolonged periods of 
time, without tiring, as your arm is at rest and your wrist is supported 
by her pubic bone. This position also encourages you to focus on the 
right types of manual stimulation: gentle, rhythmic, external, as 
opposed to the wrong type — forceful, blunt, internal (in short, 
“finger fucking”). 

There arc three basic steps to manual stimulation: 

First, lying side by side — the base of your palm on her pubic 
mound, your fingers loosely draping her vulva — use a single finger 
(index or middle) to gently begin your exploration: trace the 
perimeters of her labia, both inner and outer; caress her inner thighs 
with your fingertips; stroke her vaginal entrance in a gentle come 
hither motion (actually the mirror image of this motion since your 


palm is facing downward), as though skimming the surface of a pond 
or softly petting a cat in the area right above its nose, between the 
eyes. 

Then gently stimulate the peak of her clitoral head with a single 
soft fingertip in rhythmic circles. 

Next, like you're petting the cat again, use short come-hither 
motions to approach the clitoral head from its underbelly (the area 
known as the frenulum), barely grazing her vaginal entrance. 

Then, stimulating from the area just above the head where the 
outer labia meet — the front commissure — brush against the head in a 
downward motion with the soft surface of your fingernail and 
fingertip. 



Manual Stimulation #1 



Manual Stimulation #2 


Now use two fingers to squeeze the head on either side. 

Next, take those same two fingers, reach inside her vaginal 
entrance, press your fingertips against her vaginal ceiling, and grab 
hold of her pubic bone. In this position, your fingers are wrapped 
against the clitoral head. Massage the area just behind the head, 
where a cluster of sensitive nerve fibers intersect. As opposed to the 
light manual stimulation of the previous gestures, this position 
provides a more firm, still pressure. Depending on her level of 
arousal, you may well feel the clitoral cuff swell around the vaginal 
entrance and lightly clamp your fingers. 

Consider inserting a third finger, as long as you work up to it. 



Now, still in this position — whether with two or three fingers — 
make small, rapid movements from left to right, massaging both her 
clitoral cluster and head. 

Now, remove your fingers and press the flat palm of your hand 
against her vulva, fully straddling its boundaries. Make your palm 
like a wall, and let her press into it — this stimulates the majority of 
nerve endings in the area of the vulva, especially those in the labia 
that often get neglected. Let her do the pressing. Often, in both 
manual and oral stimulation, men make the mistake of assuming that 
they need to take the lead and provide the majority of the 
stimulation — hence, all the fuss about tired tongues or worn-out 
wrists. If you ever feel this sort of fatigue, you're probably working 
hard but not necessarily well. More often than not, all you need to do 
is provide a consistent point of resistance and pressure, whether it's 
the tip of your tongue or the flat palm of your hand. 

Lying next to her, alternate regularly between these three types of 
stimulation, and trust your instincts as to when to change position. 

Or you might want to vary your approach and have her turn over 
on her stomach. Approach her from above, insert your thumb into 
her vaginal entrance, and use it to massage her clitoral cluster 
rhythmically while your index and middle fingers stimulate the head. 

No matter what your approach, take your time and allow her 
gradually to build up the sexual tension that will ultimately be 
released through orgasm — perhaps sooner than later. When it comes 
to manual stimulation, it doesn't matter if you're a lumberjack or 
businessman no matter what your trade, we all need strong 
“working hands.” 

2. Some Pointers on the Use of Restraint 

Restraint, as proposed in this book, does not involve any pain or 
danger, but rather promotes trust and titillation. 


Use soft restraints: neckties, scarves, or ribbons, or go out and 
purchase Velcro wrist and ankle bands that are created specifically 
for sex play. 

Try restraining her hands separately (perhaps to bedposts, if you 
have them) or else together. If you're tying them together, do so 
above her head rather than behind her hack (you don't want to cause 
discomfort or cut off her circulation). 

In restraining her legs, don't make the mistake of separating them 
widely and tying them individually (the classic image being that of a 
woman's arms and legs stretched taut and tied spread-eagle to the 
four corners of the bed). Instead, tie her legs together at the a nk les so 
that she can assume a number of body positions. 

A Word of Caution 

• In restraining anyone — be it man or woman — never tie any part 
of the person's neck. 

• Do not cover her face, or do anything that might prevent her 
from breathing properly. Some people enjoy the experience of 
being tied and gagged, but the latter can easily be achieved in a 
way that does not prevent her from breathing (for example, tying 
a thin strip of cloth around her head and mouth rather than 
stuffing anything in her mouth). 

• If she's truly helpless and cannot liberate herself on her own, 
never leave her alone, not even for a few moments. 

• Do not restrain her for prolonged periods of time. 

• Always respond to any aspect of the experience that makes her 
uncomfortable and adjust your behavior accordingly. Sometimes 
her protests can be part of the fantasy, so decide on a clear 
signal, like a word or sentence, for clearly interrupting the 
experience and bringing it to a halt. 



3. Modifications of the Standard Position 


4. The Protected Kiss, Part 


If you grapple with sexual dysfunction: 

There are two variations on the standard position that are 
enjoyable in their own right, but also serve as an aid to those men 
who suffer from sexual dysfunction, specifically premature 
ejaculation or erectile dysfunction (also known as impotence). 

In the case of the former, it should be noted that cunnilingus is an 
intensely erotic activity, and while it does not necessarily compel the 
“firing” of a hair trigger as intensely as genital penetration, it can 
certainly lead to premature ejaculation (PE), particularly as she 
approaches climax. 

If you grapple with PE, have her lie toward the foot of the bed, 
legs dangling off and vulva aligned with the edge of the bed. Place a 
pillow on the floor and kneel down in front of her (she can also hang 
her legs over your shoulders). In this position, you are able to 
effectively provide a full range of oral techniques while 
simultaneously avoiding the type of physical contact and friction 
against your own body that might lead you to ejaculate. 

As for erectile dysfunction, some men complain of not being able 
to stay aroused or of losing their erection during cunnilingus. If this 
is a problem, adopt the main position described at the start of this 
chapter, with a slight variation: instead of positioning yourself 
between her legs, try straddling one of her legs with your own and 
resting your penis against her leg. 

You can even apply some massage oil and rub gently against her 
leg throughout your session. In this way, you remain connected to 
her body and should find yourself amply aroused. Additionally, see 
penetration in Chapter Twenty-two for a technique that intersperses 
genital thrusting with cunnilingus and may help you to maintain an 
erection. 


In Chapter Nineteen, we talked about the importance of safe sex 
and latex. Now it's time to actually get out your gear and put it to 
good use. If you've already stimulated her manually during foreplay 
and are taking appropriate precautions, you know that you should be 
wearing latex gloves, perhaps ones that were bought specifically for 
the occasion from a sex-gear catalog such as blowfish.com. They can 
be purchased in various colors and textures — some are lightly 
powdered or lubricated — and feel less “medical” than the standard 
issue. 

• Now it's time for the dental dam. First off, make sure you've got 
an unused, clean one. (They're disposable and come by the dozen 
so this shouldn't be an issue.) Dams are also designed for anal 
play, so make sure that the one you're using for her vulva does 
not come into contact with her anal area, as the latter may 
contain bacteria that you don't want mingling with the former. 

Tongue Tip: When selecting a dental dam for cunnilingus, 
try the Clyde “LOLLYES” brand. It was designed specifically 
for oral sex and is the only barrier of this type to have been 
given FDA approval. According to the makers, LOLLYES 
stands for “Lips on Lickable Latex — YES!” Unlike traditional 
dental dams, Clyde barriers are ultra-thin, long, and transmit 
sensation extremely well. They come in various colors, and 
some are even scented. They can be ordered directly from 
sheerglydedams.com, or else from sex-gear catalogs such as 
blowfish.com. These ultrathin barriers are definitely worth 
the investment. 

• Apply a few drops of water-based lubricant to her vulva (oil and 
latex don't mix well) and place the barrier against the entire area, 



covering the vaginal entrance. In using a dental dam, know that 
she will not be able to respond to the direct moistness of your 
tongue. Instead, she will respond to the transmission of vibration 
and sensation through the latex. Almost all of the tongue 
techniques in this book can be implemented through a latex 
barrier, but it may be necessary to adjust them slightly and focus 
on deeper, more intense versions, since very light actions may 
not transmit well. 

• When using a dental dam, think of your tongue as an active force 
for applying pressure, and also integrate your gums and teeth 
into the action. In terms of the first kiss, you'll want to use the 
ice-cream lick described earlier, but when you reach her clitoral 
head, instead of brushing over it lightly with your tongue, softly 
press the flat surface of your front teeth against it. 

When you are using a dental dam, it would be a bald-faced lie to 
say that your abilities as a cunnilinguist are not somewhat 
handicapped; they most certainly are, roughly by a factor of about 30 
to 40 percent. It's hard to make up for the loss of a wet, unfettered 
tongue and the electrifying sensations that it can deliver with the 
gentlest of touch. But it's by no means impossible. You have to work 
within new limitations and compensate with creativity and 
perseverance. Know and accept your limitations at the outset, and 
you'll be able to make up for them in other gratifying ways. 

Instead of thinking of the dental dam as a barrier to sensation, 
employ it as a new tool to enable pleasure: 

• Brush her clitoral head with the edge of the dam. 

• Or insert one end of the dam inside her vagina and press up 
against her clitoral cluster as you wrap the remaining piece up 
around the clitoral area. Use both hands to “polish” the clitoris 
like an exquisite pearl. 


Question: When it comes to oral sex and dental dams, why even 
bother? Why not just stimulate her manually and go straight to 
genital penetration? 

Answer: Because even with a dental dam, she can experience 
quite a bit of pleasure from oral sex, and there are things you can 
accomplish through the combination of your tongue, teeth, gums, 
and lips that you cannot achieve simply with your hands or penis. 
The main barrier to pleasure when using a dental dam is not 
physical, it's mental. 

There's so much more to cunnilingus than simply the tongue: 
there's the rhythmic pressure that you can apply with your teeth, 
gums, and lips; there's the combination of oral and manual 
stimulation that you're in a position to lavish upon her in abundant 
supply; there's the focus and attention that you can pay to her process 
of sexual response; and finally there's the complete experience of the 
act — the physical, mental, and emotional sum total, which is so much 
greater than any of its individual parts. Just because one of your 
actors may be partially restrained doesn't mean you can't still put on 
one hell of a show. 


5. The Protected Kiss, Part 2 

Question: “I'm currently dating a few different women, so I guess 
you could say I'm not monogamous, at least not now. I'm at a point 
in my life where I just want to have fun, but that doesn't mean I don't 
want the fun to be safe, so I use a latex barrier when going down on a 
girl. The tricky part is keeping the harrier in place while trying to use 
my fingers inside her vagina. I wish I had four hands — two to keep 




the latex in place, and another two to finger her with. Any 
suggestions?” (Chad, 34) 

Answer: The issue you raise regarding latex barriers, namely keeping 
them in place and not being able to use your fingers for manual 
stimulation, is probably the single greatest complaint that's leveled 
against them — that, and the reduced sensation that often 
accompanies their use. 

Some folks have tried to devise fairly original ways for keeping 
the barrier in place. Such innovations include: using dental dams in 
combination with tight-fitting “crotchless” panties; wrapping small 
elastic garter straps around each thigh and then attaching them to the 
respective comers of the dental dam. I've even heard of people 
making panties out of Saran Wrap. I'm not going to go to the effort 
of describing these various “jerryrigs” (use your imagination) 
because frankly I haven't heard any raves on their behalf and they 
just seem downright silly. 

Sometimes it helps if she holds the dam in place while you apply 
tongue strokes, but probably the best solution is simply to get 
comfortable holding the barrier in place with one hand while using 
your free hand to manually stimulate her. I know that doesn't solve 
your problem, so I'm going to suggest that you approach the 
challenge in a new way: rather than focus on how to “free up” your 
hands, focus on how best to stimulate her clitoral cluster while using 
your hands to keep the barrier in place. 

• Start with a dildo (a soft, plastic replica of the male penis that 
comes in various sizes and textures); buy one with a thick 
tapered head (at least a couple of inches in diameter) that will fit 
snugly inside her vaginal entrance. 

• Insert the head of the dildo (the first couple of inches) into her 
vaginal entrance. It should fill her without being uncomfortable, 
and expand the area of her frenulum, as would happen during 
intercourse. Most important, the dildo should remain secure 
inside her without requiring the assistance of your hands. 


• Hold the dental dam in place and use your thumbs to massage 
her frenulum while you apply tongue strokes to the clitoral head. 
Apply delicate tongue strokes to the clitoral head; her clitoral 
cuff should tighten around the dildo, particularly if you've 
introduced it after building up substantial sexual tension. 

• Or, using a standard-size vibrator, slowly insert it most of the 
way into her vaginal entrance. Only the base of the vibrator, and 
an inch or two of the shaft, should protrude. Set it to a low 
vibration. You'll find that as you hold the dental dam in place, 
you should be able to push down on the base of the vibrator with 
your chin, or one of your wrists, and gently massage her. 

Finally, if you and your partner(s) are serious about your 
cunnilingus (and also have a sense of humor), think about purchasing 
a device called “The Accommodator,” otherwise known as a “chin- 
dong.” The Accommodator is a strap-on dildo that fits onto the end 
of your chin and is secured with elastic headbands (like a catcher's 
mask). When wearing a chin-dong, you literally look as though you 
have a penis growing out of your face, so get ready for some laughs. 
But a chin-dong does the trick in that you can easily manipulate it 
and apply tongue strokes at the same time. The Accommodator can 
be purchased at sextoys.com. 

6. The Scarlet Kiss 

The truth is that you don't have to avoid oral sex just because she's 
menstruating, but you may be inclined to. In general, both men and 
women are sensitive to issues of taste, odor, and hygiene when it 
comes to cunnilingus, and these sensitivities are amplified when 
she's experiencing her period. But thanks to the invention of the 
simple tampon, you can give her flow-free, spine-tingling head 365 
days a year (assuming she's game, of course; some women 



experience a marked decrease in sexual desire when they're 
menstruating, while others feel a substantial increase. It all depends 
upon her unique chemistry). 

• Prior to foreplay, let her insert a fresh tampon and clean off the 
area of her vulva with a washcloth. 

Now you're ready to go, and can implement most of the tongue 
techniques discussed in this book. 

• As always, focus on gentle, light movements and the application 
of rhythmic, persistent pressure. 

• It makes sense for the applicator string to be pulled down and 
generally out of the way, although sometimes the string can be 
used to great effect to caress and swipe the clitoral head in 
combination with your tongue. 

• You'll want to hold off on the full use of your fingers, but that's 
okay since the tampon is actually their proxy. As you lead her 
through the process of arousal, her pelvic muscles and clitoral 
cuff will tighten around the tampon and help to stimulate the 
orgasm. The tampon will also apply pressure against her clitoral 
cluster. 

• Just because you're not inserting your fingers doesn't mean you 
can't use them around her vaginal entrance, labia, perineum, and 
anal area. And if you want, you can tuck a finger in under the 
tampon, and help to press it against her clitoral cluster and 
clitoral cluster. Even with a single finger inside her, the 
experience will remain flow-free. 

There's no reason why she shouldn't be able to experience an 
orgasm in this manner. In fact, the efficacy of this technique just 
goes to show that the female orgasm is largely produced through 


stimulation of the dense clitoral nerve endings that populate the 
surface of the vulva and are unobstructed by the tampon. 

In terms of the Scarlet Kiss and your safe-sex routine, even if 
you're using latex, know that the likelihood of both transmitting and 
receiving an STD rises when she's menstruating, as viral bacteria, 
such as HIV, are more prevalent in her blood. So, even if you're 
using the tampon method in combination with a dental dam, you may 
want to consider avoiding cunnilingus altogether during her period if 
you are also engaging in the Protected Kiss. 

7. The Virgin Kiss, His First Time 

Question: “I really want to go down on my girlfriend, but I've never 
done it before and I'm a little nervous — not about smell or anything 
like that, but about doing it right and pleasing her. Any advice for a 
first-timer?” (Eric, 21) 

Answer: Take note: 

1 . Make sure she's been amply aroused during foreplay. 

2. Take your time. 

3. Be as gentle and rhythmic as possible. Forget everything you've 
seen in pom films, but be confident. Don't confuse being gentle 
with being listless. Be strong of mind and tongue. 

4. Focus on what you can see: her labia (inner and outer), the 
commissure and frenulum, her vaginal entrance, her perineum, 
and clitoral head; enjoy her entire vulva. 

5. Don't make a rush for her glans (the clitoral head); it's extremely 
sensitive, so focus instead on other parts of the vulva at the 
outset. 

6. Start with slow, broad strokes: up, down, left, right. Observe 
what works and what does not. Don't be afraid to ask her if 



something feels good, but don't hit on with a barrage of questions 
either. 

7. Let her know how much you're enjoying it; tell her how good she 
tastes. 

8. Keep it simple and rhythmic. Focus on the basic routines 
outlined in this book. Avoid the fancy stuff; don't worry about 
stimulating the clitoral cluster — for now. 

9. Trust your instincts; relax into a meditative zone where you're 
not thinking so much as doing. 

10. Take a pleasure-focused approach, not an orgasm- focused one. 
She may or may not come your first time out. But that doesn't 
mean she won't enjoy herself thoroughly. 

8. The Virgin Kiss, Her First Time 

Question: “My boyfriend wants to have oral sex with me, and I'm 
both excited and nervous: excited because it's my first time receiving 
it and 1 don't know what to expect, but also because I've never had an 
orgasm during intercourse. I'm able to orgasm when I masturbate, 
just not when I'm with a guy. I've faked it in the past, but I really like 
my current boyfriend, and we're talking about getting married, so I 
wanted to be up front and honest. He's very enthusiastic about oral 
sex and really believes that I'll be able to have an orgasm that way, 
but I just don't know The truth is that I've never let a guy do that to 
me, go down, because I'm not completely comfortable with a guy 
seeing, tasting and smelling me. Any thoughts?” (Lynn, 23) 

Answer: Y our boyfriend is right. Y ou do have a much better chance 
of experiencing an orgasm through cunnilingus than through genital 
intercourse. That's because the clitoris is the powerhouse of the 
orgasm, and is best stimulated through persistent, rhythmic pressure. 


Genital intercourse generally doesn't provide the clitoris with the 
stimulation necessary to take you through the process of sexual 
response, which is why you're able to orgasm when you masturbate. 

The fact that you are able to experience an orgasm via 
masturbation is an extremely positive sign — if you couldn't, you 
might very well not be able to come via cunnilingus either. 
Masturbation is the first step toward training your body and mind to 
work together in the production of pleasure. 

So you're definitely on the right track. Y ou're “wired” to orgasm. 

• The main thing is to relax and take a pleasure-oriented approach. 
Don't focus on your orgasm; focus on enjoying the experience. 
It's great that your boyfriend is enthusiastic about cunnilingus; 
just make sure that he takes a pleasure-oriented approach as well, 
and doesn't become fixated on your orgasm. 

• Make sure you've engaged in ample foreplay and that you're 
stimulated and ready to go. Think about the types of manual 
stimulation that enable you to come via masturbation. 

• If a vibrator or dildo is part of your routine, you might encourage 
your boyfriend to incoiporate it into the act. You might even 
want to let him watch you masturbate, or better yet, try 
masturbating yourself with his hand. 

• Don't be shy about letting him know what feels good and what 
doesn't — be sure to praise him when it feels good, and be 
constructive when it doesn't — when it comes to feedback in the 
area of sexual performance, the male ego bruises easily. 

Since you've never had a guy perform oral sex on you, prepare 
yourself for a roller coaster of physical sensations: some will feel 
terrific; others might feel new and strange, overwhelming, or even 
uncomfortable. Let him know if you want him to change what he's 
doing. As sex columnist and author Anka Radakovich writes of her 
first time receiving cunnilingus, “I was breaking in the front seat of 



my new car and got so excited by the tingling sensation that I 
accidentally hit the gearshift and plowed right into the garage door, 
smashing the front end. Imagine explaining this one to the insurance 
adjuster.” 

As for your shyness about allowing him to see, smell, and taste 
you, you're not alone, and there are some easy steps you can take to 
help relax you: 

• Incorporate a bath or shower into foreplay; light candles; let him 
massage you with scented oil. But also appreciate your 
boyfriend's eagerness and know that most men love the sight, 
taste, and smell of the vulva and get incredibly turned on when 
giving cunnilingus. Hopefully, your boyfriend's enthusiasm will 
prove contagious and you'll be able to ease into the experience. 

• Relax, let go, and focus on your process of sexual response. Try 
to get into the same frame of mind as when you masturbate. Stay 
in touch with your body, focus on receiving pleasure, and feel 
your way through the process. Most women tend to fantasize 
much more during oral sex than they do during intercourse, so 
don't be afraid to let go and allow your imagination wander. 

• Also know that it may take a few attempts before you're able to 
climax, so don't get frustrated. You may get very close, but still 
not come. 

• Finally, if you feel that you are close to coming, but are unable 
to get yourself over the edge, consider masturbating yourself the 
final “few yards,” especially since you know that you are able to 
come this way. We tend to think of masturbation as a private, 
sometimes even shameful, act, but the fact is that both men and 
women fantasize about watching their partners masturbate. Since 
you've already been open and honest enough with each other to 
talk freely about your inability to experience an orgasm during 
intercourse, you should be candid and comfortable enough in 
your relationship to understand the importance of masturbation. 


He'll most likely enjoy watching you stimulate yourself past the 
point of no return, especially since he helped get you 90 percent 
of the way there. 

• If you're not open to masturbation, let him use his tongue to take 
you as far as you can get down the road of arousal, and try 
genital penetration in the female superior position — where you 
get on top and have a higher degree of control over the position 
of his penis, as well as the rhythm and pressure that's applied 
against your clitoris. A lot of women also feel more comfortable 
touching themselves during intercourse, so you can combine 
masturbation and penetration. 

Above all, just try to enjoy the pleasure of cunnilingus. Even if 
you are unable to reach orgasm the first time around, rest assured 
you're on the path toward experiencing one. 

9. The Pregnant Kiss 

There's absolutely no reason not to enjoy cunnilingus during 
pregnancy, unless her doctor has specifically prohibited her from 
engaging in sexual activity, say in the case of a history of 
miscarriage, where uterine contractions can stimulate premature 
labor. Oxytocin — the chemical released during sexual activity — is 
also released during the uterine contractions of labor. In fact, 
synthetic oxytocin is sometimes used to induce labor, and a doctor 
may even recommend sex and orgasm as way of stimulating it. 

In most cases, however, cunnilingus is an important way of 
maintaining a healthy sex life throughout all stages of pregnancy. In 
fact, she'll probably appreciate the attentions of your tongue all the 
more. According to The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki 
Iodine, 



“The best news about the changes 'down below' is that many 
Girlfriends feel like they live in a state of constant sexual arousal 
because their organs are engorged with blood. My Girlfriend Tracy 
says that she became nearly orgasmic if she walked very far because 
the action of her legs rubbing together was like never-ending 
foreplay.” 

CAUTION: When pregnant women enter their second 
trimester, they are advised not to lie flat on their backs for 
prolonged periods of time, as this flat position could cut off 
the circulation of blood from the vena cava and affect the 
process of oxygenation within her body. Remedy this issue 
by placing a pillow underneath her hip and lower back (either 
side will do) and then tilting her slightly. 

Another benefit of pregnancy is that she may be able to have 
orgasms much more easily, and they may be more intense and longer 
lasting. This is because her uterine contractions are stronger and 
more sensitive to the release of oxytocin during sex. 

The flip side of all this arousal is that she may feel like she's in a 
constant state of sexual tension as her genitals are persistently 
engorged with blood. It's often during pregnancy that women first 
discover their potential for multiple orgasms by dint of sheer 
necessity. 

Since cunnilingus is more up close and personal than any other 
sexual act, you might notice some changes during pregnancy: she 
might experience some spot-bleeding around the time she would 
normally menstruate. This light bleeding is nothing to worry about 
and should not be confused with the heavy bleeding that is usually 
symptomatic of an en-topic pregnancy or impending miscarriage. 
Also, you might notice that her clitoris is engorged with blood, 
causing her labia to enlarge and change color — usually they become 
darker. Her natural lubrication could take on a thicker texture and 
more distinct odor. Be sensitive to these changes, know that she's 


probably sensitive to them as well, and find your comfort zone as a 
couple. 

During pregnancy, the Three Assurances are more important than 
ever. Be sure to let her know that she smells great, tastes great, you 
find her beautiful in every aspect, and you genuinely enjoy going 
down on her. 


1 0. Useful Toys 

Question: “I'm fairly inexperienced in the art of cunnilingus, and I 
can't get my hands and tongue to work together — it's just too hard to 
concentrate on both at the same time. What can I do?” (Geoff, 32) 

Answer: Try introducing a vibrator into your action. No matter what 
your skill level, a vibrator can prove to be a valuable addition to a 
cunnilingus session. 

If your girlfriend doesn't already own a vibrator for masturbation, 
then buying one together can be fun and, perhaps, daunting: there's 
no shortage of sizes, shapes, textures, styles, and add-ons to choose 
from. 

But as far as specifically choosing a vibrator that will augment 
your cunnilingus session, once again form should follow function. 
Many men make the mistake of thinking that the way to employ a 
vibrator is to thrust, jab, and penetrate, in cheap imitation of the 
penis during intercourse. This being the case, many vibrators are 
designed to resemble the male form. 

Just as you focused your tongue and fingers on the application of 
gentle rhythmic motions that engage the visible aspects of the vulva, 
as well as the first couple of inches inside the vagina, use the vibrator 
in a similar fashion. 

Think of the vibrator as a proxy for your tongue and fingers, not 
as the introduction of a plastic penis. Just because it resembles a 



penis doesn't mean that it should be used as one. To that end, a 
standard “wand-shaped” vibrator, four to six inches long, with the 
diameter of a quarter, will do just fine. You're mainly going to 
engage only the first couple of inches, so really length is immaterial. 

Most vibrators are encased in a hard plastic shell, or else softened 
by a jellylike silicone sheath. Either type will do, but select a vibrator 
that is firm and solid, with just a bit of soft bend to it. In short, pick a 
no-frills toy that is reliable, unthreatening, comfortable, and easy to 
handle. 

As with any tool, what matters most is how you use it. During a 
cunnilingus session, feel free to introduce the vibrator anytime after 
the first kiss, but know that it's best applied once you are well into 
your session and approaching the preorgasm phase. 

While you can warm up and ease in by using the vibrator to 
gently stimulate all of the visible aspects of the vulva — labia, 
perineum, on and around the clitoral head — use it as a substitute for 
your fingers. Keep it set to a low speed — a diffused, persistent hum 
that gradually builds in resonance within her. 

• Insert the vibrator into her vaginal entrance (use lubricant if 
necessary). Stay close to the entrance, and focus on her clitoral 
cluster. Gently thrust the vibrator in and out. Remember, since 
you're focusing on her vaginal entrance, the range of the motion 
should not exceed the first inch or two of her vaginal canal. 

• Work primarily with the tip of the vibrator. Take your time; let 
the vibrator rest against her vaginal entrance; this slow, small 
movement should cause her clitoral cuff to tighten around the 
vibrator. 

Tongue Tip: Once you've been stimulating her for a while, 
insert a finger or two underneath the vibrator and push up on 
it. This will enable the vibrator to really massage her clitoral 
cluster. 


ROUTINE TEMPLATE 


Xerox this blank template and use it to create your own routines 

► Stage 1: First Kiss (less then one minute) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 

► Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm (three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 

► Stage 3: Developing Tension (three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 

► Stage 4: Escalation (three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 

► Stage 5: Pre-Orgasm (three to five minutes) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 

► Stage 6: Orgasm (less then one minute) 

TONGUE: 

FINGERS: 

HAND: 



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Acknowledgments 


To Adam Engel for his keen editorial insight. 

To Naomi Pitcairn for her remarkable illustrations. 

To David Grae for his spirited conversation. 

To Richard Abate for putting the ball in play and keeping it 
there. 

To Scott Rosenberg for his artist's eye and strategic acumen. 

To all those on the Regan team who kept things moving along; 
and to Alissa LeViness and Jessica Colter for jumping in for the 
final sprint across the finish line. 

To Dr. William Granzig for generously sharing his knowledge 
and experience. 

To Caitlin Felton and Karen Hill for their way of seeing.